Lucky blog

I am feeling lucky. The advancement of technology through which I am able to type these wonderful words,thanks to adsl and special thanks to inverter by grace of which adsl modem is running and special thanks to this N82 in which i am typing these words. I am enjoying this cool morning in front of this fire no electricity so no computer…no college because of another strike and no office because of no electricity and what about lazy sweta cheers another day to rest. Lovely cell blog my 1st mobile entry cheers

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Cool…December Treat…

WOW..Fantastic

I am feeling overwhelmed after today’s rain. The wet roads , wet everywhere and the cool air when it hit my face while driving. Simply its awesome and I am feeling so cool after a long time. The cool and cold are different things at least for me it is different because I cool enivonment is wht  simply love . ( And I love being in rain )

Unfortunately , this time too I was sleeping while it rained after such a long interval of time.  Unlucky me..could not get wet ..

After umm months rain has arrived. The wait for the Novemember rain had left me with no hopes but December  see december gave me such an wonderful treat. Rainfall !!! Rainfall !!! HUrrey..HUrrey…

Wonderful chill

I am not getting ill

I want to feel

Yes the Chill

The feeling is such a charismatic that also while driving and feeling the cool waves getting through the poers of my body, letting the cool flow in my veins and the coolness creating freshness in me. The warmth of freshness is different. To look outside typing these words is even wonderful , I am feeling the cool waves.

How much wonderful it would have been if I were wet, like Rohika didi , Di I am really jealous that you got wet that also while driving. No I wanted to fele the same but poor poor me , I slept, I slept …feeling the warmth of sirak and wasn’t moving even when I hear the big big drops falling …and mom shouting kasto Pani paryo…hare…

I had desperately waited for the November rain but there was no rainfall throughout November, I had no hopes and nothing but was thinking of snowfall in Feburary unlike last..not last..last+ last year that how nature graced Kathmanduties with wonderfulk snowfall..poor me that time too I was sleeping. This sleeping habit has made me lose so many wonders of life. I am thinking of changing this habit a new new year’s resolution, unlike every year.

But would my wait of November Rain be compensated by the December rain. I know how much I was desperate for the November Rain, so many friends know this. Would December’s wonderful treat give me the feelings of such romantica that I had wanted to feel through the cool cool December Rain. I am asking this question to myself , am I enjoying this cool december rain fall.

Definately, I am enjoying this rainfall but it would have been better if this same rain had fall on November. November Rain I had dreamt whatever, but see here December has arrived with rain..perhaps I must say december is gong away lefting me the sweet reminisense of this cool I am feeling right now, which I had wanted desperately in Novembr , let me say through Rain in November Rain. Would December Rain compensate for November Rain, no or yes, no or yes, yes or no…..What…Whatever..dream…..

Yes I am enjoying this …feeling the hot hot cup of Coffee..though not Mocha,,,at Java..but near here at Durbarmarg..ummm Kingsway..City Cafe..hehe hot hot treat incool December eve….Enjoyed a lot…

P.S. Loved it so much..enjoyed it so much..Thanks December..forthis wonderful treat…..that left me with…such a wonderful feeling…Shall cherish it..this whole year…hehe…(Next year too I shall wait for November …rain…)..and next year FEB snow……in2009….

Loved it ..so much….

Bus-sy Journey

A Bus-sy Journey…( Balkhu to Dakshinkali )

Tiresome it was. It was wonderful but really really tired due to the journey done in the bus for more than two hours. The biggest bus I have ever ride. The seats I was imaginging to be cozy but it was so uncomfortable. The bus fare so high. I was amazed but I need to pay it , mandatory (because me and mom can’t shout like the other woman did saying she will kick his ass…lol )

Me and mom and other two people in the bus and the bus so much scary and more scary was the road so much small and the turnings much more scary than anything. I was thinking how would I have drove in this road. ( It was challenge to me that after driving for more than two years in the Kathmandu road having accident for two times, I was thinking of driving in the road all the way to Dakshinkali)

Hopefully the challenge was withdrawan while all the plans were set up for driving because I dared walking rather than driving. Driving I do that every day actually the challenge was to walk and ride the bus that I had left for a long time period. So, I chosed walking and riding bus. ( heheheheheh …)

The journey began early morning and I was feeling tired walking.

We were supposed to find out some taxi that should have taken us but the taxi -driver showed the way to bus stand that’s why a bus as if it were a big house was there and it was a different experience to ride such a big bus and such an uncomfortable.

The scenes I was peeping through the window so that I could enjoy looking those beautiful scenes and it was wonderful to look at the foggy nature nothing could be seen other than the fog. ( But truly fog was also very very natural something I haven’t experienced that is why I was feeling wonderful )

I was thinking about Poo, my friend and her blog where she had described very beautifully the majestic scenes and sceneraies that had made her feel charismatic and I was trying to feel the same. But where was the feeling in me. There was no feeling at all and thats why howvever hard I tried to feel I could not feel anything other than the pain due to the uncomfortable seats.

