Cold

Don’t know why I am feeling so cold…so lone..as I had felt last September….I don’t want to be numb as always…quite and suffering with the pain…No, I don’t want to give pain to others because they don’t deserve it…the most beautiful people in the world..they can’t tolerate it…

Some days can be boring like this…Sweety must be chatting with her friends…as always..or facebooking…but I am here typing don’t know why I opt for this…writing…..Seems like …I am so habituated to my colleagues…to chat and laugh unnecessarily…backbite about Sweety, and a lot of girly gossips….but what if Sweety bans..it here at office.

I prefer imagination to reality. Coleridge has well said “Reality is dark dream”….Yes.. it is a dark dream…I don’t want to dream a dark dream…really it hurts to know..it hurts to realize which I don’t want to..
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Vows !!!!

I left you miles and miles away……

With vows to meet again…..

I try to behold….your image….

In the clouds…I ‘d flown away…

In the waves….I’d sailed …….

Feels like you are here….

In the air…clouds…and waves… Continue reading

Deny!! Do I ?

Let the wind open it ….

The door it has closed….

Will the wind be able to open

The door which it has closed….

Same happen in love !!!!! ( ahem !! )

You came as a wind ………….

Locked yourself in “me”

Now, I am being uncontrolled….

Can you bring me back to “control”

I deny my “eyes” Continue reading

Bloods that flows in veins

(This is my another try in fiction this is a female’s story, ofcourse fictional one but trying to potray the reality of society the otherside of society , male and female relationship….nothing related to personal lives of anyone )

The story is updated…

Actually while thinking to write this story I remember the legendary story of Pashuram, who is supposed to the incarnation of Lord Bishnu. Pashuram who cut his mother into two halves just obeying the order of his father, Jamadagni Rishi….

The crime was she was late to bring water because she watched the gods with their wives playing in the water……wondering about herself and the Rishi her husband…

Here it goes……………………….

Shika, swings in her swing that Drishya hung in their terrace four years ago that is rusty now. Shika loves it as always. Feelis it like it were four years ago, but she is alone today unlike yesterday and day before yesterday…like the previous year and the previous one.

Remembers the days when they used to spend hours swinging in it like Radha and Krishna. They were in deep love and it was love that determined everything. Those were the begning days of their blissful life. The life that Shika loved it unlike anything. The like that she wants now too.

“Madam” …..tea here, says Kamala, the maid in the house.

“Put it there cant you see I am busy here”, says Shika. ( But what she is busy in …thinks Kamala )

She is gazing at her N75 mobile phone, which was gifted by Drishya before last two years. She wants call, wants to hear the lovely voice that she only knows how much she longs for it. Her burning passion in the veins..the hot blood that are flowing in her veins. The eyes are becoming red and red. The heat of sun is so less than the heat that is burning inside her. But does anyone know this, does Drishya knows this….that that..

Drishya, has forgotten to call her…and that hurts her more and more.

(She picks the tea cup that is left by Kamala but throws it away immediately. Runs away in her room and closes the door.)

 Kamala hurriedly  calls Drishya and informs that madam has again got an “attack”.  “Leave her as she is…let her do what she can…”,Drishya says.

Kamala then tries to convince Shika that Sir, has called her and asked about her. But would Shikha believe….After an hour she opens the door…finds Kamala beside the door …Kamala gives her pills recomended by Doctor…that makes Shika immediately sleep.

Would she like to sleep alone……

Shika wokes up finds Biwas has arrived from his school . Its few days that he has been admitted to the kindergarten school. Biwas wants to speak with his mother…but Mother…Mother..she doesn’t preserves any feelings of motherhood…Does she has the feelings that makes her feel something female…

Since the last conception she is sleeping alone and its been three years.  This is known by ony two , Shika and Drishya. They sleep together, separated by the breathing but…they are not together by their feelings…Don’t know why Drishya has lost the feelings but would Shikha forget…those especial hours…

Drishya, see do I look beautiful in this pink sari  I am going to wear this today…in Sunaina’s engagement…I must say she would be looking more and more beautiful…

“Well, ask your heart…and you are no more beautiful”, says Drishya.

The passion fades away again….Shika throws away…the Sari..but mandatory is she needs to go there at the party…

Shika, wears another sari..and went with Drishya and Biwas in Sunaina’s engagement.

Drishya, has put his arm over her..while walking..Shika feels wow…says I think I look more beautiful in this one..Drishya is catching her hand…others are seeing them..everyone is seeing them.

Wow…what a nice couple….she hears comment…

Sunaina says that “Shika wow you look beautiful with Drishya like this..”

Are they beautiful couple…she asks herself several times in the party.

Shika hears..Drishya saying how beautiful his wife is, how much he loves her..and how much good wife she is…

Shika is feeling the blood moving in her veins passionately…and she suddenly charms up….The passion is in her eyes…her heart beating faster and faster…..the trembling lips..the palpitating heart…the tearful eyes….

…………………………

They arrive home…Biwas went with Kamala….

They went to their room…..Drishya..throws her in bed….pulls her hair…beats her in her belly…doesn’t lets her to shout..in help…pulls her hair…Shika wonders…was the party dream…a sweet dream…She is unable to distinguish between the moment before and after.

Where the passion flows now??…she is given the doses of sleeping tablets now…recommended by Drishya…

Would Shika be able to think anything….

( The story would be completed in next post )

Crimson Joy

Crimson Joy…

Let me feel ,

No please don’t kill…

The invisible worm..

Let me live

Let me feel

The invisible worm…

Please don’t kill

Renaissance…

I can die but I cannot be defeated. So I am here reviving myself my creator. Renassiance was waiting for me or I was waiting for renaissance. Here I am reviving my self, my sentiments and my emotions and truly saying me myself, the true sweta.

