Finding the Inner Compass

Lost? Maybe? 

I had promised her that I will write her an email and I haven’t even started that email. It has been nearly two years. I want to tell her everything. But I took many steps back. Stopped writing – blog, poem, letters, sending cards, pictures, text, chat!

Resettling could be hard~ could be worse~ could be fun~ could be anything and mostly could be something that you are unable to communicate. Maybe because you are still waiting to find that inner compass that led you somewhere initially. And, now it is lost? Maybe?

How could I tell, I have been losing and finding, finding and losing the inner compass? 

I think I haven’t completely lost it but have been doing this back and forth, on and off. But there are so many things to keep track of ~ and the inner compass gets buried deep down in dark and eventually, you forget where it is.

I couldn’t write an email to her! Couldn’t share that I have been trying to find something that is lost inside me and searching elsewhere and everywhere outside me.

One thought in my head says: maybe she could have helped, maybe she could have suggested, maybe she could have guided as she always does. But, I had decided not to talk to anyone including myself.

Silence!

There was an urge to have this silence. I couldn’t even go back to the meditation days, where I could put myself down into hours of meditation and then heal myself.

This time~ healing was far far away because I was letting myself suffer – don’t know if it was the pain, irritation or a complete apathetic moment for me ~ I wasn’t healing because I didn’t want to heal. Just like I didn’t want to email her. 

But, now I think it is that moment~ to find ~ to search ~ to achieve the inner compass again! And, gear up on writing her with the truth of how lost I was…and how eager I am to find my inner compass

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To you,

Did Caterpillar ever know it will transgress into a Colorful Butterfly? When shall my caterpillar life end? When shall I be a fluttering colorful butterfly ? Or for me there is no any chance to be a butterfly? For how long will I be limited to this caterpillarness of mine? I am scared..I fear that I would be bound to live in this monotony. But I fear “change” as well. I fear change because I am habituated to this stagnant state of mine. Immovability or desired -wished or destined immovability? Confusion!

Back and forth, Back and Forth–Past and Present and Future -in which state– do I belong? I along with my lazy and hazy caterpillarness live inside this “Laxman Rekha” of the present. But am I bound by this Laxman Rekha line? Life will not be interesting– Wouldn’t the story of Ramayan be stagnant hadn’t Sita not defied the Laxman Rekha and went beyond? I transgress these boundaries, I go beyond this Laxman Rekha–

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Without addressing you.. like I always did,

Far away the moonless sky stares like it had done yesterday, like it did today and will do it tomorrow. I turn my back to you sky. But is your presence ignored by my turning back to you?

How long can one lead and live in disorientation without dreaming the beautiful dreams of life? For how long can one live in just expectation? At a time when all the expectation doors are closed?

How long can one hold oneself upright, feeling and trying and then feeling fine? Like an army command, –how long can “mind” direct “heart” presenting do ‘s and don’ ts ? You have everything when you have nothing. Could this in reality be possible? Not at all. Not at all. Can truth be opposite ~ You have nothing when you have everything.

Sometimes illusions are like ice creams, you lick it and it keeps on melting. You don’t give a chance to melt but it melts and the melting you taste. Illusions do melt. They give charm like ice cream. But as you lick it it starts melting till you finish it.

Same road I crawl upon everyday while going to everywhere. No change at all. My address is fixed but is destination fixed? Why not? Why not? Why not one is bound to go a fixed place? Why there are choices? Why there are compromises? Why the hell is one bound to live in compromises?

On a hot summer day, sweat is bound to flow away. On a rainy day, rain drops wash away. On a dry day, wind blow blows away. On a wintery day, what? Warm arms kick the chill away.

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Sathi ..

But I still wait for you to reply without even knowing whether you have been receiving or not receiving those previous mails. So many things make me fused up, things are not as they used to be, people are not as they used to be, change is inevitable my dear but something underneath is changeless: the desperate wait for your reply. I have been waiting, I will be waiting.

