The Mountain ~ That’s Mine

I know Mountains~  There is the strong reason behind you standing stagnant for forever and ever!

I know Mountains~There is the strong reason behind you standing stagnant for forever and ever!

Close your eyes and tell me what did you see? 

Black out. I saw nothing. Then I tried it again- something black and dark started to get accumulated around my chest and it took the form of a huge black, dark, gloomy and barren mountain. I have always disliked mountains, I felt like I can never associate myself with mountains. No doubt they are majestic, they are beautiful, they are breath taking too but somehow I can never say I “like” mountain- it doesn’t excite me as much as the rivers ~ that keeps on flowing on and on and on and is not standing stagnant for ages like the mountains.

But something that I saw around my chest was sadly not a flowing river, but it was mountain~ huge mountain and it had no snow, it had no greenery nothing. Never realized that I was carrying a big mountain inside me that is not very happy mountain, it is a sad mountain, it is a serious mountain. For, how long I have been carrying this mountain inside me? How long did it take to reach the huge height that it has now when I realized it is inside me? What are the things that have piled up to make this huge mountain? This is the pile of the fossils of feelings may be. All those feelings that I can personally feel ~ happiness, sadness, despair, anger, anxiety, fear, love, hate and on and on – may be all these things make the mountain.
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Dear Madhes!!

Dear Madhes,

It is 100th day of shutdown!!! One hundred day in 365 days amounts to some 27.39 %. And for this much time- you have been silently shouting by staying stagnant. Thanks to the Earthquake that had least impact in Terai ( in comparison) and now- how life is out of gear makes it worse than the earthquake, isn’t it? The silent roads ( assumption), the closed schools (reality- from yesterday it opened), the closed factories- what about the daily wage-earning workers? What about you dear Janaki?

I understand- revolution is necessary – if you feel it is not right and if you feel that you need to demand it – then you do have right to demand – it is democracy!!

We don’t know what happens to you- what is really happening to you- but it has continued till one hundred days!!! We have stopped giving headline that whole Madhesh is on strike- well, we did that till 18-19 days. The information that comes here is so minimum that we don’t know what exactly the general people – who are on strike feel or want. We hear the leaders – Gachhadar, Yadav, Thakur- all the time we are assured that “the meeting ended on a positive note”, “today is the decisive meeting” and at the end “the meeting ended inconclusively”.

What happens inside that meeting? Do you know it ? You don’t know! So do we! We don’t know what do they talk- what are they planning!!! We are in the age where information floats in the air – but I am sorry – I can’t distinguish between a reality and/or hyper-reality. I am not sure that if whatever we are told about you is reality or a hyperreality. We move in between reality and hyperreality, right? Continue reading

Inbox (15)

Are you – A Warrior?

Dear Friend,

Power and Strength

And ~ within all of us there is a warrior ~ There is The Bhairav – Photo by Kishor K Sharma ( Thanks a lot )

Like it was never before – have you ever tried to evaluate yourself through your own understanding of your self? By the way – do you totally understand yourself? Is it necessary to understand yourself? Where are your inner demons? How comfortable do you feel while moving with your inner demons? What theory do you use to differentiate in between  the Good and the Bad. After all whom do you call good? And whom will you regard as the Bad.

Have you ever thought about that? About how do you keep on fighting with your little invisible heart -Have you ever imagine how can little heart preserve all those threads that you call “feelings”. And now, you have created a web out of it – entangled and overlapped ~ yes all the feelings. Why don’t it act like the spider web and hold the self?

Hey~ what are your thoughts on Self? Do you realize how far have you traveled? We have always been asked the same question of “Where do you see yourself after five years?” – But let me ask you one question ~ “Where were you before five years?” Have you crawled over the mountains of fear, anxiety and helplessness and reached atop to come back again – to fall again- then to climb again. Continue reading

Second Set of Imaginations!

Some Sets of Imaginations! Some Fragrances of Love Some Moments of You and I

Some Sets of Imaginations!
Some Fragrances of Love
Some Moments of You and I Pic: Google.com

 

The year 2008: We were three- sitting on a bench at the college playground and we imagined of a spacecraft, we were astronauts suddenly and we started our spaceship and made some sound and we felt like traveling to another world. We ended in a laughter.

The year 2001: It was the Millennium! We thought we were the luckiest one to see the world living for past 10,000 years! We had a party of pakaudas and a small campfire! I remember I was a mere passive participant in the fete! I imagined why I was not part of the organizing team! How would I have also danced like them in the dress they were wearing?