Renaissance means revival of Grek art and culture in England after the dark middle age. Renaissance hearladed the birth of the new age in Europe and so it tolled the death bell of middle ages and brought a new era of bright hopes and rosy aspirations.

Here I am reviving my trueself my own dead feelings and emotions which the creator had snatched a long before. The nascent me was left like the monster in Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein and thus I am here going to have renaissance of myself. Cobwebs of ignorance and innocence  which had binded me like anything, I am here clearing off them all and here I am happy even it pains so much because I am breaking the cycle in which I was moving. Yes, creator I am having renaissance of myself.

I am tolling a death bell to the sentiments, emotions, thoughts which were like cobwebs and I am sweeping them away. Yes I can and I will do this. 

This blog is not so coward that it will suicide just because its creator had left it unbaptized. Hear me I have baptized myself and I am here with renaissance now.

Yes, with the same zeal and same rosy aspirations that I had before, I am reviving them all.

I am here with the new hopes of survival like Pandora…Everything was dead but their was hope at last. The same hope has made this possible. Hope, hope and hope till it comes true. I did the same thanks to xpress..thank you a lot..For being the one of the reasons for my revival. Thanks for regarding me as promising. I hope you would not mind anything written over here.

Truly, I can die but I can never be defeated that is why here I am undefeated. I am here with the glory of Victory which is making me feel glorified. The rosy aspirations…the revival…the beating of this heart..the eyes moist so much moist…ever ever ever…Creator …I am alive…with the victory in my hand….Yes I have won…

P.S. Renaissance…the revival

All that’s dream – II

(This is the story written by me in Stream Of Consciusness technique , just trying a new  thing in writing …nothing related to anybody’s personal life , the Part -I is below this post )

 

Unlike other day , I am empty handed today. No vegetables and no any shopping. What should I do, there were protest going around there. What if Bardan again..Bardan again…No No I am defending myself today..I will shout if he does that, I will beat him if he does that. But can I beat him like that. Can I shout like him, Can I or Can I not, should I or should I not. What should I do??.

These vegetables are so dirty, Bardan would not eat these if he sees this. Let me cook his favourite dish today, but would he feel good and better, or or … or would he again shout. No, why would he shout if I am not the one who caused the Protest. The shops were closed at Ason and this is the reason I could not buy anything today. But it was not my fault.

It was not my fault. Was it my fault ? Was it my fault ?

I think I should cook now. Bardan will come being hungry.

Oh that hug was awesome. Awesome…and awesome. I still feel the emotions……the moment of ecstatic pleasure which Bardan could never give me.

Hey what I am thinking. What if Bardan knows this ? He loves me so much but if he loves me then why he beats me because because

It was not my fault. Its nature ‘s fault , what if I could not give him…

Oh dear again I should stop thinking that

Hey its already six….Its time he will arrive. But why he is not home yet. What has happened ? Has he …no he may not..has he …oh dear has he ….or not..

Has he started coming home late ?? But why he has started coming home late??…

Is this my fault too…unlike that..unlike the fault that I could not…I am unable…to carry his sperm in my body…

The food is ready now. Yeah I am hungry too but but I can’t eat till Bardan arrives….till Bardan arrives

But that Hug was awesome..that makes me feel woman. Bardan never had feelings and he could not arouse feelings inside me. His touch never makes my spine hot with passion , like that simple hug was which creates passion in me till today.

…………………………………………………

I am married now I should not think about other men now. What if Bardan feels that I am betraying him, where shall I go if he kicks me out from the house. That one who had hug me long time ago is lost somewhere, I think I will not recognize his face now. How shall I conslose him and how shall I consloe my heart and soul that are bounded by the so called marriage with Bardan.

This picture is so cool, I look so young in this one, how Bardan had catched my hand in the weeding day and how I was blushed like never before and how my friends had teased me and how my heart had beated that day, how much had it palpitated.

What about the first night???

This picture is good too where my family is looking so happy. Mom Oh Mom why you have left me …Mom do you remember how naughty was I Mom how I argued with you when I needed to thread my eyebrows for the first time, while I troubled you a lot. Dear mom now you are not with me. Dear mom I am missing you. Dear mom you have told me once that when I will have my own child I will know all these things but mom why why nature didn’t gave me chance to born my own child. Dear Mom why is the reason I am childless. Dear mom …oh dear mom..he beats me mom..dear mom..

Dilasha…why are you not opening the door..Dilasha..are you there …

Yes I am here wait …

Oh ! why you look so pale today, Dilasha…

Well, nothing Bardan.

Dineer is ready, why are you late today…??  I am so hungry today.

Then why you waited me just for the sake of waiting ??  And did you buy those things that I have given you..

Oh the dinner is ready come and eat dear…

Seems like you are going out of mind these days…and why can;t you do anything nicely.

Why Bardan is talking like this, does he knows about that hug, that awesome hug..oh I am feeling passion now…Has he found out that I was thinking of that hug. Has he known that person. Oh dear why Bardan is talking like this.

Give me some dal..Can you hear me?? Give me some dal..

Oh sure wait…

Should I tell the truth that I could not buy anything because of the revolution, because of rallies that made me unable to buy anything..

Should I tell him that he was unable to give me satisfaction..Should I tell him that it is he, who is infertile..

Should I tell him that I want my baby like my grandmom had my mom had me, like Samrita has, like the moms who carry their baby ..in their womb, like they carry them in their lap.

Should I tell him that I want baby…

Why are you awake Dilasha…sleep now…

Turn off the light…

Didn’t you hear me turn off the light.

Can’t you hear me ?… You stupid woman turn off the light now.