Posted on January 7, 2024 by Sweta Gyanu Baniya, Ph.D.
I have been wanting to write this blog post since the end of December and yet, I was not able to physically and mentally. Well, 2023 was a better year for sure but overwhelming nonetheless. Good Overwhelming I think or that’s what I might want to believe. Well, my long-term dream of traveling came true! The dreams that were dreamt while writing 100s of people’s air tickets, planning holidays and vacations in Bangkok and Singapore for some big big bigshots, and dreaming that one day, I will also be traveling on a Seat in Coach basis wearing sunglasses and looking around the wonders of the world. The longest daydream ever probably 15-16 years ago. Who was that girl? I am trying to look back and visualize myself writing those Buddha Air or Jet Airways or Thai Airways tickets by my hand in the most beautiful handwriting as a travel agent! A travel agent who had so many dreams, too many to keep track of. Always dreaming, always wanting, always trying to imagine a happy place to be.
To feel Shanti~ peace
To feel happiness & abundance
Peace. That’s the word for 2024!
2023 was a different challenge. A mental health challenge that I had not felt before. It did teach me so much about myself and made me search for questions about life, friends, family, food, health, and well-being. You name it! This has been a year where my long-term travel and research dreams have finally been realized. What did I want more from me and myself and fate? Exactly! Hence, 2023 was a year of realization! Something that I hadn’t done before ~ reflecting on where I am now and unraveling all those boxes and boxes of memories good and bad, right and wrong, happy and sad. All those boxes intersected creating a sort of a map that I had traveled through, pushed through, and made it where I am today! It was a tough year! Well, I fixed my tooth too! Perhaps 10 dental visits and more!
Oh did I mention that I also finished writing my book! This is my first book! Another dream of a ten-year-old girl was to write a book one day! So, 2024 should be exciting!
I am choosing peace & abundance for the year 2024 and taking a big step back! This step back is to be strategic and peaceful. To be minimalistic? Well, I can try at least!
Posted on October 29, 2023 by Sweta Gyanu Baniya, Ph.D.
Photo Copyright me
I often forget that I am the character of my own dreams… That distant imaginary, dreamy, blurry person is real & it is me… It is sad that I often forget what long road I have traveled And, what trauma that I carry within myself and that I keep alive The pain, my friends is hurtful because I am the one, often hurting myself Or thinking about that painful process Fighting with myself and my own inner demons whom I never let fade away But Friends, I don’t lie when I tell you that I am living my own Goddam Dreams! I question myself often: why this looming sadness, Sweta? You seem happy, and how can you be so sad? Well, I don’t know. I crossed very bad two weeks. But now I have come to my own terms on this weather we are blessed with, the clouds, trees, my swing, the land, the house, this pen, diary, every essence around me is echoing to me today: Hey Girl, you are living your own dreams today!
Posted on October 23, 2023 by Sweta Gyanu Baniya, Ph.D.
Today is Nawami Day, the ninth day of the Dashain festival in Nepal, and the day when the doors of Taleju Bhawani temple are open for visitors and worshippers. This is the second Dashain when we desperately waited for the Art Institute of Chicago to return the necklace of Taleju Bhawani necklace and yet, the museum keeps it open on display as its own when it doesn’t belong to it. There has been so much outcry and so many demands, letters, public advocacy, greater journalism pieces and articles, and whatnot… yet for a powerful institution like the Art Institute of Chicago, it doesn’t matter. They are not accountable and they are not respectful towards the larger community in Nepal where people are waiting for the arrival of Taleju Bhawani’s necklace. The more I write and talk about this necklace, everyone I have spoken to (non-Nepalis) has said that the necklace shouldn’t be here and should be sent back to where it belongs – to the Taleju Bhawani who was gifted this necklace. This necklace is not just a piece of exotic art but it was a piece that was worshipped for many years until its disappearance. Many onlookers might not know why it is so important to the Nepali community but this piece is a part of our Goddess and we would like it back and we would like to worship it. Art Institute of Chicago is not allowing this to happen because we have to prove the provenance, we have to prove that it was lost, we have to do all the paperwork, etc. But when there was no paperwork that existed from where we will ever prove that is ours is ours? This is just too ridiculous!
