Mokshya (मोक्ष)

Death

Comes and takes away

Soul so precious

Body so cold

Lifeless

Burns into ashes

Eyes so weary

Water rolls down the cheeks

So salty!

Death

Departure indeed

Frown everyone seems

Existence

vanishes with ashes

Death has just rubbed it away

Good Bye

Dead one

Shall never meet again

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Of many things…

Of many things….I wish….one is that I want to live my fullest….whether I have to die….anytime…but I want to live my life fullest….I don’t want to die …..I mean I don’t want to take my life…..this one life…..

I want to grow old…mature…want to see the world so beautiful…..I want to see my face wrinkled ……my hair going grey….

I want to see my grandchildren…a little sweta out of me….my offspring…..

I want to be like my grandparents….my mom…..my dad….I want to grow old…..and watch beautiful world Continue reading

Death be not proud !!!

Title is adapted from John Donne’s sonnet ” Death Be not Proud“.

Death is a mystery….

Well, I have not encountered death…To meet him/her I need to die once…Do I want to die ?  This time…No , of course I am scared of death…Why John Donne wrote that poem asking death not to be proud…? Why not Death should be proud ? It has got power. It takes life away…We battle a lot…we are battling till now…each day..everyday…and in the end…we lose…every time…every time…and every time….We lose in each battle… Continue reading

Nec-Romancer-II

Here is the assumed talks with other two dead ones-:

Sweta-: Reema ( Name changed) dear reema last time I went your home on your six month anniversary and it was so hurting, the feast was very big and your big smiling potrait was making me hurt. The day after your death I was there at your home. Your dress which you have wore when you killed yourself. You know dear , I have not cried like this in anyone’s death or ever because I was hurt so much because of your death and moreover when I came to know the fact that you have suicided. Dearie why there was the need to suicide, just because the Chemistry exam that you thought that you could not pass. I regret for not calling you when my brother had the NIST question that were supposed the leaked questions. If I had called you once then, then I think you would not have suicided because of the fear of passing the exam. I regret and regret a lot dearie. I have faced your death with my eyes the cloth you have used to tie your tender neck with and the celing on which you hunged yourself. The haunting memories of yours though I have not talked with you and never met you as a person but I remeber the funniest sms you have send me. Dearie I miss you a lot tell me why tell me what was the reason for your suicide….

Reema-: I want to live. A mistake took my life away dijju, I want my body to be back, I want my family to be back. I regret a lot a lot for killing myself. I don’t know anything why the thought came to my mind , I don’t know why I committed a sin. That night we have laughed a lot, eating my favourite Gundruk in our new kitchen, but when I started studying then I felt I don’t remember anything , the chemical reactions, the notes anything and it frustrated me a lot. Then I thought the thing I have told to mom last night that I will drop my paper and how mom had consoled me I can’t do that. I remembered my SLC % it was distinction , being a distinction holder in SLC I could not just fail the exam. My reputation , my aim and everything would just fade away. I thought then what should I do. I stopped studying and went to bed. But could not sleep, my eyes vacant staring the celing and the feeling came to my mind that I must die and inorder to escape from the reality. Reality would bite if I fail, what a shame would it be to my dad and mom. Then I thought of hanging myself and within few minutes I hunged myself without thinking anything and anything not even not thinking of the small sister who was sleeping beside me. I regret and I feel sorry for kiling myself and I feel so bad about the loss of my biological existence because I want to live. I regret of suiciding and I would never want anyother to suicide like me. Life’s too precious, however I have been the victim of the society and the social status..and I feel hurt  every moment I feel this. A tag of suicider in my name. I feel bad so bad…

Sweta-: Would not I feel pang dearie…I wish I could spell a magic and make you alive but your biological body is burnt and has already turned into ashes…I wish I could ..I could give you life …that you want to live. I wish…i adrently wish…..

P.S. -: Now I can’t talk with another one…whom I have mentioned in earlier blog…I just cant….it is hurting me..making me feel the immense pain becasue of death.

Nec- Romancer- I

(This is fictional one, I am writing this because I have faced this and also now I am writing a research paper in suicide that is why I am here trying to write about suicide..and talks with the one who have suicided and those died in front of me. The things which are real are informed in parentheisis that these are not fictional)

1. Ravi Dada.. ( My brother who died due to kidney faliure )                  

2. Sarina …( Name changed, whose death cause is unknown, either it was suicide or drug overdose.)

3. Reema …( Name changed , my friend’s sister who suicided )

4. Sandesh Dada ..( My broher’s Mit who died because of drug overdose )

I am writing this fictionally trying to be a nec romancer, the one who talks with the dead ones. This writing is truly imaginative and it belongs to my own thoughts and aspirations. So here are the talks that I am thinking that I will talk with them and the answers I assume that I will get. So this is my own monoply nothing related to any ones life.

Sweta -: Ravi dada, I am Sweta remember ? Your Sano Mama’s daughter. How have you been, its been nearly 5 years. I am sorry I couldn’t visit you when you were in death bed but my mom was there remember that ? My mother had told me how were you talking about and how have you catched your mother’s hand that you didn’t wanted to leave this world? How it feels like leaving the beautiful world that you have spent many years. I feel that dada, how it had been difficult for you to leave, but the reality we need to leave this world like a debt being paid.

