Teej-II

Two days left for Teej to come. Tomorrow is “Dar Khane Din” meaning Dar eating day. But today I went for a long drive to my Dad’s Sisters House to give them Dar. My mom had been planning this since long and to send them Dar.  They will be obiviously happy because it is their brother n their parental home they miss a lot in Teej festival. So just not letting them to miss I had to go there and fulfill my paents void space.  I am feeling good to see those smiles at my Fupu’s ( I have two ). Their smile made my such a long drive worthful.

I hate to drive such a long road. They are quite far away from us.  But I loved to continue my culture and watch them smiling and their heart happy. So I am little bit exhausted from the long drive and came back to office and since here is no work to do for me I am busy typing these word. I had shouted at mom so much today but see I am feeling sorry for her. I didn’t want her to be tired so I went there. But I am extermely tired.

My Fupus were telling me dont be hungry at Teej. You should eat and so many long lecture ( No I didn’t listened and it was short perhaps ) But they were concerned when I had told them that I do not drink a single drop of water also. (LOL ) I love celebrating it come on its once a year and I enjoy being hungry likr that without drinking a drop of water full in red appartion. My mom’s red jingling bangles plus some jewellies (but they make me allergic). But I enjoy trying to look beautiful among the mass.

So, Teej is finally here. Today too I look like I have been waiting for Teej. These Red jingling bangles of my mom, This pearl necklace I am wearing plus a simple earring and my ring on my finger. Also this extremely embroided Top.( But sad it is Black ) I wished it were Red. ( Hahah Perhaps I wish that I do not look like a married women ) I want to look what I am and what is the reality that I am unmarried and I am celebrating Teej and giving continuity to my culture.

I am going to enjoy this festival.  I am desperately waiting for tommorrow to eat Dar my grand mom cooks.

Teej-I

Teej is the festival which my mom cherish a lot. She loves to be in red appartion and everything she uses must be red. Even the rubber band she needs red. Red symbolises my father’s biological existence and my mom does that and keep that with her extermely respectful heart and soul. Red is the thing she loves a lot. Seeing that I too give that respect to the colour red a lot.

Red symbolises victory , power and blood. The true colour of life nothing can compete with the colour red. However I rarely use the colour red and there is only one red kurta in my wardobe. But I love to see my mother wearing red red things.

Finally this years Teej is in and we can see a flocks of women on the road wearing this red dress and red bangles and red everything. I feel an utter happiness when I see these womens and girls celebrating Teej then I feel really good because it is the part of our long culture. Perhaps the girls are going to find out their Prince Charming. But I love their attitude towards continuation of their culture. I do that for sure and for obvious reasons. I love to continue what my mom does but a big NO to finding out my Prince Charming. ( I am reluctant to this part of culture )

Teej, particularly know as festival of women is considered as the biggest festival and biggest day for women. ( For satarizing purpose it is often regarded as the Freedom day for women ). Women go to their parents home for eating Dar, Dar is a food that is eaten before the Teej day. Particularly Dar is not any kind of dish but it is preparing different kinds of tasty meals and eat it till the midnight so that women do not go hungry on their fast the following day. Hmmm…The following day they even do not drink a drop of water ( I do this not drinking a single drop of water)

So, I was writing about the Teej’s enthusiasm in women and how do they cherish this day being so much euphoric. The married one do it for their hubbies long life and the young girl like me do it to find their Prince Charming, Mr. Right and perhaps the Shiva. ( As Parvati, Lord Shiva’s wife had done this fast and got her Lord Shiva ). Perhaps the girls search for their Shiva. ( I feel seriously laughing because when you take it from the feministic point of view then I become reluctant. I do not want to live under the whims of my Prince Charming )

When we look at the other side of the Teej how could we miss those innocent womens who have lost their husbands and living a life of widow. They even took fast but they rarely wear the RED. Red is totally forbidden to them. If they wear red it will be a sin. Why the colour red becomes curse for these womens. Their trembling heart when ever they see the other women in their attractive RED appartion. They lose the right to wear red since the death of their husband. It is the most painful when women’s Red bangles, Red sari, Red Pote ( the wedding band women wear around their neck) and Red Sindoor ( Vermillion powder which they put on the forehead) is mercylessly taken away and burned with the body of the husband. This is perhaps the snatching of the most beautiful right a women preserves.

