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Wings!!

Dear Friend,

And I know you will understand everything without me saying a single word, this is where we keep our friendship, our emotions so safe. You will understand the depth in each word when you will read in this little letter but… I have been writing you a lot~ a lot when knowing that I will never ever get a reply! I know-I know I am not throwing away my tantrums~ I wish I could!

The moment I thought all the things fell into places ~ the very moment ground shook it all ~ keeping me in a moment of awestruck, with a confidence to walk down at the zero level. But how long one could be in the same place where you day by day you lose your confidence. One day! One day! You were ought to say NO! scream out loud and to give yourself a little push to fly~ else your wings will be forever locked.

But! The flight will be so unknown! People will call you crazy! But you have guts to accept this craziness na? I know you will not judge anything, knowing that I was not right for the world but I was right for myself. For myself, it was a decision. Totally hard to get away from the emotion that doubles your happiness. Totally hard and difficult to give up little dreams that you planned. Are dreams planned? Yeah of course they can be, till you lose it piece by piece like the puzzle piece.

December Tears

November ended with rain – But December gave more pain. Another number in calendar waits to be changed. The passed year is not going to come over again. The cold air outside is freezing  Kathmandu and day by day it  is getting cooler and colder. This heater really works as it burns and heats me up and the cold room.

The chits-chats are locked in the walls or are flown away from the window pane. The call unanswered. The call ignored. The talk so indifferent. The text messages unseen.

A novel yet to be completed ~ Anna Karenina — Oh how I love this love story. But this romantic tragedy pleases me.

One poem by Elizabeth Bishop reminds me always to master the art of losing. I do a lot to adopt this habit or to master the art of losing. Gradually, I am doing. People laughed at me while I lost a cell-phone for the first time ~ I was so normal. But I loved that phone, the snake game was very easy time -pass and I was after all the highest scorer and the “Snake Master”. But nothing pinched me.

And the right-eye is paining because of cold-infection. Every thing is over crowded ~ eyes are overcrowded with the tiny hot salty stream. But the sun has dried it ~ the stream is seasonal. Kohl – plays a great role – it becomes a dam. A strong one. But the eye-colors -I dislike them- they are for happy occasion- but kohl it is for every occasion.

A long walk along busiest New Road — aches the ankle, but the indifference seen pains the heart more. An old woman is seen burning a tiny piece of news paper, and tries to ease the cold, the mother of 3 ~ unknown who’s the father console herself in begging ~ I walk indifferent ~ so indifferent.

A far long wait for December ~ it tears apart the years.

December came with no delight. The wait for it was futile…totally futile.

 

All that’s dream – II

(This is the story written by me in Stream Of Consciusness technique , just trying a new  thing in writing …nothing related to anybody’s personal life , the Part -I is below this post )

 

Unlike other day , I am empty handed today. No vegetables and no any shopping. What should I do, there were protest going around there. What if Bardan again..Bardan again…No No I am defending myself today..I will shout if he does that, I will beat him if he does that. But can I beat him like that. Can I shout like him, Can I or Can I not, should I or should I not. What should I do??.

These vegetables are so dirty, Bardan would not eat these if he sees this. Let me cook his favourite dish today, but would he feel good and better, or or … or would he again shout. No, why would he shout if I am not the one who caused the Protest. The shops were closed at Ason and this is the reason I could not buy anything today. But it was not my fault.

It was not my fault. Was it my fault ? Was it my fault ?

I think I should cook now. Bardan will come being hungry.

Oh that hug was awesome. Awesome…and awesome. I still feel the emotions……the moment of ecstatic pleasure which Bardan could never give me.

Hey what I am thinking. What if Bardan knows this ? He loves me so much but if he loves me then why he beats me because because

It was not my fault. Its nature ‘s fault , what if I could not give him…

Oh dear again I should stop thinking that

Hey its already six….Its time he will arrive. But why he is not home yet. What has happened ? Has he …no he may not..has he …oh dear has he ….or not..

Has he started coming home late ?? But why he has started coming home late??…

Is this my fault too…unlike that..unlike the fault that I could not…I am unable…to carry his sperm in my body…

The food is ready now. Yeah I am hungry too but but I can’t eat till Bardan arrives….till Bardan arrives

But that Hug was awesome..that makes me feel woman. Bardan never had feelings and he could not arouse feelings inside me. His touch never makes my spine hot with passion , like that simple hug was which creates passion in me till today.

…………………………………………………

I am married now I should not think about other men now. What if Bardan feels that I am betraying him, where shall I go if he kicks me out from the house. That one who had hug me long time ago is lost somewhere, I think I will not recognize his face now. How shall I conslose him and how shall I consloe my heart and soul that are bounded by the so called marriage with Bardan.

This picture is so cool, I look so young in this one, how Bardan had catched my hand in the weeding day and how I was blushed like never before and how my friends had teased me and how my heart had beated that day, how much had it palpitated.

What about the first night???

This picture is good too where my family is looking so happy. Mom Oh Mom why you have left me …Mom do you remember how naughty was I Mom how I argued with you when I needed to thread my eyebrows for the first time, while I troubled you a lot. Dear mom now you are not with me. Dear mom I am missing you. Dear mom you have told me once that when I will have my own child I will know all these things but mom why why nature didn’t gave me chance to born my own child. Dear Mom why is the reason I am childless. Dear mom …oh dear mom..he beats me mom..dear mom..

Dilasha…why are you not opening the door..Dilasha..are you there …

Yes I am here wait …

Oh ! why you look so pale today, Dilasha…

Well, nothing Bardan.

Dineer is ready, why are you late today…??  I am so hungry today.

Then why you waited me just for the sake of waiting ??  And did you buy those things that I have given you..

Oh the dinner is ready come and eat dear…

Seems like you are going out of mind these days…and why can;t you do anything nicely.

Why Bardan is talking like this, does he knows about that hug, that awesome hug..oh I am feeling passion now…Has he found out that I was thinking of that hug. Has he known that person. Oh dear why Bardan is talking like this.

Give me some dal..Can you hear me?? Give me some dal..

Oh sure wait…

Should I tell the truth that I could not buy anything because of the revolution, because of rallies that made me unable to buy anything..

Should I tell him that he was unable to give me satisfaction..Should I tell him that it is he, who is infertile..

Should I tell him that I want my baby like my grandmom had my mom had me, like Samrita has, like the moms who carry their baby ..in their womb, like they carry them in their lap.

Should I tell him that I want baby…

Why are you awake Dilasha…sleep now…

Turn off the light…

Didn’t you hear me turn off the light.

Can’t you hear me ?… You stupid woman turn off the light now.