Ravi Dada -: Yeah, Sweta I am fine here but the nostalagic image haunts me day an night. I have the soul of mine but don’t have the biological existence called body. I am together with you all in the memories and that is my biological structure but the soul nobody has seen yet and that soul is me. I too miss so many things that I couldn’t do such as marriage ( not fictional ). You know how I wanted to marry and you dad was the one to console me. I feel goodand thankful to your dad, a girls life would have been ruined because her husband’s death was fixed.

……………………………….

Sweta -: Sarina ( name changed ) , tell me dear friend how were you dead. The cause of your death is not known to anyone dearie. Ambir told me that you died in India, due to drug overdose or you have suicided ? You have married too and that sounded cool but your death news made me cried on the very spot.  Your sweet smiling face haunted me at night to, the low-peej rings that you wore. What the hell is this?, I thought and wanted to meet you desperately, knowing that I can never meet you dear friend. Tell me about you.

Sarina -: Yeah, I have married ( not fictional ) , to a over-aged guy who took me to India and then I was so much frustrated. My drug passion didn’t let me do anything and my husband made me frustrate more and more. You know that I was motherless and a Christian ( not fictional ). I did a big mistake by marrying him and that is why my frustration became more and more and I began to use drug even more than before and one day I thought , it would be better that I kill myself then I thought about the baby that was growing within me. I thought this baby too didn’t have any future and thats why I tried to suicide and it became successful – I died and I don’t have any regrets of leaving the world so much creul. I hated my biological existence and that is why I have no regrets of being dead.

……………………………

(The other two conversation would be either updated or be posted in next post )

Dead but Not Defeated

I remember the words told by my teacher while teaching us Ernest Hemingway’s The Old Man and Sea, “A man can die but cannot be defeated”.  Reviving these words today in this blog.

Yesterday I wrote about killing this blog because this blog was suffocating or the writer was. Confusing. I have forgotten that tommorrow is Jan 1st what the hell is it, 2008 is ending so fast and I am here with no plans unlike last year I was busy with whom?? I was busy with my stupid work. Wondering about where were my friends and I am thinking right now where are my friends this year too. Where is my plan nothing yet not even their is time for me to make the new resolution . ( I am thinking I should again find out the list that I had made last year and trying to follow this this year too )

No I am not trying to get frustrated or getting out of being frustrated.

So, I was talking about old man who sailed on a ship who wanted to kill the biggest fish. I don’t want to kill the biggest fish because I want satisfaction and I can be satisfied with tthe smallest fish. Hey I am vegetarian , but another anology.

I can die but I cannot be defeted. This blog can die but the words here are eternal and this blog can never be defeated not even the creator can defeat this. I am not challenging the creator which I can never do. I am sorry creator….I am trying to be like you which I am trying….still knowing the fact that I can never compete and can never be like you.

But still I can die creator but can never be defeated,,,,,You can never defeat me..

This blog will not suicide..but it shall revive again and the revival post will be posted tommorrow..

Still I have no any such plans to do this and that but I am making resolution thats for sure..no any blast in the new year a small feeling a small feeling and elaborate that I can die but I can never be defeated.. 

Happy New Year eve…

“Reality Bites” at Gurukul

Contemplated !!!

I am feeling overwhelmed over the reality exposed there at Gurukul of Mithila, Janakpur in the form of a play “Woh Khali Muh dekhi che “where the “Dowry” has its roots deeply rooted in the society. No education too couldnot do anything, what can be done then. I am really contemplated. Few months back there was a news of a woman brutually brunt to death and the problem was dowry. Upto when female shall suffer…Being borned as female is a question now ?

The story is simple but it has exposed the harsh reality and exposed the real face of the society of Mithila, Janakpur. The play is simple about a family who has a daughter,Sita’s father Krishna decides to educate her and she gets the good education too. However a girl needs to get marry, and to marry huge amount of dowry is needed which the family cannot bear. This unbearable amount to be paid and to buy a husband for the daughter makes the father’s mind evil. So, when the daughter comes home saying she is bitten by an snake, father denies to look after her because he wants her to die and it is known by him only. Eventually she dies and play ends in a tragedy.

The human mind exposed in the drama is awesome. The character played by Sita’s father is beautifully potrayed. The emotions and feelings of the actors in the play not only the situation of tearfullness but also at the situation of happiness all are so much beautifully done. All the characters are acted so well that the whole play becomes such an beautiful piece of art. I cried at many times with the actors. The mental breakdown scene of the father is so awesome that I am overwhelmed.

The play thus became one of the best play I have ever seen because of the intensity of the emotions and feelings, the human mind, psychological aspect and condition when the problem related to money comes. The plot, characterisation, cultural potraits, customes,space and time management, human predicament, human sorrows, social parody, everything makes the play such a beautiful piece of art. The play is awesome.

Now, a small commentary over the social malpractices. I question to myself being Sita, Is being borned as a daughter such an sinful act ? Are we educated at last for getting married to a rich guy and then live in the domination forever. How many Sitas die every year, how many Sitas are exploiated as such, how many father loses his conscience as Sitas father, how many Sitas suffer like this.

The play urges for ending such malpractices in the society, so that so many like Sita can live life to the fullest, so that so many houses would not ruin as Sitas and so many father will not feel their daughter as a burden.

Awesome tragedy, it melted my heart. It was nice to see such an wonderful representation of human predicament. The real real reality of our country, our Sitas. Reality certainly bites. I felt a pang in my heart and I felt contemplated to the extent.

P.S. Reality Bites !!!!