Happy Eighth Year~ Coffee House

Happy Eighth Birthday Coffee House!

Happy Eighth Birthday Coffee House!

As, I embark on a new journey~ I wish to take you with me as I have always been clinging on you in my ups and downs, in laughter and cries. Today, you turn 8. Can’t believe that our journey together has crossed eight lovely years! You endure to exist and so do I through you! You have been struggling for the existence I know~ like I do~ like everyone does. Congratulations!! Dear Blog!

You are the room of my own!!! And,  the most important thing you provide me is – “Confidence”- to be myself, to write, to express, to share, to be able to make an opinion, to be able to stand distinct.

It has been a real warm journey with you, through different simulacra. Here, I am in the new world, to start a new journey of life and I am sure – you will keep on providing me confidence~ to work hard more and continue on motivating me to write- which I have not been doing so often. And, continue to become a space~ where I rest myself as a whole! May be, I will need you more, here!

Happy Eighth Birthday Blog~ From Lafayette, Indiana.

-s

The Mountain ~ That’s Mine

I know Mountains~  There is the strong reason behind you standing stagnant for forever and ever!

I know Mountains~There is the strong reason behind you standing stagnant for forever and ever!

Close your eyes and tell me what did you see? 

Black out. I saw nothing. Then I tried it again- something black and dark started to get accumulated around my chest and it took the form of a huge black, dark, gloomy and barren mountain. I have always disliked mountains, I felt like I can never associate myself with mountains. No doubt they are majestic, they are beautiful, they are breath taking too but somehow I can never say I “like” mountain- it doesn’t excite me as much as the rivers ~ that keeps on flowing on and on and on and is not standing stagnant for ages like the mountains.

But something that I saw around my chest was sadly not a flowing river, but it was mountain~ huge mountain and it had no snow, it had no greenery nothing. Never realized that I was carrying a big mountain inside me that is not very happy mountain, it is a sad mountain, it is a serious mountain. For, how long I have been carrying this mountain inside me? How long did it take to reach the huge height that it has now when I realized it is inside me? What are the things that have piled up to make this huge mountain? This is the pile of the fossils of feelings may be. All those feelings that I can personally feel ~ happiness, sadness, despair, anger, anxiety, fear, love, hate and on and on – may be all these things make the mountain.
Continue reading

मुटु Matters

In this mess of the river May be I want to flow Ranting, crying, fighting Just to reach to you! Picture by: Kishor Sharma / Sunkoshi River

In this mess of the river
I wish to flow
Ranting, crying, fighting
Just to reach to you!
Picture by: Kishor Sharma / Sunkoshi River

In the mess of sensation

You forget yourself

When your cheeks were imprinted

With my lipstick stains

Didn’t you forget yourself?

In those arms with warm embrace

You lose yourself

When you were held so tight

Didn’t you completely lose yourself?

In the mess of anguish, stress and pain

You strive to plant hope

Didn’t you want to water it too?

In the mess of life,

You struggle to find those tiny happiness

I dare.

Dear, that’s why I smile ((:

Powerful Silences

Silence  communicates  May be more than the words~~ You heard me ~ didn't you?

Silence
communicates
may be more than the words~~ You heard me ~ didn’t you? Pic by: Niraj / Mumbai, India

 

One day I asked you~Why don’t you call me, text me? You answer~ is that necessary? Then we both laughed~ All we do is remain silent~ just deeply silent that surpasses the voice that needs to heard~because~ I probably don’t know the reason but may be sometimes silences are all that we hear! Especially you and me!

You tell me many times ~ it is through silences~ we talk more~more and more.

It was far away~ the point they met each other in the same color that one could not differentiate them from each other – they were dissolved in each other~ so open! There was the point where sea met the sky. When sky sees finds itself in the sea~ how will it feel? And when all those droplets travel in the form of vapor all the way to reach the sky~how will you feel oh! dear sky? To hold all those droplets and impregnate the clouds and then burst out again to fall in the sea~ how will it feel dear sea ~ to get back yourself that has travelled through the sky? Continue reading

Dear Madhes!!

Dear Madhes,

It is 100th day of shutdown!!! One hundred day in 365 days amounts to some 27.39 %. And for this much time- you have been silently shouting by staying stagnant. Thanks to the Earthquake that had least impact in Terai ( in comparison) and now- how life is out of gear makes it worse than the earthquake, isn’t it? The silent roads ( assumption), the closed schools (reality- from yesterday it opened), the closed factories- what about the daily wage-earning workers? What about you dear Janaki?