But Goddess will find her way home! When she wants it no one can stop and the pathway will be created. I hope the Art Institute of Chicago realizes that what they are doing is colonial and it is not okay! I will continue to advocate for this and so will many other Nepalis. Hopefully, next Dashain we will take the Goddess Home.
Now it is two years that I stood up next to the necklace and asked for the return of the necklace. But the Art Institute of Chicago is not listening!
We are hopeful and counting the days for Goddesses’ return to Nepal. It will happen. It should happen.
Posted on October 14, 2023 by Sweta Gyanu Baniya, Ph.D.
I am not good enough
I have this inherent belief that “I am not good enough” All my school life, I was made to feel I was not good enough It shaped my being, psyche and of course, that I believed that I was not good enough. I go back to being a child and think about what I used to do when I was told that I was not good enough I always imagined~ I imagined to be good~ I imagined to be a good person like my mother ~ I imagined I would have the best handwriting~ I imagined I would be beautiful ~ I imagined that I was helpful or successful in whatever that meant to me at that time…I imagined I was loved and that I had a partner who would see how good I was inside because for longest time I was made felt that I was ugly. A lot of times my mother was also told that she was not good enough. So, we always heard that about ourselves. You are not good enough. Then what would we know about what being good means? When our imagined realities didn’t match the real world talks that were provided to us as facts. When we were never made to think that we could ever be good. Then we were told we don’t deserve the things we achieved and worked hard for like a mere job? I was 19. How would I know what would make me deserve it? Then I was 25. Same thing. Then I was 26. Same thing Then I was 27. Same thing Then I was 33. Same thing. So who decides what somebody deserves? Who decides that when some is not good enough? Well, today I decide that I don’t buy this narrative.
So, I tell the world that I AM GOOD ENOUGH. My Mother is GOOD ENOUGH. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
This poem is dedicated to my mother and my therapist.
Posted on July 20, 2023 by Sweta Gyanu Baniya, Ph.D.
Always becoming Shifting, changing shapes, colors, sizes Aspiring and moving in between the mountains Chasing this and that Checking off the the list One by One Little carefree cloud Always in the process of becoming… Chasing is exhausting Cloud bursts into the rain And, the Downpour! And, Chasing continues again
Picture by me: Riva San Vitale, Switzerland, July 2023
Posted on January 1, 2023 by Sweta Gyanu Baniya, Ph.D.
What a year 2022 was! I have lost the words to describe the intensity that this year presented to me. The last one like this was in 2012. I had survived 2012 (not alone) and I survived 2022 not alone either. I had chosen the word Hope for my year 2022 but I think at the end of this year, life has opened up all the possible pandora boxes and left me with only hope ~ hope that the next year will be less intense, less uncertain, less painful. Again, what a whirlwind 2022 was! Not everything was negative, there were some positives too! There was a bigger leap in life towards settling down with love and building our nest together for sunshine, rain, and snow in the heart of nature surrounded by ancient trees, deer, and lots of sunshine. Every morning I feel healed by the sunrise so beautiful that it nourishes my inner being. This has become an everyday routine ~ waiting for a sunrise that makes you forget everything. Every morning despite anything ~ the sun still rises~
A beautiful Sunrise scenery from our balcony over the Blue Ridge Mountains, Virginia! And, the hanging ceramic bells from an artisan in Bhaktapur, Nepal.
Well, COVID finally hit me making it difficult to move physically and think of anything with a lot of brain fog and restlessness and tiredness. I am thankful for the vaccine and even though it did hit me pretty hard. I am not leaving my mask again! It was scary to have slept days and nights for so many days and lost the sense of taste and the brain fog that didn’t let me think or work and function well. Yet, I survived because I was lucky enough! It is very difficult to think and fathom that we have lost so many lives to COVID.
