It was like a painting
Dispersed in the white walls
The black dark
I was aware: I had been battling for long
And, part of me was tired
And, it remained immovable
I thought of writing you a text, then I refrained. I thought of dialing your number but stopped myself halfway through. Then, I thought of writing you an email~but couldn’t type anything. I have stopped writing. I have stopped. I don’t know. These new shoes I am wearing right now are giving me blisters. It pains. Yet, there is no option- than to walk. Yes, with the shoes. I know by this time your forehead would wrinkle and in your eyes my suffering will twinkle. I know we communicate. But in silences. In grief. In pain. In ego. In our heads.
I remember the distance that grew gradually and it kept on moving down and hurting both you and me. In pain we remembered ourselves. In pain we thought about each other. I thought you should have been a healer~ like you were always! You didn’t try and I couldn’t dare. By the time, the pain we gave to each other had reached to the depth that nothing could ever fill it and nothing could ever cure it. We lose many things in life. We lose love of our life. Yet, nothing pains more than the loss of friendship. “When you are an adult, you lose friends ~ that’s normal” – somebody had said. I wish we were never adults but remained the way we were – carefree- careless and caring. After a decade long friendship-what went wrong? Who was right and who was wrong? Who did a mistake? Who never dared to correct it? Both of us? You? Me? or Me? You? Who stopped us? Who is stopping me now? Who is stopping you now? I know my blisters will give you pain! I know you could help me to gulp the pain and smile to move ahead with pride. But, where are you?
Then, our conversation never ended
Yes, it never ended
As, it had no begining
It was right there ~ always.
You know~ some conversations do not have an end
But with a flow ~ high and low
In deep, dark silences.
Close your eyes and tell me what did you see?
Black out. I saw nothing. Then I tried it again- something black and dark started to get accumulated around my chest and it took the form of a huge black, dark, gloomy and barren mountain. I have always disliked mountains, I felt like I can never associate myself with mountains. No doubt they are majestic, they are beautiful, they are breath taking too but somehow I can never say I “like” mountain- it doesn’t excite me as much as the rivers ~ that keeps on flowing on and on and on and is not standing stagnant for ages like the mountains.
But something that I saw around my chest was sadly not a flowing river, but it was mountain~ huge mountain and it had no snow, it had no greenery nothing. Never realized that I was carrying a big mountain inside me that is not very happy mountain, it is a sad mountain, it is a serious mountain. For, how long I have been carrying this mountain inside me? How long did it take to reach the huge height that it has now when I realized it is inside me? What are the things that have piled up to make this huge mountain? This is the pile of the fossils of feelings may be. All those feelings that I can personally feel ~ happiness, sadness, despair, anger, anxiety, fear, love, hate and on and on – may be all these things make the mountain.
You are Everywhere!
The tips of my finger just typed the above words in my pink keyboard. I remember how you teased me saying, “You have everything pink- but Keyboard as well- Really?”, of course with your dimpled smile accepting my favorite color. May be I have been thinking about you a lot or may be I have been talking with you inside my own world a lot or may be it is basically true that – “You are Everywhere ~ Just Everywhere”
How can somebody occupy that much space when I all the time say that I need my personal space, I need to be with myself! I think I lie. I don’t need my space anymore since the day when I welcomed you in my little world. The first day, I saw you~ world had completely blurred as eyes were focused on you ~ only you. I don’t know my mind did not only picture you but also took a video or even a selfie with you~ the memories lie in the perfect files in the cabinet of mind. Yeah, I do flip through files. Also through the pictures of you in my mind, sometime play back that video that I have captured you with smile, laughter or just in a silent mood when I am babbling a lot – like all the time I do or sometimes just watch ourselves walking together with crossed palms or you holding me in your arms or sometimes us sitting in the ground and just talking on and on and on.
May be truly – You are everywhere!
This is for You ~ You ~ You ~You and You …Many Many You(s) who have walked in my life and made it so so beautiful and meaningful. You have walked in my life in many different beautiful forms~ in the form of laughter, in the form of bond, in books, in all those pink gifts that you bring for me from every where~ from spectacles from Newroad to cute pink clips from Singapore to scarf from France to pink socks from Japan to cute pink horse from USA~or a pink diary from Denmark~a pink phone cover from amazon (: or in the form of pink chaubandi from dhoj ko pasal or in the form of pen drive from Mahabaudha ~ or in the form of jhol momo talk or in the form of soul sister in twitter #dm in the form of the sweetest self made birthday card or in the form of the first greeting card in my post box from California ~ or in the form of somebody who cares me more than myself or in the form of immense love ~ intense love ~ over a cup of Herbal Tea at our small cozy table.
I have always been the most pampered one in every relation that I have maintained with you all~you have been greatest bearer of my nastiness and sweetest sweetness and truly an integral part of my little heart. I don’t know my small physical heart has kept all the emotions that I feel for you all so clear ~ and I wonder how you all carry me in your heart where ever you go~ how special I am to you all and how I can’t imagine my life without you all. Continue reading
Mornings are the nights
And Nights are the days
Thousands miles away
I encounter with…
A Victorian Clock
Telling a tale of Zoning
Reminding swaps of the dusk and dawn
Welcomes to another time-belt
Perhaps the “Post-modernity”?
Patches of pain around jet-lagged body
Puns of appetite – Why so hungry every time?
A packet of noodles brought from home
Devouring in secret
And nobody knows
Look what the watch says ?
But turning eyes, there is a vacant dark Night