Sunday blues !

This is the story written in stream of consciousness technique …..

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He came home being drunk as usual…the child is sleeping he doesn’t cares….I am waiting him with a hungry stomach….he really doesn’t cares…..I am so desperate for his words….he is damn indifferent…

Shaili, come on girl …wake up….you are getting late for your class…No mom….No….I don’t want to go to college today….I have unironed clothes and my hair is so dirty……I don’t know when this girl is growing up….

Mom….I need more biskut( biscuit) …says 3 year old Satish…No..more biscuit dear…you need to eat lunch soon….No No I need biskut…I need some more biskut….He starts crying …..

I stood numb…Why doesn’t he cares?….Why is he so much indifferent? I have been searching reasons what mistake I have done…..I stood numb as always….Biskut…Biskut….

Satish stop yelling….No more Biskut….Call your papa for lunch….

Oh ! your papa is here…. Continue reading

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Phonemic hangover…

You utter….

I utter….

We both utter…

Phonemes together….

Whisper…we do it..together

Hard to listen….
Continue reading

Cold

Don’t know why I am feeling so cold…so lone..as I had felt last September….I don’t want to be numb as always…quite and suffering with the pain…No, I don’t want to give pain to others because they don’t deserve it…the most beautiful people in the world..they can’t tolerate it…

Some days can be boring like this…Sweety must be chatting with her friends…as always..or facebooking…but I am here typing don’t know why I opt for this…writing…..Seems like …I am so habituated to my colleagues…to chat and laugh unnecessarily…backbite about Sweety, and a lot of girly gossips….but what if Sweety bans..it here at office.

I prefer imagination to reality. Coleridge has well said “Reality is dark dream”….Yes.. it is a dark dream…I don’t want to dream a dark dream…really it hurts to know..it hurts to realize which I don’t want to..
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Vows !!!!

I left you miles and miles away……

With vows to meet again…..

I try to behold….your image….

In the clouds…I ‘d flown away…

In the waves….I’d sailed …….

Feels like you are here….

In the air…clouds…and waves… Continue reading

Its you everytime…

I try to avoid you…get away from you but I you are so attached that you cannot be left away so easily…Things remind me of you….so much….I got an old newspaper…with something rolled in it…and guess what there was your name….Phew !!…I cannot tolerate…

You are like a boil…..painful…..Very much indeed…which needs  a lot of hardship to throw…all the white blood cells in my body could not fight with the bacteria…What about antibiotic tablets..but those tablets failed , as I failed….I could not drain you…because it was too painful…nor could I do avoid the pain….

How long I could stand like this…Its damn painful…God…I needed treatment… Continue reading

Nec-Romancer-II

Here is the assumed talks with other two dead ones-:

Sweta-: Reema ( Name changed) dear reema last time I went your home on your six month anniversary and it was so hurting, the feast was very big and your big smiling potrait was making me hurt. The day after your death I was there at your home. Your dress which you have wore when you killed yourself. You know dear , I have not cried like this in anyone’s death or ever because I was hurt so much because of your death and moreover when I came to know the fact that you have suicided. Dearie why there was the need to suicide, just because the Chemistry exam that you thought that you could not pass. I regret for not calling you when my brother had the NIST question that were supposed the leaked questions. If I had called you once then, then I think you would not have suicided because of the fear of passing the exam. I regret and regret a lot dearie. I have faced your death with my eyes the cloth you have used to tie your tender neck with and the celing on which you hunged yourself. The haunting memories of yours though I have not talked with you and never met you as a person but I remeber the funniest sms you have send me. Dearie I miss you a lot tell me why tell me what was the reason for your suicide….