Small tiny imaginations do make our moments valuable! One imagination was imagined together and that gave us smile and the other made me question about myself! Why I had to limit myself as a small naive child, who could not speak, who could not get good marks in the examination? Who didn’t even smile during the program of Gai Jatra festival with parents – where all the Hall was roaring with Laughter – This year must be 90’s when I was little. I was lost, lost – lost child – very very introvert.

Years after when I met you, I slowly try to come out of my introvert nature. I feel like I can share – I can speak and I will be heard. And, you heard, kept on hearing me! Till I started to speak, speak more! Smile more! Feel like loved! Loved? Really? I pinch myself! I feel like Yes – Oh yeah!

Second Set of Imaginations

We ensconce ourselves, in the heart of each other just like in the small chairs that we have marked ours indirectly because we never sit on any other chairs in the little cafe! This little cafe where we unlock our hearts and start narrating stories of pain, pleasure, happiness, sadness, anger, anxiety and love. No one would ever know may be the exact moment they fall in love just like the moment night and day meet to be apart daily, for that one moment of time! May be in that one moment I fell for you! Continue reading

Happy Anniversary – Coffee House!

Happy Seventh Anniversary The Coffee House Revival ! Pic: Google.com

Happy Seventh Anniversary The Coffee House Revival ! Pic: Google.com

It feels like it was yesterday, I started something called blog and now it has already been Seven Years- For past Seven Years, Dear Blog you have been something my own like Woolf would say, “A Room of One’s Own”. Definitely a woman needs a room of her own actually men need it too. This blog has been my space- a room of my own, something that I own, something that I call mine – just mine. How easy it has been made by the technology? I would have scribbled everything to my small diary and locked it somewhere! But here in this space of my own, I not only scribble for the sake of scribbling but I also record my own country, society, me-myself – or let me put it this way- this space has been a way of recording a different history through a lens of a Nepali woman.  This is where I express the unexpressed feelings, the emotions and sometimes when my voice is not heard- this space becomes my outcry! And this is a space where I Excavate Freedom! Continue reading

For Walking in my Life ~Thanks

With you all in my heart I swing ~you all swing  And  Thus we live

With you all in my heart
I swing ~you all swing
And
Thus we live~ we continue to live

This is for You ~ You ~ You ~You and You …Many Many You(s) who have walked in my life and made it so so beautiful and meaningful. You have walked in my life in many different beautiful forms~ in the form of laughter, in the form of bond, in books, in all those pink gifts that you bring for me from every where~ from spectacles from Newroad to cute pink clips from Singapore to scarf from France to pink socks from Japan to cute pink horse from USA~or a pink diary from Denmark~a pink phone cover from amazon (: or in the form of pink chaubandi from dhoj ko pasal or in the form of pen drive from Mahabaudha ~ or in the form of jhol momo talk  or in the form of soul sister in twitter #dm in the form of the sweetest self made birthday card or in the form of the first greeting card in my post box from California ~ or in the form of somebody who cares me more than myself or in the form of immense love ~ intense love ~ over a cup of Herbal Tea at our small cozy table.

I have always been the most pampered one in every relation that I have maintained with you all~you have been greatest bearer of my nastiness and sweetest sweetness and  truly an integral part of my little heart. I don’t know my small physical heart has kept all the emotions that I feel for you all so clear ~ and I wonder how you all carry me in your heart where ever you go~ how special I am to you all and how I can’t imagine my life without you all. Continue reading

November Nights

November has seen many things. All the time it has been the witness of the upheavals of life ~ the most beautiful and the worse. Yet it has gathered me, collected me from the pieces scattered and pushed me towards delightful December ~ continually reminding me that ~ I should move on ~ move on towards some uncertain future~ to dare to face it without covering my face. But last year it didn’t see the Rain and this year too it seems like it will not see it again. NO RAIN??? How will my heart handle this drought ~ the dearth of the droplets? How will November itself handle the ugliness of the drought?

Yet, November air brings the special fragrance of yours from far far away like the snow flakes falling at your end , melting away turning itself into the droplets, falling continuously , melting unconditionally and turning into the river and flowing to get attached to the large ocean and then traveling all the way to me after being vaporized ~ ( I take a long deep breathe here). In the chilliness of the air ~ there is some moist ~ and that carries you and I happily inhale the cool , chilly and lovely moist air just to feel you ~ just to feel you. Continue reading