In between

A surreal memory of Fall Walk… Pic: By Me (: 

a night you struggle to sleep,

it is not pain, it is suffering.

last remaining autumn day struggles to remain still

all those fallen leaves and bare trees,

reveal–time has come~ serene autumn days should go,

should fly away in a blink

such that when you wake up one random morning

autumn is suddenly gone

and, flying snow will flutter around

 inevitable…i know! we know!

 something we are taught and prepared for

“inevitable”

or…in between pain and suffering, may be

an en route to you yourself and the “you” you want to be

is it a suffering?

but new “you” will come always in between you and yourself,

*inevitable*,

And, truth is something in between

 

 

*Footnote to self*: But suffering could be transformed into an energy to continue the journey between you and yourself (:, embrace 2018 (: 

Fairfax, VA, 12.28.2017

Embracing Epiphany

It was like a painting

Dispersed in the white walls

The black dark

Immovable shadow

I was aware: I had been battling for long

And, part of me was tired

And, it remained immovable

Inbox (16)

Dear Friend,

I thought of writing you a text, then I refrained. I thought of dialing your number but stopped myself halfway through. Then, I thought of writing you an email~but couldn’t type anything. I have stopped writing. I have stopped. I don’t know. These new shoes I am wearing right now are giving me blisters. It pains. Yet, there is no option- than to walk. Yes, with the shoes. I know by this time your forehead would wrinkle and in your eyes my suffering will twinkle. I know we communicate. But in silences. In grief. In pain. In ego. In our heads.

I remember the distance that grew gradually and it kept on moving down and hurting both you and me. In pain we remembered ourselves. In pain we thought about each other. I thought you should have been a healer~ like you were always! You didn’t try and I couldn’t dare. By the time, the pain we gave to each other had reached to the depth that nothing could ever fill it and nothing could ever cure it.  We lose many things in life. We lose love of our life. Yet, nothing pains more than the loss of friendship. “When you are an adult, you lose friends ~ that’s normal” – somebody had said. I wish we were never adults but remained the way we were – carefree- careless and caring. After a decade long friendship-what went wrong? Who was right and who was wrong? Who did a mistake? Who never dared to correct it? Both of us? You? Me? or Me? You? Who stopped us? Who is stopping me now? Who is stopping you now? I know my blisters will give you pain! I know you could help me to gulp the pain and smile to move ahead with pride. But, where are you?

But,

Then, our conversation never ended

Yes, it never ended

As, it had no begining

It was right there ~ always.

You know~ some conversations do not have an end

They continue

But with a flow ~ high and low

In silences.

In deep, dark silences.

With love,

s

 

 

The Mountain ~ That’s Mine

I know Mountains~There is the strong reason behind you standing stagnant for forever and ever!

Close your eyes and tell me what did you see? 

Black out. I saw nothing. Then I tried it again- something black and dark started to get accumulated around my chest and it took the form of a huge black, dark, gloomy and barren mountain. I have always disliked mountains, I felt like I can never associate myself with mountains. No doubt they are majestic, they are beautiful, they are breath taking too but somehow I can never say I “like” mountain- it doesn’t excite me as much as the rivers ~ that keeps on flowing on and on and on and is not standing stagnant for ages like the mountains.

But something that I saw around my chest was sadly not a flowing river, but it was mountain~ huge mountain and it had no snow, it had no greenery nothing. Never realized that I was carrying a big mountain inside me that is not very happy mountain, it is a sad mountain, it is a serious mountain. For, how long I have been carrying this mountain inside me? How long did it take to reach the huge height that it has now when I realized it is inside me? What are the things that have piled up to make this huge mountain? This is the pile of the fossils of feelings may be. All those feelings that I can personally feel ~ happiness, sadness, despair, anger, anxiety, fear, love, hate and on and on – may be all these things make the mountain.

Inbox (13)

You are Everywhere!

