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The sun it rises and it sets

In my prison all is dark !(Lower Depths, Maxim Gorky)

Dear Friend,

It has been long that I wrote you. Most of time mood swings and while I try to write something to you, I end up doing something else. The post Beijing days have been really very hard because all the things are bumping like never before. I have been restless. Totally restless. I have lost myself to many extents these days. But what kind of busy I am, I really don’t know.

Without you all life is solitary…and I have started living with this Pipe Dream. It is really very fantastic to live with pipe dream. I get relieved.

You know leading a solitary life is so hard but so obvious; there is no other way at all. I am so used to doing things alone and yes without you and without your involvement in everything. Every thing concrete is so relative, nothing is absolute, Plato is so right. Things keep on changing and so does the reality. Reality you have perceived is so different from the reality that I have uploaded in my heart. I was alone, every moment in Beijing but it was for a month only. But after coming here, the same loneliness has gripped me yet again. Alone in my own land. I ride alone, thinking so many things and this has been a habit. I go to restaurant and eat alone which was never my character because for me friends must be there to enjoy food- I am bound to enjoy for the stomach’s sake. I go to shopping alone, I chose dress for myself alone and sometimes I look so funny in those- and I never wear them again.

It has been a routine dear, to go every where alone, to work alone at a strange office, to talk with people so unknown and to come back alone in a lone house which is so silent. While in solitude, I think a lot. Thinking has been another hobby. But I feel it is filthy because I know I am just passing time by thinking. I think about so many things, so many people and so many places. Talking with self has been another part of life. The thinking I have mentioned above is my self-talking. The house remains silent all the time and in gtalk you are always absent, I don’t trust many and those closest one I trust are very busy-I should not disturb them. You know responsibility is such a huge thing. I have learned to be responsible. Paying bills of everything – water, waste, telephone, internet, electricity, insurance, petrol and many more is burden. You have to pay “fine” if not paid on time.

I sometimes feel like my mom, sometimes like Dad, sometimes like a receptionist, sometimes like a taxi, sometimes like a tailor. Me..I am lost in the dual or multiple identities of myself. I am confused; each new responsibility creates a separate identity for me.

Dear, losing identity is so much painful. You know what more painful is ? It is your absence my dear. Your absence my dear friend.

 

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5 Responses

  1. “I sometimes feel like my mom, sometimes like Dad, sometimes like a receptionist, sometimes like a taxi, sometimes like a tailor. Me..I am lost in the dual or multiple identities of myself. I am confused; each new responsibility creates a separate identity for me.
    Dear, losing identity is so much painful. You know what more painful is ? It is your absence my dear. Your absence my dear friend.”

    Cheers dear! 🙂

  2. You have to pay “fine” if not paid on time …..

    kura haru arthapurna dhanga le bageka chhan

  3. yes, the loss of identity like Bourne’s identity Syndrome , Its a blessing to read these, yes We change roles, we change logic, We lose identity , we become slave of our brain mindset and environment, Who am I , multiple inheritance attributes and characters possessed in me, but Me, I , is only one . And it need You Another Identity to fulfill. much reasoning there is. I love Maxim Gorky much, remember him rejoice him.
    This article has exposed the loneliness, boredom much appreciably, so Kudos and salute

  4. Awesome! Post. I’m speechless, because it has touched my inner heart, feelings. I’m so glad to have your blog!

  5. loosing identity indeed is painful… and what complicates it more is the attachment we derive from that identity. the whole essence of Geeta thus comes to play, when K says to A, heart is in solace when you detach yourself from the selfishness and the inner desire to possess some one or some thing for ever.

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