Secret ~ No More #RageAgainstRape

Secret,

That’s how it started

And, was supposed to end.

Subsumed,

Deep in the corners of my heart

Your thumbprints all over my skin

Was supposed to be the “secret”.

You made me the in-charge

Of keeping your deeds over my body a “secret”

Your “secret”. You made it my “secret”

Made me believe that

it would shame me – not you

it would shame my family – not you

it would make me lose everything – not you

Your audacity

On believing that~ I will keep an eternal silence amazes me. 

But, I stand up to break the silence

I always knew it~ It wasn’t my fault

I always knew it~ It wasn’t supposed to be a secret

And, my voice ~  will make you lose everything not me

I stand to display your thumbprints to everyone

One by one,

Everyone will know it

Once~ it is secret no more

it is your shame- not mine

This poem is written for all the survivors of sexual assault and any kind of gender-based violence. And, against all the perpetrators!

 

#metoo #RageAgainstRape @RiseAgainstRape #JusticeforNirmala #Justiceforallrapevictima

 #Speakup #Listentosurvivors #Lovesurvivors

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Ten Years of Blogging~ Happy Birthday Blog

 

 

Happy 10th Birthday Coffee House – pic: google.com

I just finished my preliminary exams for my Ph.D. today and wrote so much but I still have to say you Happy Birthday- Dear Blog!!

Thank you, dear blog…for being there and pushing me where I am today!

Thank you, dear readers and the community back home…whom I am indebted to for believing me that I can write!

Here, I am … I have been writing for the past ten years!

With love,

s

Finding the Inner Compass

Lost? Maybe? 

I had promised her that I will write her an email and I haven’t even started that email. It has been nearly two years. I want to tell her everything. But I took many steps back. Stopped writing – blog, poem, letters, sending cards, pictures, text, chat!

Resettling could be hard~ could be worse~ could be fun~ could be anything and mostly could be something that you are unable to communicate. Maybe because you are still waiting to find that inner compass that led you somewhere initially. And, now it is lost? Maybe?

How could I tell, I have been losing and finding, finding and losing the inner compass? 

I think I haven’t completely lost it but have been doing this back and forth, on and off. But there are so many things to keep track of ~ and the inner compass gets buried deep down in dark and eventually, you forget where it is.

I couldn’t write an email to her! Couldn’t share that I have been trying to find something that is lost inside me and searching elsewhere and everywhere outside me.

One thought in my head says: maybe she could have helped, maybe she could have suggested, maybe she could have guided as she always does. But, I had decided not to talk to anyone including myself.

Silence!

There was an urge to have this silence. I couldn’t even go back to the meditation days, where I could put myself down into hours of meditation and then heal myself.

This time~ healing was far far away because I was letting myself suffer – don’t know if it was the pain, irritation or a complete apathetic moment for me ~ I wasn’t healing because I didn’t want to heal. Just like I didn’t want to email her. 

But, now I think it is that moment~ to find ~ to search ~ to achieve the inner compass again! And, gear up on writing her with the truth of how lost I was…and how eager I am to find my inner compass

It has been long!

Calm~~Can we be anxiety free ever? Maybe not! 

In between

A surreal memory of Fall Walk… Pic: By Me (: 

a night you struggle to sleep,

it is not pain, it is suffering.

last remaining autumn day struggles to remain still

all those fallen leaves and bare trees,

reveal–time has come~ serene autumn days should go,

should fly away in a blink

such that when you wake up one random morning

autumn is suddenly gone

and, flying snow will flutter around

 inevitable…i know! we know!

 something we are taught and prepared for

“inevitable”

or…in between pain and suffering, may be

an en route to you yourself and the “you” you want to be

is it a suffering?

but new “you” will come always in between you and yourself,

*inevitable*,

And, truth is something in between

 

 

*Footnote to self*: But suffering could be transformed into an energy to continue the journey between you and yourself (:, embrace 2018 (: 

Fairfax, VA, 12.28.2017

and, you think we are equal

And, you think you and I are equal (Pic: Derek Sherman at Celery Bog)

I thought God created us equal,

With bodies and biological realities,

With desires and sentiments,

With hunger and pain,

With senses and sensibilities,

Until the day I knew

We had a hierarchy!

Based on the languages we speak.

Based on yours and mine English

And, we both used it to talk about God and Truth

I couldn’t even pronounce God, you said correcting my pronunciation

And, said My God, and your God is same,

But you forgot to highlight the differences,

With clouds of hypocrisies over your head,

And, you corrected my English~ so that I could talk like you

So that I could speak like you

So that I could learn your voice

To replace mine, to forget mine!

And, yet you talked about God,

And, how humans are equal,

and, you think you and I are equal…

 

On your 9th Year ~Coffee House

Happy Birthday Coffee House! ( Cartoon character Moomin in the cake) Pic: Google

Dear Coffee House,

This has been a quite journey! I can’t believe it has been 9 years that I have with you. As you and I both grow together~we have faced so many things, from pride and sense of achievement to emotional breakdown! This year, I am using Moomin Themed Birthday post. I love this cartoon by Tove Jansson  because they are deeply philosophical and teach us about life and how to be happy in the simple and small things. 

Having said that, each year I complain I can’t write, I am not being able to write or I just don’t have time to write! But you have existed in all these emotional tantrums of mine because you know how much passionate I am about writing, reading! 

I have devalue myself~ I say to people I don’t have any hobby, I can’t perform any DIY, sing, dance, paint, crochet, and so on~but I never tell that I can write! I never tell them and to myself that poetry flows in me, never tell anyone that I am creating a fiction in my head with the striking conversation that I am having with them! And, never acknowledge myself as a writer because I seek validity from outside and what I have never done is validate myself as a writer, as a poet! 
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