The tips of my finger just typed the above words in my pink keyboard. I remember how you teased me saying, “You have everything pink- but Keyboard as well- Really?”, of course with your dimpled smile accepting my favorite color.   May be I have been thinking about you a lot or may be I have been talking with you inside my own world a lot or may be it is basically true that – “You are Everywhere ~ Just Everywhere”

How can somebody occupy that much space when I all the time say that I need my personal space, I need to be with myself! I think I lie. I don’t need my space anymore since the day when I welcomed you in my little world. The first day, I saw you~ world had completely blurred as eyes were focused on you ~ only you. I don’t know my mind did not only picture you but also took a video or even a selfie with you~ the memories lie in the perfect files in the cabinet of mind. Yeah, I do flip through files. Also through the pictures of you in my mind, sometime play back that video that I have captured you with smile, laughter or just in a silent mood when I am babbling a lot – like all the time I do or sometimes just watch ourselves walking together with crossed palms or you holding me in your arms or sometimes us sitting in the ground and just talking on and on and on.

May be truly – You are everywhere!

For Walking in my Life ~Thanks

With you all in my heart
I swing ~you all swing
And
Thus we live~ we continue to live

This is for You ~ You ~ You ~You and You …Many Many You(s) who have walked in my life and made it so so beautiful and meaningful. You have walked in my life in many different beautiful forms~ in the form of laughter, in the form of bond, in books, in all those pink gifts that you bring for me from every where~ from spectacles from Newroad to cute pink clips from Singapore to scarf from France to pink socks from Japan to cute pink horse from USA~or a pink diary from Denmark~a pink phone cover from amazon (: or in the form of pink chaubandi from dhoj ko pasal or in the form of pen drive from Mahabaudha ~ or in the form of jhol momo talk  or in the form of soul sister in twitter #dm in the form of the sweetest self made birthday card or in the form of the first greeting card in my post box from California ~ or in the form of somebody who cares me more than myself or in the form of immense love ~ intense love ~ over a cup of Herbal Tea at our small cozy table.

I have always been the most pampered one in every relation that I have maintained with you all~you have been greatest bearer of my nastiness and sweetest sweetness and  truly an integral part of my little heart. I don’t know my small physical heart has kept all the emotions that I feel for you all so clear ~ and I wonder how you all carry me in your heart where ever you go~ how special I am to you all and how I can’t imagine my life without you all.

Call it Love (:

Call
It
Love

The fingers I touched

Hiding under the plate

I passed to you

Did you know ~ you passed me your current too?

Igniting a fire in me

With your soft touch

Under the moon

But burning inside were you too

Swap of Dusk and Dawn

Telling a Tale of The Time, Fourth Street, Louisville

Mornings are the nights

And Nights are the days

Thousands miles away

I encounter with…

A Victorian Clock

Telling a tale of Zoning

Reminding swaps of the dusk and dawn

Welcomes to another time-belt

Perhaps the “Post-modernity”?

Patches of  pain around jet-lagged body

Puns of appetite – Why so hungry every time?

A packet of noodles brought from home

Devouring in secret

And nobody knows

Shhh….

Look what the watch says ?

(A )

(T)

(C)

(H)

Outside …………………!

But turning eyes, there is a vacant dark Night

The Remnants

Lost are the crayons of life, it seems so dark and vacant it looks like.

It is the sketch of a different tale. Something I would probably wouldn’t want to write it in any day. But the truth is I am writing. May be I am writing because I am bound to give the shape to the rumblings of heart by recording of the its sound. Where else

can the voice of the heart can be recorded else if it is not transcribed? The voice of heart you all have stopped to respond ~ calls, sms, emails ~should I wait for them when you have stopped to respond to the voice of heart?

I dreamed of you all. I dreamed of you all drifting away, fleeting away and going away one by one. I never wanted to face this in real life. But see I am facing it and surviving through it. May be resisting because I want to change the situation. I so badly want to change the situation because I want you all back again in my life. But it will be impossible to find something that is lost deliberately. One by one I lost my crayons.

जीवन….

Life Sometimes

 

कही गएर टक्क अडिए कस्तो हुदो होला यो समय……यो जीवन …..