No Queue ( I was thinking , am I dreaming )

The temple area so much clean and beautiful goddess there whom in muy 2 decades life have never seen. It is not that I was in Dakshinkali for the first time but I have visited it many a times but it is the first time that I had glimpses of lord Kali- Dakshinkali. I was thinking of Sheeba Shivangani Shah’s book Beyond the Illusions where she had potrayed Lord Kali so much majestically. I was trying to remember  her words and feel , feel eternal Kali residing within me.

Yes, she resides here inside me. What was the reason then for the long journey few hours back ?? I don’t know why I was so eager to visit the temple. I got what I felt and I am feeling the immense power the Kali, Lord Kali has. The power that she keeps lord Shiva under her feet, the power that she has to rule the world, the power of love she does and she gives to us. The power of Kali ..Ma Kali..Dakshinkali.  Her face so black as the name suggests , the teeth of her and sharp and feeling that she is showing how much powerful she is and she preserves.

So, back after visiting the mother too of DakshinKali…and it was immense pleasure too.

I was insisting mom continuously that I want to eat and we ate stale food so costy. But I felt good to eat …aalu, chana, malpa, chiya , pakauda……( kasto basi….mom was saying ).

Then again the same big house sized bus moving. The same uncomfortable seats and people …Oh god so many people there and it was fun to talk with mom about so many things and things we were looking through window..and we relalized that mom’s purse is lost. We searched and searched but it was nowhere.

So, I am feeling really realy tired even typing these words and listening Aerosmith after a long time. The legs are paining too.

P.S.  A Bus-sy Journey…..wonderful..

Jaat Sodhnu Jogi Ko..

Fantastic !!!

WOW..I am spellbounded because I am laughing till today remembering the evidences of the drama I watched last Saturday. Such an wonderful representation of human predicament created in the form of laughter. A way the writer has presented himself and the director trying to make the audience think and think over the matter and contemplate I did the same.

In the introduction only it was said that the drama was very famous. At first I had thought seriously that this was a very serious. The issue was so much mind captivating. The wonderful dialogues and the wonderful characters make the play more and more interesting . The more you watch the play the more you feel energy for laughing. The more you get deep into it. You never know how the one hour went off.

The setting of the play at first Kathmandu city and after that a rural village. The protagonist of the play “Mai Narayan Gharti” played and splendidly potrayed by Sunil Pokherel is still in my mind. The expressive dialogues and the soliloquy of the character was really wonderful. The whole dramatic element was presented very much well. Everyone did their job very much nicely. Each character played by the actors was splendid.

Another Gurukul masterpiece , the paly made me contemplate. When we look at the plot of the play too it is based on the contemporary realities and its a beautiful picture of the contemporatry realities. How much a person longs for the Master Degree, how much he longs for the job and how much he does to save the job.

Its a struggle of a person for study, for job, for his post and ofcourse for money, for the name Professor. I found myself in the character because of facing same problem. Longing to study hard, finding job not for money but for myself. The longing for study, the longing for the Professorship…

Also the students of rural area their language and the traces of simple modernism in them the way they talk, the way the rural grown-ups are all very much protrayed beautifully.

Anyways it was a real treat to me. It was so fun watching the play. I am feeling wonderful now too. Remembering the play. I am palnning to go there again to watch it. Again feel the laughter again hear the people laughing freakly freely..the drama hall  with all the laughter.

Hats off to the all….the actors and also Mr. Sunil Pokhrel and yes the director Anup Baral.

All that’s dream – II

(This is the story written by me in Stream Of Consciusness technique , just trying a new  thing in writing …nothing related to anybody’s personal life , the Part -I is below this post )

 

Unlike other day , I am empty handed today. No vegetables and no any shopping. What should I do, there were protest going around there. What if Bardan again..Bardan again…No No I am defending myself today..I will shout if he does that, I will beat him if he does that. But can I beat him like that. Can I shout like him, Can I or Can I not, should I or should I not. What should I do??.

These vegetables are so dirty, Bardan would not eat these if he sees this. Let me cook his favourite dish today, but would he feel good and better, or or … or would he again shout. No, why would he shout if I am not the one who caused the Protest. The shops were closed at Ason and this is the reason I could not buy anything today. But it was not my fault.

It was not my fault. Was it my fault ? Was it my fault ?

I think I should cook now. Bardan will come being hungry.

Oh that hug was awesome. Awesome…and awesome. I still feel the emotions……the moment of ecstatic pleasure which Bardan could never give me.