I understand- revolution is necessary – if you feel it is not right and if you feel that you need to demand it – then you do have right to demand – it is democracy!!

We don’t know what happens to you- what is really happening to you- but it has continued till one hundred days!!! We have stopped giving headline that whole Madhesh is on strike- well, we did that till 18-19 days. The information that comes here is so minimum that we don’t know what exactly the general people – who are on strike feel or want. We hear the leaders – Gachhadar, Yadav, Thakur- all the time we are assured that “the meeting ended on a positive note”, “today is the decisive meeting” and at the end “the meeting ended inconclusively”.

What happens inside that meeting? Do you know it ? You don’t know! So do we! We don’t know what do they talk- what are they planning!!! We are in the age where information floats in the air – but I am sorry – I can’t distinguish between a reality and/or hyper-reality. I am not sure that if whatever we are told about you is reality or a hyperreality. We move in between reality and hyperreality, right? Continue reading

Inbox (15)

Are you – A Warrior?

Dear Friend,

Power and Strength

And ~ within all of us there is a warrior ~ There is The Bhairav – Photo by Kishor K Sharma ( Thanks a lot )

Like it was never before – have you ever tried to evaluate yourself through your own understanding of your self? By the way – do you totally understand yourself? Is it necessary to understand yourself? Where are your inner demons? How comfortable do you feel while moving with your inner demons? What theory do you use to differentiate in between  the Good and the Bad. After all whom do you call good? And whom will you regard as the Bad.

Have you ever thought about that? About how do you keep on fighting with your little invisible heart -Have you ever imagine how can little heart preserve all those threads that you call “feelings”. And now, you have created a web out of it – entangled and overlapped ~ yes all the feelings. Why don’t it act like the spider web and hold the self?

Hey~ what are your thoughts on Self? Do you realize how far have you traveled? We have always been asked the same question of “Where do you see yourself after five years?” – But let me ask you one question ~ “Where were you before five years?” Have you crawled over the mountains of fear, anxiety and helplessness and reached atop to come back again – to fall again- then to climb again. Continue reading

Not So Best Friend

Published in The Kathmandu Post on Sep 6, 2015

Picture Courtesy: The Kathmandu Post

Picture Courtesy: The Kathmandu Post

You know how difficult it is to live a wounded life and yet tell the world that you are fine, that you are doing okay. You are suffering, still suffering, and yet you hide all of this. This is difficult, this is goddamned difficult.”
You tell her this.
“Learn to give a damn,” she replies, as usual, sucking on a cigarette. Then she blows the smoke out of her mouth and tries to catch a cloud with her hand. “Sometimes, some things are impossible, so learn to give a damn,” she says.
You are confused about whether you are her primary or secondary smoker: you inhale more than half of the cigarette she sucks on as she blows it out into the air, you try to catch each fume like she does.You are not troubled by the smoking, but you don’t dare smoke yourself, because you don’t want her to start thinking badly of you—or maybe you don’t want the world to start thinking badly of you.These thoughts are characterised by confusion, but you don’t care because these thoughts have been in your mind for too long—every time she smokes in front of you. Something in the way she talks amazes you all the time. Sometimes you find yourself in front of a mirror, trying to imitate her gestures: the way she moves her hands and head. And you know you are going to fail, the same way you fail to smoke as well. You say to yourself, “Come on, that is so not you.”What about that perfect image that you have built through all these years, you think to yourself. You are that perfect woman, and how can you let go of that? The thought of it scares you, and you suddenly see yourself in multiple pieces. You have to recollect the puzzle pieces that make you and make yourself perfect again. You have to smile in front of the mirror. But your feet start trembling, you can’t stop. You remember the dark black Americano you had with her.
You think of telling her everything that happened to you with the mirror and the puzzle pieces, so that she can calm you down. But you also know that she will take it easily and a cigarette talk with her will make you completely fine—you need not share it. And you wait for the next time you see her.  You become desperate in the waiting for her to come. You will never tell her how you actually feel—and she will not make you tell her either. She will not ask anything, unless you ask her to ask you anything. Alas, you think, she might never know how you say yourself fall into a myriad of pieces.
You never ask her anything, and she never asks you anything, but you have the feeling that she is curious, that she will go into the depth of everything she really wants to know. You sometimes lie to her and she accepts these lies, but you know she knows you’re lying. This is when she takes you along with her on one of her cigarette breaks, because she wants you to suffer.
“You have to either bear or share,” she seems to say. Continue reading

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