Ten Years of Blogging~ Happy Birthday Blog

 

 

Happy 10th Birthday Coffee House – pic: google.com

I just finished my preliminary exams for my Ph.D. today and wrote so much but I still have to say you Happy Birthday- Dear Blog!!

Thank you, dear blog…for being there and pushing me where I am today!

Thank you, dear readers and the community back home…whom I am indebted to for believing me that I can write!

Here, I am … I have been writing for the past ten years!

With love,

s

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Finding the Inner Compass

Lost? Maybe? 

I had promised her that I will write her an email and I haven’t even started that email. It has been nearly two years. I want to tell her everything. But I took many steps back. Stopped writing – blog, poem, letters, sending cards, pictures, text, chat!

Resettling could be hard~ could be worse~ could be fun~ could be anything and mostly could be something that you are unable to communicate. Maybe because you are still waiting to find that inner compass that led you somewhere initially. And, now it is lost? Maybe?

How could I tell, I have been losing and finding, finding and losing the inner compass? 

I think I haven’t completely lost it but have been doing this back and forth, on and off. But there are so many things to keep track of ~ and the inner compass gets buried deep down in dark and eventually, you forget where it is.

I couldn’t write an email to her! Couldn’t share that I have been trying to find something that is lost inside me and searching elsewhere and everywhere outside me.

One thought in my head says: maybe she could have helped, maybe she could have suggested, maybe she could have guided as she always does. But, I had decided not to talk to anyone including myself.

Silence!

There was an urge to have this silence. I couldn’t even go back to the meditation days, where I could put myself down into hours of meditation and then heal myself.

This time~ healing was far far away because I was letting myself suffer – don’t know if it was the pain, irritation or a complete apathetic moment for me ~ I wasn’t healing because I didn’t want to heal. Just like I didn’t want to email her. 

But, now I think it is that moment~ to find ~ to search ~ to achieve the inner compass again! And, gear up on writing her with the truth of how lost I was…and how eager I am to find my inner compass

It has been long!

Calm~~Can we be anxiety free ever? Maybe not! 

In between

A surreal memory of Fall Walk… Pic: By Me (: 

a night you struggle to sleep,

it is not pain, it is suffering.

last remaining autumn day struggles to remain still

all those fallen leaves and bare trees,

reveal–time has come~ serene autumn days should go,

should fly away in a blink

such that when you wake up one random morning

autumn is suddenly gone

and, flying snow will flutter around

 inevitable…i know! we know!

 something we are taught and prepared for

“inevitable”

or…in between pain and suffering, may be

an en route to you yourself and the “you” you want to be

is it a suffering?

but new “you” will come always in between you and yourself,

*inevitable*,

And, truth is something in between

 

 

*Footnote to self*: But suffering could be transformed into an energy to continue the journey between you and yourself (:, embrace 2018 (: 

Fairfax, VA, 12.28.2017

and, you think we are equal

And, you think you and I are equal (Pic: Derek Sherman at Celery Bog)

I thought God created us equal,

With bodies and biological realities,

With desires and sentiments,

With hunger and pain,

With senses and sensibilities,

Until the day I knew

We had a hierarchy!

Based on the languages we speak.

Based on yours and mine English

And, we both used it to talk about God and Truth

I couldn’t even pronounce God, you said correcting my pronunciation

And, said My God, and your God is same,

But you forgot to highlight the differences,

With clouds of hypocrisies over your head,

And, you corrected my English~ so that I could talk like you

So that I could speak like you

So that I could learn your voice

To replace mine, to forget mine!

And, yet you talked about God,

And, how humans are equal,

and, you think you and I are equal…

 

On your 9th Year ~Coffee House

Happy Birthday Coffee House! ( Cartoon character Moomin in the cake) Pic: Google

Dear Coffee House,

This has been a quite journey! I can’t believe it has been 9 years that I have with you. As you and I both grow together~we have faced so many things, from pride and sense of achievement to emotional breakdown! This year, I am using Moomin Themed Birthday post. I love this cartoon by Tove Jansson  because they are deeply philosophical and teach us about life and how to be happy in the simple and small things. 

Having said that, each year I complain I can’t write, I am not being able to write or I just don’t have time to write! But you have existed in all these emotional tantrums of mine because you know how much passionate I am about writing, reading! 

I have devalue myself~ I say to people I don’t have any hobby, I can’t perform any DIY, sing, dance, paint, crochet, and so on~but I never tell that I can write! I never tell them and to myself that poetry flows in me, never tell anyone that I am creating a fiction in my head with the striking conversation that I am having with them! And, never acknowledge myself as a writer because I seek validity from outside and what I have never done is validate myself as a writer, as a poet! 
Continue reading

Kathmandu, without you…

The fall of Jacaranda flowers on the ground  that takes my breath away~~ Picture by: Kishor Sharma/ 2014

A love song for a city drenched in election fever (Published in The Kathmandu Post on May 13, 2017) 

After turning pink with the touch of spring, you must have changed to purple now. Your colours always take my breath, even when I am just thinking about you, as I am doing now. I scroll through all the moments that I have captured and I smile with moist eyes realising how life is different…without you.

When you let me go, did you also feel the same pain that I did while departing? Kathmandu, do you miss my tiny feet tapping the dust from the streets? Or the wheels of my scooter traversing your every corner? Lafayette, you know is huge. It is lovely but my heart yearns for your air, your warmth, your sweet touch, your smell. Missing you is a bittersweet feeling but it is something new. I had to travel 7700 miles to know what it meant.

I imagine the Sun being welcomed with water pouring down from an orange brass Kalash. Then an oil lamp guides the Sun that is peeking through the tiny clouds and sweet smell of incense. Colourful flowers decorate the pathway and melody of bells rings in a new dawn. The sun is here and it’s time to wake up, dear Kathmandu.

Kathmandu, when you wake up and wash your face with the shimmering rain and see your glowing face, you know you are beautiful.  The Jacaranda trees, unable to contain its blossoms, clothe you in a purple attire. Every April, through May, I lapped up every glimpse of you in your Jacaranda bloom, just like Parijat had done so long ago.

And, Kathmandu—as the evening seeps into the night—again with the oil lamp, incense sticks and ringing bells, the sun will slip away behind the clouds. But the Moon rises with its muted rays. The Jacaranda flowers, meanwhile, will continue to bloom and fall to the ground, now in company of buoyant fireflies.

Kathmandu, sometimes I wonder, which do you truly prefer? Your Jacaranda bloom or your peach blossom? Even if the both the colours are your own and paint the lives of those that call you home. Continue reading