Cold

Don’t know why I am feeling so cold…so lone..as I had felt last September….I don’t want to be numb as always…quite and suffering with the pain…No, I don’t want to give pain to others because they don’t deserve it…the most beautiful people in the world..they can’t tolerate it…

Some days can be boring like this…Sweety must be chatting with her friends…as always..or facebooking…but I am here typing don’t know why I opt for this…writing…..Seems like …I am so habituated to my colleagues…to chat and laugh unnecessarily…backbite about Sweety, and a lot of girly gossips….but what if Sweety bans..it here at office.

I prefer imagination to reality. Coleridge has well said “Reality is dark dream”….Yes.. it is a dark dream…I don’t want to dream a dark dream…really it hurts to know..it hurts to realize which I don’t want to..
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Nothing but for Freedom

Not my personal decision it was but I felt, I personally felt that I was able to breathe after so much long. And I am finally able to stand on my own feet and it feels great that I am able to rebel against whom? Against my own psyche may be this would be right. A sort of silly busyness…of mine which I think is worthless neither that helped me financially nor that gave me a sense of satisfaction. It was and it is right decision of mine because it was my decision. My decision to not to be more burdened. How much I was equal to syspus, nothing but always running, always always in a rush a rush that will give me such tiredness which I hate a lot, which I have hated always. Still I do hate my own busyness because it never gave me freedom. The freedom I had wanted. The freedom I want to achieve.
The time I want to spend with myself. I don’t even have time for my self. My flowing kohl, my uncombed hair and my wacky punk dress up. I am a girl I too may be have desires to be beautiful, to get gorgeous, to chose the best shoe and best dress. But what do I have time for doing so, no that’s why I accept what I am, the way I look, never conscious how much weird. Sometime I feel like I live in my unconscious world. Where I live, where I grow and where I sall die. Living in this unconscious world of self where there is nothing to worry about everything happens in unconscious way and I find it awesome. Because when you are conscious then you will be in pain. Like the consciousness that made Hamlet suicide, like consciousness that made Othello go mad. But what about my own consciousness that made me contemplate.
Yes, a time I was conscious and that time I felt I need time for myself, people I call family, relatives, friends and all. I became conscious about the looks because I look so weird but yet this consciousness of mine didn’t make me feel that I should look like the other gorgeous girls. “Physical Appearance doesn’t count on my behalf, what counts is school of thought and mental capability” , said someone a long time ago.
Yes, I realized that I need to have freedom, yes I need to breathe, nothing but for freedom I am doing this. Freedom that I want and I need. I need to live and cheer for this life is mine and I want my life to be as I like. No pressure, No Boss, No Pressure and No Boss. Me and I , I am me, Sweta and Freedom. An escape, an escape into the Himalayas, the air of freedom for self.
Everyone has right don’t they. To be in freedom. I am in freedom too but still I feel bounded because of the competence in my mind that doesn’t let me be in freedom. The social, cultural and the political competence in my mind that doesn’t let me be in freedom. No, I don’t want to have a freaky freedom. A freaky freedom means umm..no I dont know the definition. I don’t know the defination, but I understand this what a freaky freedom means.
No, I don’t need that freedom but I need a space for myself. A Space for me. Space for Sweta, for living a life that I want, A dream of mine …Space for Sweta.. A life of own, a life full of nature and yes full of technology yes I can’t live without internet hahaha and without my baby bride. This would be too much. But people need technology and I am not the exception. So , I was talking about my space, My life is a space, hey to sustain life I need a space, my space, where I can write, write and write.
Time..where there is no time, my space would be like that where I would not have to run like I am doing like now, where I don’t have to compete with anyone..No hurt no pains no gain no losses, no feelings no sadness no happiness..(when there is happiness there will be sadness ).
A space nothing but for freedom, for my freedom, my space my freedom….my world and my life, my universe..

Chilly Hours

Chilly Winter mornings , and the chilly feelings, wanting the hottest coffee, wanting to again bunk, wanting to sleep five minutes more, wanting to be away from the world and again sleep and dream. Dream the dream I want to dream, whatever I feel is the best for me..or else what gives me the happiness of being me or which gives me happiness even while I am dreaming.

Chilly winds …..so cold, feeling the moves the wind blows and feeling the warmth on the chilly wind. Going with the wind, thumping heart because of this cold…Chilling the bones…Yes I don’t want to feel the cold so I go for heating myself, Yes the heater is there but poor us Loadshedding prevails. During warm summer we want chill and in this cold chilly winter we want heat. May be this is the human nature and this is something everyone want.

Its normal to go for chill in summer and heat in winter, but it is also normal to enjoy in the burning heat of the warm summer days and equally enjoying the cold chilly winters. At least I would love to do this. I would love to accept it as it is , accept the real real reality away from the dream I dream, away from the desires and thoughts that I believe, the ideals I live by.

Accepting this chilly days as of now and feeling it, trying to excavate something , yes me ..Yes myself after all, how much changed I feel in the summer and the winter days. Warm clothes that I wear like now, protecting me from this cold but does these clothes make me away from the feeling of being cold. No they just can’t stop me to feel the chill that I am feeling through the pores in this body or because of the sensitivity, what else that is making me feel the chill..Yes this December must be the one..that is making me to feel this feeling..but what but its not nascent I believe.

I am wondering about the changes that I feel while I am living sometimes there is heat and sometimes chilly..nothing to feel more than this the changing time and its wonderful magics,,,,the magic of feeling hot, the magic of feeling cold and the magic it does changing us day by day each day.

It is same summer and it is same winter and its is the same feeling but every time they come and go they lead me a little ahead, little ahead I go and little increase in the age just one number more… what else than this…a little more experienced I become, a little more BIG…

Oh its so cold today, the cool cool another  december day…nothing more..again passage of this golden time and I here wondering wondering how can I get warmth…oooohhh..nah!!! how can I enjoy this very beautiful cool cool december day..

P.S. Chilly hours ..with chilly feelings…

24 hours

Hurry Hurry…its six…

Something needs to be fix..

Watch rings..but I throw it out..

They yell..out..yell out hard..

Suddenly, I realize..I need to run..fast..

Reach there always always late..

I always say its my fate…

We are grown ups..not even asked why late?? ..

Then yawn all time..its lack of sleep I know and he says..too

I am helpless..with this messy hair, unironed clothes..

I laugh at this…

Then reach there again late..

Again all the blames to fate..

Work Work and Yawn Yawn…

Scolded because it always become mistake..

She is the one..who am I ???

Its fun as well all the day to talk and talk

Then suddenly a look over the watch gives a hint

Time up here..need to reach there on time..

I pretend there that I am all fine..

No I am never tired..because I needed to go on air..

But the problem is I always fear..

The again back to the place I belong..

Chilly nights..dark ways..

Lights sometimes and blackout somedays..

Fear I fear..when they stop and check license..

Run again fast very fast..

Sometimes tyres burning in the night..

What the hell…why they fight…

Then reach here…being so tired..

She is always fired..asks isn’t it too late??..

Then again I say its all fate..

Then needed to do the assignments

Tomorrow’s presentation..

What do I do now..check out few lines..

Again I throw it out…

I say to myself its absurd to read at this hour..

There is always “tomorrow” ( Jay Bholi )

Then the routine goes on..like the cycle..

Again blames to fate..why only 24 hours…

Its not enough…

P.S. Isn’t it absurd..Isn’t it funny..what do I get after all…I need to die one day…