Finding the Inner Compass

Lost? Maybe? 

I had promised her that I will write her an email and I haven’t even started that email. It has been nearly two years. I want to tell her everything. But I took many steps back. Stopped writing – blog, poem, letters, sending cards, pictures, text, chat!

Resettling could be hard~ could be worse~ could be fun~ could be anything and mostly could be something that you are unable to communicate. Maybe because you are still waiting to find that inner compass that led you somewhere initially. And, now it is lost? Maybe?

How could I tell, I have been losing and finding, finding and losing the inner compass? 

I think I haven’t completely lost it but have been doing this back and forth, on and off. But there are so many things to keep track of ~ and the inner compass gets buried deep down in dark and eventually, you forget where it is.

I couldn’t write an email to her! Couldn’t share that I have been trying to find something that is lost inside me and searching elsewhere and everywhere outside me.

One thought in my head says: maybe she could have helped, maybe she could have suggested, maybe she could have guided as she always does. But, I had decided not to talk to anyone including myself.

Silence!

There was an urge to have this silence. I couldn’t even go back to the meditation days, where I could put myself down into hours of meditation and then heal myself.

This time~ healing was far far away because I was letting myself suffer – don’t know if it was the pain, irritation or a complete apathetic moment for me ~ I wasn’t healing because I didn’t want to heal. Just like I didn’t want to email her. 

But, now I think it is that moment~ to find ~ to search ~ to achieve the inner compass again! And, gear up on writing her with the truth of how lost I was…and how eager I am to find my inner compass

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The Remnants

Lost are the crayons of life, it seems so dark and vacant it looks like.

Lost are the crayons of life, it seems so dark and vacant it looks like.

It is the sketch of a different tale. Something I would probably wouldn’t want to write it in any day. But the truth is I am writing. May be I am writing because I am bound to give the shape to the rumblings of heart by recording of the its sound. Where else

can the voice of the heart can be recorded else if it is not transcribed? The voice of heart you all have stopped to respond ~ calls, sms, emails ~should I wait for them when you have stopped to respond to the voice of heart?

I dreamed of you all. I dreamed of you all drifting away, fleeting away and going away one by one. I never wanted to face this in real life. But see I am facing it and surviving through it. May be resisting because I want to change the situation. I so badly want to change the situation because I want you all back again in my life. But it will be impossible to find something that is lost deliberately. One by one I lost my crayons. Continue reading