Reema-: I want to live. A mistake took my life away dijju, I want my body to be back, I want my family to be back. I regret a lot a lot for killing myself. I don’t know anything why the thought came to my mind , I don’t know why I committed a sin. That night we have laughed a lot, eating my favourite Gundruk in our new kitchen, but when I started studying then I felt I don’t remember anything , the chemical reactions, the notes anything and it frustrated me a lot. Then I thought the thing I have told to mom last night that I will drop my paper and how mom had consoled me I can’t do that. I remembered my SLC % it was distinction , being a distinction holder in SLC I could not just fail the exam. My reputation , my aim and everything would just fade away. I thought then what should I do. I stopped studying and went to bed. But could not sleep, my eyes vacant staring the celing and the feeling came to my mind that I must die and inorder to escape from the reality. Reality would bite if I fail, what a shame would it be to my dad and mom. Then I thought of hanging myself and within few minutes I hunged myself without thinking anything and anything not even not thinking of the small sister who was sleeping beside me. I regret and I feel sorry for kiling myself and I feel so bad about the loss of my biological existence because I want to live. I regret of suiciding and I would never want anyother to suicide like me. Life’s too precious, however I have been the victim of the society and the social status..and I feel hurt  every moment I feel this. A tag of suicider in my name. I feel bad so bad…

Sweta-: Would not I feel pang dearie…I wish I could spell a magic and make you alive but your biological body is burnt and has already turned into ashes…I wish I could ..I could give you life …that you want to live. I wish…i adrently wish…..

P.S. -: Now I can’t talk with another one…whom I have mentioned in earlier blog…I just cant….it is hurting me..making me feel the immense pain becasue of death.

Nec- Romancer- I

(This is fictional one, I am writing this because I have faced this and also now I am writing a research paper in suicide that is why I am here trying to write about suicide..and talks with the one who have suicided and those died in front of me. The things which are real are informed in parentheisis that these are not fictional)

1. Ravi Dada.. ( My brother who died due to kidney faliure )                  

2. Sarina …( Name changed, whose death cause is unknown, either it was suicide or drug overdose.)

3. Reema …( Name changed , my friend’s sister who suicided )

4. Sandesh Dada ..( My broher’s Mit who died because of drug overdose )

I am writing this fictionally trying to be a nec romancer, the one who talks with the dead ones. This writing is truly imaginative and it belongs to my own thoughts and aspirations. So here are the talks that I am thinking that I will talk with them and the answers I assume that I will get. So this is my own monoply nothing related to any ones life.

Sweta -: Ravi dada, I am Sweta remember ? Your Sano Mama’s daughter. How have you been, its been nearly 5 years. I am sorry I couldn’t visit you when you were in death bed but my mom was there remember that ? My mother had told me how were you talking about and how have you catched your mother’s hand that you didn’t wanted to leave this world? How it feels like leaving the beautiful world that you have spent many years. I feel that dada, how it had been difficult for you to leave, but the reality we need to leave this world like a debt being paid.

Ravi Dada -: Yeah, Sweta I am fine here but the nostalagic image haunts me day an night. I have the soul of mine but don’t have the biological existence called body. I am together with you all in the memories and that is my biological structure but the soul nobody has seen yet and that soul is me. I too miss so many things that I couldn’t do such as marriage ( not fictional ). You know how I wanted to marry and you dad was the one to console me. I feel goodand thankful to your dad, a girls life would have been ruined because her husband’s death was fixed.

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Sweta -: Sarina ( name changed ) , tell me dear friend how were you dead. The cause of your death is not known to anyone dearie. Ambir told me that you died in India, due to drug overdose or you have suicided ? You have married too and that sounded cool but your death news made me cried on the very spot.  Your sweet smiling face haunted me at night to, the low-peej rings that you wore. What the hell is this?, I thought and wanted to meet you desperately, knowing that I can never meet you dear friend. Tell me about you.

Sarina -: Yeah, I have married ( not fictional ) , to a over-aged guy who took me to India and then I was so much frustrated. My drug passion didn’t let me do anything and my husband made me frustrate more and more. You know that I was motherless and a Christian ( not fictional ). I did a big mistake by marrying him and that is why my frustration became more and more and I began to use drug even more than before and one day I thought , it would be better that I kill myself then I thought about the baby that was growing within me. I thought this baby too didn’t have any future and thats why I tried to suicide and it became successful – I died and I don’t have any regrets of leaving the world so much creul. I hated my biological existence and that is why I have no regrets of being dead.

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(The other two conversation would be either updated or be posted in next post )