All that’s dream – II

(This is the story written by me in Stream Of Consciusness technique , just trying a new  thing in writing …nothing related to anybody’s personal life , the Part -I is below this post )

 

Unlike other day , I am empty handed today. No vegetables and no any shopping. What should I do, there were protest going around there. What if Bardan again..Bardan again…No No I am defending myself today..I will shout if he does that, I will beat him if he does that. But can I beat him like that. Can I shout like him, Can I or Can I not, should I or should I not. What should I do??.

These vegetables are so dirty, Bardan would not eat these if he sees this. Let me cook his favourite dish today, but would he feel good and better, or or … or would he again shout. No, why would he shout if I am not the one who caused the Protest. The shops were closed at Ason and this is the reason I could not buy anything today. But it was not my fault.

It was not my fault. Was it my fault ? Was it my fault ?

I think I should cook now. Bardan will come being hungry.

Oh that hug was awesome. Awesome…and awesome. I still feel the emotions……the moment of ecstatic pleasure which Bardan could never give me.

Hey what I am thinking. What if Bardan knows this ? He loves me so much but if he loves me then why he beats me because because

It was not my fault. Its nature ‘s fault , what if I could not give him…

Oh dear again I should stop thinking that

Hey its already six….Its time he will arrive. But why he is not home yet. What has happened ? Has he …no he may not..has he …oh dear has he ….or not..

Has he started coming home late ?? But why he has started coming home late??…

Is this my fault too…unlike that..unlike the fault that I could not…I am unable…to carry his sperm in my body…

The food is ready now. Yeah I am hungry too but but I can’t eat till Bardan arrives….till Bardan arrives

But that Hug was awesome..that makes me feel woman. Bardan never had feelings and he could not arouse feelings inside me. His touch never makes my spine hot with passion , like that simple hug was which creates passion in me till today.

…………………………………………………

I am married now I should not think about other men now. What if Bardan feels that I am betraying him, where shall I go if he kicks me out from the house. That one who had hug me long time ago is lost somewhere, I think I will not recognize his face now. How shall I conslose him and how shall I consloe my heart and soul that are bounded by the so called marriage with Bardan.

This picture is so cool, I look so young in this one, how Bardan had catched my hand in the weeding day and how I was blushed like never before and how my friends had teased me and how my heart had beated that day, how much had it palpitated.

What about the first night???

This picture is good too where my family is looking so happy. Mom Oh Mom why you have left me …Mom do you remember how naughty was I Mom how I argued with you when I needed to thread my eyebrows for the first time, while I troubled you a lot. Dear mom now you are not with me. Dear mom I am missing you. Dear mom you have told me once that when I will have my own child I will know all these things but mom why why nature didn’t gave me chance to born my own child. Dear Mom why is the reason I am childless. Dear mom …oh dear mom..he beats me mom..dear mom..

Dilasha…why are you not opening the door..Dilasha..are you there …

Yes I am here wait …

Oh ! why you look so pale today, Dilasha…

Well, nothing Bardan.

Dineer is ready, why are you late today…??  I am so hungry today.

Then why you waited me just for the sake of waiting ??  And did you buy those things that I have given you..

Oh the dinner is ready come and eat dear…

Seems like you are going out of mind these days…and why can;t you do anything nicely.

Why Bardan is talking like this, does he knows about that hug, that awesome hug..oh I am feeling passion now…Has he found out that I was thinking of that hug. Has he known that person. Oh dear why Bardan is talking like this.

Give me some dal..Can you hear me?? Give me some dal..

Oh sure wait…

Should I tell the truth that I could not buy anything because of the revolution, because of rallies that made me unable to buy anything..

Should I tell him that he was unable to give me satisfaction..Should I tell him that it is he, who is infertile..

Should I tell him that I want my baby like my grandmom had my mom had me, like Samrita has, like the moms who carry their baby ..in their womb, like they carry them in their lap.

Should I tell him that I want baby…

Why are you awake Dilasha…sleep now…

Turn off the light…

Didn’t you hear me turn off the light.

Can’t you hear me ?… You stupid woman turn off the light now.

Waiting..

The tiresome sleepless nights…..
Watery red red eyes….
Waitng and few hours to go now…..
Tomorrows my exam…
and m waiting to be there …..
no…..m not waiting for my xam….
m waitng for Result…
m waiting for PERFECTION……
I wanna know my results….
before i give my xams….
I want Prerfection…..
Dad wants….good no….BEST result…
I want Perfection…
You want Perfection….
We all want Perfection….
But m damn sure….we can never get it…..
These tiresome sleepless nights will remain forever….
waitng for perfection will be eternal

By-Sweta
(wrote before xam…..xam has become a true headache for me….and thats why…..wrote this….)