Screw New~ I want my Old me!!

Pic: Google.com

My Ama said: You seem to have lost all your confidence~ you were very different when you were young~

I think this sentence at the end of this year, is changing my whole perspective on life. Screw new me, thin me, better me, I want myself back, the old me, the courageous dreamy ambitious energetic and happy and confident me.

Often times, I have been so much busy judging my past life and experiences as well as struggles and trying to focus on the present in the hope of a good future that I think, I have stopped listening to inner-most self and my own inner voice that led me to become who I am today.

When Ama told me that, I tried becoming defensive and told her- all graduate students are like this, we are depressed and we have imposter syndrome. Years back, I didn’t have that or if I had, it was very less. I am someone who battled my way into some really awesome work in Nepal, among toxic people, toxic environment, and moreover really difficult personal life.

But, wasn’t Grad school above everything for me? It was something for which I left my decade-long career, my identity, lifestyle, everything behind~ it was and is still my passion. But why did it cost me my confidence? Why my well-being?

I think this is because I don’t know how to do Grad-school. This is because my research on grad-school and imaginary things presented on the fancy websites and happy faces of the students weren’t enough. This is because I am a first-gen Graduate student in my family of four and my mentors back home had overconfidence in me I think things would be easier for me.

Grad school can be fun! And, I think these two and half years have been the best phase of my life in terms of the things I always wanted to do: study and write and teach.

Years back during my teenage days, Ama and I would talk and dream of a life full of books, writing, and teaching. And, right now, I am living our dream and she is so true, I might have lost some of the confidence because I believe in others more than myself. I have been harsh to myself, I have been pressurizing myself like crazy as my BFF says and thus, I have suppressed who I am to become the idealized me and it has cost me to lose my confidence.

So, screw that idealized me! I want myself to be back~

12.28.2018

Fairfax, VA

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Secret ~ No More #RageAgainstRape

Secret,

That’s how it started

And, was supposed to end.

Subsumed,

Deep in the corners of my heart

Your thumbprints all over my skin

Was supposed to be the “secret”.

You made me the in-charge

Of keeping your deeds over my body a “secret”

Your “secret”. You made it my “secret”

Made me believe that

it would shame me – not you

it would shame my family – not you

it would make me lose everything – not you

Your audacity

On believing that~ I will keep an eternal silence amazes me. 

But, I stand up to break the silence

I always knew it~ It wasn’t my fault

I always knew it~ It wasn’t supposed to be a secret

And, my voice ~  will make you lose everything not me

I stand to display your thumbprints to everyone

One by one,

Everyone will know it

Once~ it is secret no more

it is your shame- not mine

This poem is written for all the survivors of sexual assault and any kind of gender-based violence. And, against all the perpetrators!

 

#metoo #RageAgainstRape @RiseAgainstRape #JusticeforNirmala #Justiceforallrapevictima

 #Speakup #Listentosurvivors #Lovesurvivors

Ten Years of Blogging~ Happy Birthday Blog

 

 

Happy 10th Birthday Coffee House – pic: google.com

I just finished my preliminary exams for my Ph.D. today and wrote so much but I still have to say you Happy Birthday- Dear Blog!!

Thank you, dear blog…for being there and pushing me where I am today!

Thank you, dear readers and the community back home…whom I am indebted to for believing me that I can write!

Here, I am … I have been writing for the past ten years!

With love,

s

Finding the Inner Compass

Lost? Maybe? 

I had promised her that I will write her an email and I haven’t even started that email. It has been nearly two years. I want to tell her everything. But I took many steps back. Stopped writing – blog, poem, letters, sending cards, pictures, text, chat!

Resettling could be hard~ could be worse~ could be fun~ could be anything and mostly could be something that you are unable to communicate. Maybe because you are still waiting to find that inner compass that led you somewhere initially. And, now it is lost? Maybe?

How could I tell, I have been losing and finding, finding and losing the inner compass? 

I think I haven’t completely lost it but have been doing this back and forth, on and off. But there are so many things to keep track of ~ and the inner compass gets buried deep down in dark and eventually, you forget where it is.

I couldn’t write an email to her! Couldn’t share that I have been trying to find something that is lost inside me and searching elsewhere and everywhere outside me.

One thought in my head says: maybe she could have helped, maybe she could have suggested, maybe she could have guided as she always does. But, I had decided not to talk to anyone including myself.

Silence!

There was an urge to have this silence. I couldn’t even go back to the meditation days, where I could put myself down into hours of meditation and then heal myself.

This time~ healing was far far away because I was letting myself suffer – don’t know if it was the pain, irritation or a complete apathetic moment for me ~ I wasn’t healing because I didn’t want to heal. Just like I didn’t want to email her. 

But, now I think it is that moment~ to find ~ to search ~ to achieve the inner compass again! And, gear up on writing her with the truth of how lost I was…and how eager I am to find my inner compass

It has been long!

Calm~~Can we be anxiety free ever? Maybe not! 

In between

A surreal memory of Fall Walk… Pic: By Me (: 

a night you struggle to sleep,

it is not pain, it is suffering.

last remaining autumn day struggles to remain still

all those fallen leaves and bare trees,

reveal–time has come~ serene autumn days should go,

should fly away in a blink

such that when you wake up one random morning

autumn is suddenly gone

and, flying snow will flutter around

 inevitable…i know! we know!

 something we are taught and prepared for

“inevitable”

or…in between pain and suffering, may be

an en route to you yourself and the “you” you want to be

is it a suffering?

but new “you” will come always in between you and yourself,

*inevitable*,

And, truth is something in between

 

 

*Footnote to self*: But suffering could be transformed into an energy to continue the journey between you and yourself (:, embrace 2018 (: 

Fairfax, VA, 12.28.2017

and, you think we are equal

And, you think you and I are equal (Pic: Derek Sherman at Celery Bog)

I thought God created us equal,

With bodies and biological realities,

With desires and sentiments,

With hunger and pain,

With senses and sensibilities,

Until the day I knew

We had a hierarchy!

Based on the languages we speak.

Based on yours and mine English

And, we both used it to talk about God and Truth

I couldn’t even pronounce God, you said correcting my pronunciation

And, said My God, and your God is same,

But you forgot to highlight the differences,

With clouds of hypocrisies over your head,

And, you corrected my English~ so that I could talk like you

So that I could speak like you

So that I could learn your voice

To replace mine, to forget mine!

And, yet you talked about God,

And, how humans are equal,

and, you think you and I are equal…