I thought of writing you a text, then I refrained. I thought of dialing your number but stopped myself halfway through. Then, I thought of writing you an email~but couldn’t type anything. I have stopped writing. I have stopped. I don’t know. These new shoes I am wearing right now are giving me blisters. It pains. Yet, there is no option- than to walk. Yes, with the shoes. I know by this time your forehead would wrinkle and in your eyes my suffering will twinkle. I know we communicate. But in silences. In grief. In pain. In ego. In our heads.
I remember the distance that grew gradually and it kept on moving down and hurting both you and me. In pain we remembered ourselves. In pain we thought about each other. I thought you should have been a healer~ like you were always! You didn’t try and I couldn’t dare. By the time, the pain we gave to each other had reached to the depth that nothing could ever fill it and nothing could ever cure it. We lose many things in life. We lose love of our life. Yet, nothing pains more than the loss of friendship. “When you are an adult, you lose friends ~ that’s normal” – somebody had said. I wish we were never adults but remained the way we were – carefree- careless and caring. After a decade long friendship-what went wrong? Who was right and who was wrong? Who did a mistake? Who never dared to correct it? Both of us? You? Me? or Me? You? Who stopped us? Who is stopping me now? Who is stopping you now? I know my blisters will give you pain! I know you could help me to gulp the pain and smile to move ahead with pride. But, where are you?
Then, our conversation never ended
Yes, it never ended
As, it had no begining
It was right there ~ always.
You know~ some conversations do not have an end
But with a flow ~ high and low
In deep, dark silences.