I hate this brutality of culture. I seriously hate it. This is cultural mystrey why after a women can not wear Red after their husbands death. I am going to encourage those all ladies to come forward and wear the red appartion as a celebration of their Teej. I want to encourage those women to enjoy their liberty and then to come forward and be in red.

P.S. I have been desperately waiting for the day to come and I am really going to enjoy the day.

We do not even take care of those fateless women a

Midnight Illusion

It is now 9:20 PM and it is certainly midnight for me. I would have been sleeping and dreaming perhaps in this time and I am see typing these words in my blog. I am glad that I received mail from my friend and he praised my blogsite. I am happy for this really happy for this. After all there is someone. I dont want to amke the blog so popular but also I would love if my friends my close friends read it all and I would love to receive comment from them.

Likewise I went to meet my school friend Ramita who has got the US visa and I am surprised at her and her family members calmness to handle the US going thing so easily. I am amazed. I love to be with my friends I go mad with them and be the most crazy girl. I just dont know how much I had laughed today screamed and felt good after such a long time. I always cherish their presence in my life and without them this Sweta is lone. A chicken hearted girl. But with friends I am the Lion…LOL..

So, I was really happy and ate tasty rice at Ramita’s place and then ran towards office and I was late and reached at 1145 AM hahah ( Susshhh!! my mam is not there at office she has gone for a holiday and I am enjoying my freedom ) and I enjoyed a lot today.

I think I am feeling too sleepy I really dont know what I am writing but I wrote a blog already and I dont know what I am going to write here which I have started Perhaps about the laughs I laughed today after such a long time. I have been grief striken…and today i was throwing all my disparity, dismay and laughing with friends a lot and a lot. In the road we were screaming and we crazy girls thinking nothing but just us and never thought what other people will think and just Laughed a lot in the middle of road.

Binu as always up to date….Chali looking very beautiful and Mita elegant in her 1655 rupees Top. Hey by the way they didnt gave me the cake …Oh just remembered it now. I am going to kill those girls. 

Dad’s not home yet and let me see the watch..oh its 940 PM now how could I wake up till now I must have been courageous. I am feeling fear  of ghosts. See I am alone in this room (malai Bhoot aaucha jasto lagdai cha ) Oh dear I am feeling too much fear.

Come on Sweta get your gears up. I am not moving from this place now. Oh dear Om nama Shivaya om nama Shivaya….gods gonna help me out let the bhoot kill me….no I dont want to die so young …God I need to go to bed I wont wait for dad now.

P.S. Midnight fear

Disillusionment

It is natural to be in pain when one is disillusioned and it happened to me I must say today and I am numb. Feeling numb has been a habit to me and I am not being able to get out of these hues. I have created this and I need to suffer. Suffering has no any limitations and for me to suffer it has been a routine.

I am reading about Barrack Obama. I want to know him so I googled him and found out it in wikipedia. I am reading few lines and again back writing. I want to write about my disillusionment and perhaps I am disillusioned.

We are waiting for dad to come because it is our sleeping time. Perhaps people knowing me will be knowing about this better and they laugh I know they laugh out loud. And sometime I do that too laughing at my self and my family memebers. How come Bishesh my brother sleep at 7:30 PM.

But me I try to sleep at 8:00 PM. I wait the clock to strike 8 and so that I will be proud that I have slept at 8. ( hahahah). Just read fwe lines from Wikipedia and found out that Obama admitted that during high school he used cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol, which he described as his greatest moral failure. And I found it interesting because it is people who make mistake and If they know what they have done and promise themself that they will not repeat it again. Then I think I assume that is disillusionment.

People make mistake and they try to hide. But I am not the one to hide mistake and forget it but I am the one who learn from the mistake and never repeat it again.  I believe Obama does not use cocaine, marijuna and alcohol now, does he? No, Perhaps. And see what he is now….I am perhaps being fan of Obama. I have just heard his speech while changing channel and stumbled upon this man Obama speaking in CNN and it was awesome and peoples participation was amazing.