Hey what I am thinking. What if Bardan knows this ? He loves me so much but if he loves me then why he beats me because because

It was not my fault. Its nature ‘s fault , what if I could not give him…

Oh dear again I should stop thinking that

Hey its already six….Its time he will arrive. But why he is not home yet. What has happened ? Has he …no he may not..has he …oh dear has he ….or not..

Has he started coming home late ?? But why he has started coming home late??…

Is this my fault too…unlike that..unlike the fault that I could not…I am unable…to carry his sperm in my body…

The food is ready now. Yeah I am hungry too but but I can’t eat till Bardan arrives….till Bardan arrives

But that Hug was awesome..that makes me feel woman. Bardan never had feelings and he could not arouse feelings inside me. His touch never makes my spine hot with passion , like that simple hug was which creates passion in me till today.

…………………………………………………

I am married now I should not think about other men now. What if Bardan feels that I am betraying him, where shall I go if he kicks me out from the house. That one who had hug me long time ago is lost somewhere, I think I will not recognize his face now. How shall I conslose him and how shall I consloe my heart and soul that are bounded by the so called marriage with Bardan.

This picture is so cool, I look so young in this one, how Bardan had catched my hand in the weeding day and how I was blushed like never before and how my friends had teased me and how my heart had beated that day, how much had it palpitated.

What about the first night???

This picture is good too where my family is looking so happy. Mom Oh Mom why you have left me …Mom do you remember how naughty was I Mom how I argued with you when I needed to thread my eyebrows for the first time, while I troubled you a lot. Dear mom now you are not with me. Dear mom I am missing you. Dear mom you have told me once that when I will have my own child I will know all these things but mom why why nature didn’t gave me chance to born my own child. Dear Mom why is the reason I am childless. Dear mom …oh dear mom..he beats me mom..dear mom..

Dilasha…why are you not opening the door..Dilasha..are you there …

Yes I am here wait …

Oh ! why you look so pale today, Dilasha…

Well, nothing Bardan.

Dineer is ready, why are you late today…??  I am so hungry today.

Then why you waited me just for the sake of waiting ??  And did you buy those things that I have given you..

Oh the dinner is ready come and eat dear…

Seems like you are going out of mind these days…and why can;t you do anything nicely.

Why Bardan is talking like this, does he knows about that hug, that awesome hug..oh I am feeling passion now…Has he found out that I was thinking of that hug. Has he known that person. Oh dear why Bardan is talking like this.

Give me some dal..Can you hear me?? Give me some dal..

Oh sure wait…

Should I tell the truth that I could not buy anything because of the revolution, because of rallies that made me unable to buy anything..

Should I tell him that he was unable to give me satisfaction..Should I tell him that it is he, who is infertile..

Should I tell him that I want my baby like my grandmom had my mom had me, like Samrita has, like the moms who carry their baby ..in their womb, like they carry them in their lap.

Should I tell him that I want baby…

Why are you awake Dilasha…sleep now…

Turn off the light…

Didn’t you hear me turn off the light.

Can’t you hear me ?… You stupid woman turn off the light now.

All that’s dream -I

( This is my first try to write Stream of Consciousness Technique of writng trying to make what I am learning at college these days and of which I have been always fascinate. In  Stream of Conscious technique the writer gives the direct access to the characters mind or psyche without intervention. In this technique the sense perception mingles with conscious and sub-conscious thought.

(Here goes the story )

“It was a simple hug , nothing had happened more than that. For you it was simple hug but for me it was ecstasy that I had felt”. Oh! I had felt that. Shame oh!! shame, how can I think of other man now.

She has dream, I have dream, the birds running freakly has dream, the flowers have dream, the dream of colouring the petals with most beautiful collage, the fly , the moth, the dog and her babies , the girl who has her hais pigtail may have her own dream, the mother running to catch the bus of her children may have her own dream. They all can dream, dream the world they want to live and in which they live.

“I too can dream , Can’t I”

It lasted few seconds but the warmth of the hug was awesome. My hands are getting colder, I am blushing now. But why I am blushing now. I am feeling the heat in the spine. But why I am feeling this heat. I think my eybrows need threading now. Oh! what about the milk boiling in the kitchen. Hurry ! Hurry ! run !! run !!. Thank god it had not boiled over……..

Pigtail hair mom used to tie, ironed smart dress, a tiffin box with the delicious macaroni in it. How I used to eat that before the lunch time, sometime even when the teacher was teaching, oh the lips are streching now. The smart look, the heavy bag which disappointed me. The books that I used to forget and the punishment to stand up in the bench. Those were the days, days of the perfect life.

See!! how my hands are wrinkled now. Dear O’ Dear My face is wrinkled too. I think I need to buy that excellent wrinkle-lift cream.

Oh! that hug was awesome……..

How that arms had grabbed me, my body and I was unable to move but I was able to feel. How much I was suffocating because of my chest pressed in that chest.