I am so inexpressive these days~ Just stuck up somewhere beneath. Feelings boil like water in a kettle, waiting to come outside, but the lid  is so tight. I boil myself inside. Writing to you relieves me. Feels like I am talking with you~feels like you are hearing me and with your typical smile responding to my stupidity.

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The sun it rises and it sets

In my prison all is dark !(Lower Depths, Maxim Gorky)

Dear Friend,

It has been long that I wrote you. Most of time mood swings and while I try to write something to you, I end up doing something else. The post Beijing days have been really very hard because all the things are bumping like never before. I have been restless. Totally restless. I have lost myself to many extents these days. But what kind of busy I am, I really don’t know.

Without you all life is solitary…and I have started living with this Pipe Dream. It is really very fantastic to live with pipe dream. I get relieved.

You know leading a solitary life is so hard but so obvious; there is no other way at all. I am so used to doing things alone and yes without you and without your involvement in everything.

Its Beijing…

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I am so excited to share this to you my dear. I am in Beijing now :). My first ever travel outside the rectangular box. My first travel in aeroplane since the wright brothers invented it. I have been excited since the time I heard that I was being send to Beijing. I am so in love with Beijing.

I wanted to share this happiness to you my dear friend. But I wonder would you be interested in listening my rantings and musings?

I was so close to stars in the sky, while I looked outside the window of the aeroplane…It was majestic indeed.

Dear, China is really wonderful. More wonderful is Beijing. And when I speak my broken Chinese with the Chinese people, they smile a lot.

Big buildings, electric scooters, cars, people… and one thing it touched me most is the couples here. Every guy carries the hand bag of his girl. This is so lovely. It is so common here in Beijing that the lover boy carries hand bag of his girl without shame, which is so rare in Nepal.

It is raining here in Beijing. Rain always reminds me of him. You know how much I had loved him. You know he told me once…”Beijing Rocks”.. like what he had said.. Beijing really rocks.

I really don’t want to go back to my home, same old routine. I want a change in life like this. Changes are so lovely. I really don’t miss anything except my friends and you especially.

But, I am here with the confirmation of my departure date in my hand. We all are here in the world with the confirmation of departure date. Beijing has its set departure date for me.

I want to say.. I will be back soon..let me stay here 21 more days… I love you Beijing.. I love you a lot. I wish I could give you a big hug and kiss you to say how much I love you.

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Dear Friend,

“If we were things born/ Not to shed a tear” – P.B. Shelly

You must have already guessed why I started this mail with the above words. Yes dear I am tearful today. I am happy but I am sad equally. I am sad because my happiness is not reaching to you by any means. I am sad because my happiness remains locked inside me. It will not open unless you come with the unlocking keys of your happiness. Dear friend, I was just thinking like the above lines of Shelly, if we were things born–not to shed a tear…then there would be all happiness only. But then if you are not here with whom I can share all these happiness then what I will do if I can’t cry, I will die of emotional crisis 🙂 . Well, I will not die without meeting you giving you these letters, or if I die so early then this blog shall preserve these letters. I hope you will log in someday and read these letters. I know this is just another stupid act, but I feel connected to you while I write you.

Dear friend, sand of this life is moving downwards….Aren’t we meeting in this life? Why are you playing hide and seek with me? We are grown ups come on. Why are you so away like a far away star? I can see you.. I can feel you.. but I can never reach you; something forbids me- distance, communication and moreover your unwillingness. I live with this hope, pipe dream that you will come back again and we will have life just like we used to have. Life is practical, I know dear. This is my stupidity that I live with this pipe dream. Life without a true friend is like hell.

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Dear friend,

Miracles do happen sometimes. It was a miracle indeed that we met and we became friends. You are so very far away from me today dear friend and so many things have happened in your absence. I am wearing spectacles now, I pierced my ear, I have gained weight again and I love coffee even more.

I look out of the window and try to feel the air outside, you are inhaling same air my friend and the sky above us is also same. Yet again you are so far away and so very contact-less. I don’t know where are you now, what are you doing now, what are you thinking now and m I have many other Wh-questions but just like these questions I have a lot to share to you about me. Gone are the days when I used to have you beside me