And I am writing and mom is here by my side I do not know why is she checking that I am mailing DW  or chatting. No mom no I am not doing I have promised myself I will not repeat the mistake again. Five minutes left to eight and my eyes are growing heavier I want a good night sleep. Damn I am feeling so sleepy ( Perhaps I am the laziest chick) and there is no one online in my instant messenger  too and on the other hand I am hearing the gazal of Jagjit Singh ( Singh is Kinng No! haha not this song but a soothing number Tum Itna Jo Muskuraraheho …making me more and more sleepy. )

My brother bishesh must be dreaming now and mom has gone to sleep and I am waiting for dad to come home. Oh! old man have been real busy. 

And I was telling about my disillusionment and it is the same my heart doesnot wants to believe it and see me I am completely drowned in this disillusionment. Now I am trying for yahoo messenger If somebody is online…

I am too tired and I am feeling so much sleepy. Its 8:10 PM now, I think I would have been too dreaming if I were not typing these words and hearing these extremely tragic hindhi numbers and this may be the reason that I am feeling extremely sleepy.

So, I was telling about my disillusionment that I can not say why and how but Yes I am disillusioned perhaps. I want to be strengthful and I want to show the world how capable this girl is. I am able to stand I am strong and I am able to tackle the world to fulfill my ambition and desire. I am a real ambition freak and I can do anything for it. Perhaps a mistake I shall remember ever but I am not going to be chick and regret it for life but I am learning from it a lot. Can you hear me I am saying DW I am capable to show you and the world how much capable I am. Perhaps I need sometime and I am going to reach top. Top than YOU.

P.S. I am disillusioned. ( Oh dear I am feeling so sleepy)

Escaping Death

27th  March 2008

 

 

I DID I ESCAPED DEATH YESTERDAY ON THE ROAD I MET DEATH YESTRDAY BUT GOD CANCELLED MY APPOINTMENT WITH DEATH AND SAVED ME BY TELLING ITS NOT THE TIME TO MEET DEATH.

Yes this is true that i escaped death yesterday and what I am feeling right now is I am so scared and feared that I can’t say anything and I am speechless that I cant speak….Nothing happened to me everybody told I was about to die the road runners saw that I was about to die but I have not realized the accident was so but the people told me that I thought you were dead…..

I forgot everything and there was one thing on my mind that I remember is that I suffered a severe accident I remember till that vehicle hit me and I fell down. Somebody came and pick me up I was speechless and I didn’t knew something had happened to severely,,,

Sometimes death tries to catch you but you need to escape ….
I escaped death today…………………

P.S. I have written this earlier but posted it today under my scooty diary …Perhaps this is the most hilarious experience I have had…but still I love driving

The Coffee House Revival

With this tearful eyes and my trembling hand, I am dropping these words in my diary. Yes, I am able to read and write, yes, I have eyes to see and my heart to feel and distinguish between what is good and what is bad. But I curse myself why I was blindfolded that time? Those continuous words are ringing in my ears. (Yes, It is ringing till now too) and figure out reality either it weren’t obscure.

 

He came to my Coffee Store for the first time on August 03 …Yes I remember a big smile in his face and his different nature of asking a cup of coffee and as a part of my job I served him the Hot Coffee. (Perhaps I had felt my heart trembling that day for the first time in these seven years)

 

My Coffee house is my home and my destiny and my world. I love the place so much because it is mine ( I call it is mine). It is my world and it is my dream being realized. I get a good amount from their collecting money for a cup of coffee I serve. Be it weren’t my Coffee House; I would have freely donate my coffee to these Coffee Lovers. Still the Coffee store is my world.

 

My coffee House is simple unlike others. There is a table which separates me from visitors and they can see me easily. My new coffee machine is my greatest possession. I clean it every now and then and I have given it a name “My lovely girl”. There are chairs for the visitors and they come and chat but I rarely listen to them. I am just indifferent to them. The relationship is over whenever they pay for the coffee.