Hello, Whos speaking ? Oh ! Samrita ..how have you been, hows the little boy. Well, I am fine. Did he started calling you mom ? and Hows Bidhan, give my regards to him. Take care dearie, yes I will to take care. Bye Bye..See you soon.

The air so fresh today, it is so cool and making me feel the chill. I would have love the chill but…Its too cold today. I am feeling so romantic.

I think he is home….

You arrived too early today ??

Yes, today I am little unwell, said Bardan. What have you cooked ? I am so hungry, today.

I have, well nothing but will give you a hot coffee first then I shall cook, till then you be fresh.

I have brought you something, Dilasha…come here.

Wow!! A diamond Necklace, Bardan you must be crazy but I am really happy. I shall wear it in Binita’s marriage. Oh I ….Oh I …….

That hug was awesome.

This necklace is beautiful too. Let me wear it once. Oh this suits me a lot, hey my neck has been wrinkled too. Oh dear this necklace doesn’t looks beautiful. This is so ugly, this necklace is so ugly. He must not have brought this ugly necklace. I am not wearing it anymore.

…………………………….

People here and people there. They are carrying fire in their hand. Chanting anti-royalist slogans. I am closing my ears. Oh they are violent. They are throwing stones. The Newroad is tensed too. Basantapur..they are gathering there. Police are there, women, men, tramp like children.

I need to buy so many things. I think I lost the list Bardan has given me. Oh again he shall shout like last time-: “You don’t have mind or what, can’t you do anything nice”.

Oh that warmth was awesome. The hug, that made me feel so cool eventhough the blood in my veins were so hot. The passions were so ecsatic…

Oh I need to go home now…I think I can’;t buy anything in this market….

Better go home

Taxi!!!! Taxi!!!

……………..

( The story will be concluded in next part )

Nothing but for Freedom

Not my personal decision it was but I felt, I personally felt that I was able to breathe after so much long. And I am finally able to stand on my own feet and it feels great that I am able to rebel against whom? Against my own psyche may be this would be right. A sort of silly busyness…of mine which I think is worthless neither that helped me financially nor that gave me a sense of satisfaction. It was and it is right decision of mine because it was my decision. My decision to not to be more burdened. How much I was equal to syspus, nothing but always running, always always in a rush a rush that will give me such tiredness which I hate a lot, which I have hated always. Still I do hate my own busyness because it never gave me freedom. The freedom I had wanted. The freedom I want to achieve.
The time I want to spend with myself. I don’t even have time for my self. My flowing kohl, my uncombed hair and my wacky punk dress up. I am a girl I too may be have desires to be beautiful, to get gorgeous, to chose the best shoe and best dress. But what do I have time for doing so, no that’s why I accept what I am, the way I look, never conscious how much weird. Sometime I feel like I live in my unconscious world. Where I live, where I grow and where I sall die. Living in this unconscious world of self where there is nothing to worry about everything happens in unconscious way and I find it awesome. Because when you are conscious then you will be in pain. Like the consciousness that made Hamlet suicide, like consciousness that made Othello go mad. But what about my own consciousness that made me contemplate.
Yes, a time I was conscious and that time I felt I need time for myself, people I call family, relatives, friends and all. I became conscious about the looks because I look so weird but yet this consciousness of mine didn’t make me feel that I should look like the other gorgeous girls. “Physical Appearance doesn’t count on my behalf, what counts is school of thought and mental capability” , said someone a long time ago.
Yes, I realized that I need to have freedom, yes I need to breathe, nothing but for freedom I am doing this. Freedom that I want and I need. I need to live and cheer for this life is mine and I want my life to be as I like. No pressure, No Boss, No Pressure and No Boss. Me and I , I am me, Sweta and Freedom. An escape, an escape into the Himalayas, the air of freedom for self.
Everyone has right don’t they. To be in freedom. I am in freedom too but still I feel bounded because of the competence in my mind that doesn’t let me be in freedom. The social, cultural and the political competence in my mind that doesn’t let me be in freedom. No, I don’t want to have a freaky freedom. A freaky freedom means umm..no I dont know the definition. I don’t know the defination, but I understand this what a freaky freedom means.
No, I don’t need that freedom but I need a space for myself. A Space for me. Space for Sweta, for living a life that I want, A dream of mine …Space for Sweta.. A life of own, a life full of nature and yes full of technology yes I can’t live without internet hahaha and without my baby bride. This would be too much. But people need technology and I am not the exception. So , I was talking about my space, My life is a space, hey to sustain life I need a space, my space, where I can write, write and write.
Time..where there is no time, my space would be like that where I would not have to run like I am doing like now, where I don’t have to compete with anyone..No hurt no pains no gain no losses, no feelings no sadness no happiness..(when there is happiness there will be sadness ).
A space nothing but for freedom, for my freedom, my space my freedom….my world and my life, my universe..