Living your own dreams!

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I often forget that I am the character of my own dreams…
That distant imaginary, dreamy, blurry person is real & it is me…
It is sad that I often forget what long road I have traveled
And, what trauma that I carry within myself and that I keep alive
The pain, my friends is hurtful because I am the one, often hurting myself
Or thinking about that painful process
Fighting with myself and my own inner demons whom I never let fade away
But Friends,
I don’t lie when I tell you that I am living my own Goddam Dreams!
I question myself often: why this looming sadness, Sweta?
You seem happy, and how can you be so sad?
Well, I don’t know. I crossed very bad two weeks. But now I have come to my own terms on this weather we are blessed with, the clouds, trees, my swing, the land, the house, this pen, diary, every essence around me is echoing to me today:
Hey Girl, you are living your own dreams today!

Some hand written poetry today!

Art Institute of Chicago: When will you return our Goddess’ Necklace?

Today is Nawami Day, the ninth day of the Dashain festival in Nepal, and the day when the doors of Taleju Bhawani temple are open for visitors and worshippers. This is the second Dashain when we desperately waited for the Art Institute of Chicago to return the necklace of Taleju Bhawani necklace and yet, the museum keeps it open on display as its own when it doesn’t belong to it. There has been so much outcry and so many demands, letters, public advocacy, greater journalism pieces and articles, and whatnot… yet for a powerful institution like the Art Institute of Chicago, it doesn’t matter. They are not accountable and they are not respectful towards the larger community in Nepal where people are waiting for the arrival of Taleju Bhawani’s necklace. The more I write and talk about this necklace, everyone I have spoken to (non-Nepalis) has said that the necklace shouldn’t be here and should be sent back to where it belongs – to the Taleju Bhawani who was gifted this necklace. This necklace is not just a piece of exotic art but it was a piece that was worshipped for many years until its disappearance. Many onlookers might not know why it is so important to the Nepali community but this piece is a part of our Goddess and we would like it back and we would like to worship it. Art Institute of Chicago is not allowing this to happen because we have to prove the provenance, we have to prove that it was lost, we have to do all the paperwork, etc. But when there was no paperwork that existed from where we will ever prove that is ours is ours? This is just too ridiculous!

But Goddess will find her way home! When she wants it no one can stop and the pathway will be created. I hope the Art Institute of Chicago realizes that what they are doing is colonial and it is not okay! I will continue to advocate for this and so will many other Nepalis. Hopefully, next Dashain we will take the Goddess Home.

Now it is two years that I stood up next to the necklace and asked for the return of the necklace. But the Art Institute of Chicago is not listening!

We are hopeful and counting the days for Goddesses’ return to Nepal. It will happen. It should happen.

The inherent question

I am not good enough

I have this inherent belief that “I am not good enough”
All my school life, I was made to feel I was not good enough
It shaped my being, psyche and of course, that I believed that I was not good enough.
I go back to being a child and think about what I used to do when I was told that I was not good enough
I always imagined~ I imagined to be good~ I imagined to be a good person like my mother ~ I imagined I would have the best handwriting~ I imagined I would be beautiful ~ I imagined that I was helpful or successful in whatever that meant to me at that time…I imagined I was loved and that I had a partner who would see how good I was inside because for longest time I was made felt that I was ugly.
A lot of times my mother was also told that she was not good enough.
So, we always heard that about ourselves. You are not good enough.
Then what would we know about what being good means?
When our imagined realities didn’t match the real world talks that were provided to us as facts.
When we were never made to think that we could ever be good.
Then we were told we don’t deserve the things we achieved and worked hard for like a mere job? I was 19. How would I know what would make me deserve it?
Then I was 25. Same thing.
Then I was 26. Same thing
Then I was 27. Same thing
Then I was 33. Same thing.
So who decides what somebody deserves?
Who decides that when some is not good enough?
Well, today I decide that I don’t buy this narrative.

So, I tell the world that I AM GOOD ENOUGH. My Mother is GOOD ENOUGH. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.

This poem is dedicated to my mother and my therapist.