Never had I got a chance to move out of my coffee house. Oh! This Coffee house has been a big responsibility for me. I had never got a chance to learn a life apart form the Coffee House where I have grown up and where I am living now. It has been seven years now, I have been the owner of the Coffee House. Serving coffee, collecting money, serving coffee and collecting money. These paper notes …Oh! I hate to get attached with them so much as I hate to drink the Coffee…even it has come through my lovely girl.

I must admit this visitor was different, as I mentioned earlier. He was not just the strange I felt. I thought I had known him from ages. I do not know why I got strike on my heart when he first came to my Coffee shop, when I looked at him and his childish smile and when he walked off from the coffee house his extraordinary walking manner. But damn I could not look at his eyes as the eyes were hidden behind the spectacles.

His visit to my Coffee House became regular. Guess what? We have started “Chatting” and “Talking” (Earlier we just shared smile). I personally felt good serving him his favorite Hot Coffee. This feeling is perhaps the new one that arose in my heart for the first time in these seven years. I do not remember much about my teenage now. But it had been a daily habit to meet him and waiting for the Clock striking six. Those few hours he spent n my Coffee Store was the moments I want to catch and make it eternal.

I had forgotten to be expressed in this hectic schedule of my life and these monotonous feelings. Never thought anything beyond the Coffee House, Coffee and damn money. Never had I imagined my escape from this hectic schedule of life. I have learnt to cherish it and love the way it is and it was. Perhaps the Coffee House was my biggest responsibility. Just never thought beyond that I am a Coffee House Girl and to serve coffee is my job and I need to earn.

Conceivably, this heart was waiting for someone to befriend and when I met this strange visitor at my Coffee House then I fell for him in fact I fell for a “friend” indeed. I shared everything with him without getting the idea that the visitor was a stranger in fact. Just what I got was a chance to be expressed and that was all. I was, perhaps having a kind of relief while talking with him and yes he came there alone. 

He told me I was a cute little thing, I was beautiful and all. Yes, I believed those words as it was first time I had heard anything like that. He claimed saying that “You are mine, only mine”. Yes I believed those heart wavering words being so much innocent. My indulgence with him was taking me away from my Coffee House and I have been realizing this. But this sweet feeling was making me intoxicated and I didn’t want to think anything.

The day I realized the fact I broke into tears, I was feeling shame and outrage for myself. My visitor was innocent because it was his way of living. I was the culprit for being away from the biggest responsibility of my life, My Coffee House. The visitor had faked that he was a bachelor, I didn’t felt bad at this point too because I thought we can be best buddies but he told those words he had spoke was fake. I was perhaps having a nervous breakdown. How could I ever imagine that the feeling of happiness was false the stranger was phony?

I had been real strong in these seven years, the strange visitor perhaps have melted my heart but he could not broke me down. I can stand and I want to stand again in the same feet (either I trembles). I can be responsible again for my Coffee House again, the place I love so much.(The place I had loved so much)all remain in the depth of my heart for ever. Perhaps I shall hide and keep those feelings safe forever. But I shall never fall for the stranger now.. I promised to my heart and my soul and myself….I shall never fall for the stranger. Perhaps, my Coffee House has been revived and I shall never let it die now. Till the eternal pace of time and till I preserve the feelings for the stranger. Let me stop writing here.  I need a good sleep now, tomorrow is my Coffee House’s Anniversary. Need to do a lot of things.

 

By-Sweta Baniya

 

 

Invisible Truth

The invisible pain I am suffering. 
Unkonwn to anyone that I am still living,
Yes I am living but I am dead inside 
Unaware I am if it is murder or suicide

Invisible to anyone that I am gasping
For the breathe that I am inhaling,
Yes, I am inhaling but I am not living,
 I am unaware if I am living or I am dead.

If I were living then I would not be so dead
All the happiness and passion are becoming fade
Its true that I am living outside
but I am sincerely telling this I am dead inside

I dont know the reason why I am inhaling

For just the reason that I am living

But I dont wanna live life so insane

For I am not forgetting the pain I gain

 

Yes truly this is invisible truth

The truth is that I am alive with these invisible wounds

I am disabled and I am gasping for breathe

to live this life just for god’s sake

 

By-: Sweta