Who knew, 2022 will see a WAR! After the world survived a global pandemic, the world witnessed a WAR and nothing could be done to stop it – I can’t believe nearly a year after the Russia-Ukraine war is still ongoing – taking thousands of lives, displacing hundreds of thousands of people, and creating such an upheaval in the globe. Who would have thought that this was in planning and that in this era and time and moment where the world is already wounded, we will suffer due to the actions of fellow human beings? It was crazy to see air strikes, drones, bombed cities, and just seeing people being uprooted. Yet, people are surviving (those who can survive amid this crisis).
Pinda ~ an offering made to our beloved family member on the 13th day of their (swargabas) passing away!
2022 was also a year of loss and grief. As we very much unwillingly and sadly with deep sorrow and pain bid goodbye to our beloved family member who was a matriarch and a pillar for so many of us. To experience loss, to see them lifeless, and to see them burn into ashes ~ I couldn’t believe that this pain this much, this hurt this much. The loss and grief of losing someone and yet to have to perform rituals that slowly try to heal amid the obligation, pain, and suffering. Nothing of this was imagined! But this showed how uncertain life is and how strong one has to be and go deep down to our internal resources to help us survive. And, yet we survived. We all needed to.
As life was challenged with so many uncertainties by 2022. I want the next year to be of strength. It would be nice to be able to get stronger to navigate the uncertainties in life. I know I should have called when I remembered them, I should have listened to their voice one more time, I should have told them that I loved them and thanked them for all they have done to me for helping me by giving me love, care, and affection. I know I should have taken them to do their favorite activity and should have invited them to the US which they wanted to visit so badly. should have…could have…now it is never going to happen like that.
I would like to honor them. Honor them for teaching me many life skills, teaching me to give, teaching me to have fun, teaching me self-care and beauty, teaching me skills that I needed to navigate, teaching me to laugh and sharing their jokes with me and sharing how they navigated the difficulties of patriarchal traditions. We will always love and remember you!
To strength
Yearning to be one with the sea…Puerto Rico, 2022
I am leaving a year of challenges behind. Last year, I wrote that I wanted to do more self-care in 2022 – I am not sure if I did that. But I hope I can do that in 2023 and also gain the strength to navigate whatever uncertainties that 2023 has to bring – good and bad.
Posted on October 4, 2022 by Sweta Gyanu Baniya, Ph.D.
In Nepal, it is early morning on the 9th day of the Dashain festival. The Nawami Day! On this day, the temple of Taleju Bhawani temple in the heart of Kathmandu city opens up to the public. I used to do everything to be there on this day to enter the temple of Taleju Bhawani. The aura of this temple is different as you can undergo a transcendental experience of being one with the Goddess. Something deeply spiritual and some affective moments can occupy you! At least it would do that to me. It is still Asthami day here in the US. However, I am imagining and reminiscing about the Nawami day in Nepal. I imagine that people would have already gathered outside the temple of Taleju Bhawani to visit the Goddess and to offer their love, respect, and devotion.
On this day of Nawami, a lot of Nepalis could have seen the necklace of Taleju Bhawani, had the Art Institute of Chicago returned it to Nepal where the necklace actually belongs. However, this is second Nawami after her necklace was located in the institute, a lot of Nepalis are deprived of seeing the necklace
One year ago, I was at the Art Institute of Chicago, when I saw the necklace of Nepali Hindu Goddess Taleju Bhawani. Within their display and description, they have mentioned: “Necklace Inscribed with the Name of King Pratapamalladeva” and the country of origin as Nepal itself. After a year of lobbying by various lost arts activists like Lost arts of Nepal and Nepal Heritage Recovery Campaign, and many investigations by prominent journalists in Nepal and all over the world, the Art Institute of Chicago continues to confiscate our heritage, our pride, and our Goddess’ necklace.
Exactly, one year later I visited the Taleju Temple in mid-June, 2022. I had by this time and moment thought that the necklace will have been successfully restored. The moment I shared the video, it was picked up by the media, activists, and also the Government of Nepal. The Ministry of Foreign Affairs Tweeted that they have informed the concerned departments and it felt like the necklace would be returned the very next day. However, the Art Institute of Chicago doesn’t seem like wanting to return this necklace. The necklace photographed below belongs to our Goddess, still confiscated by the Art Institute of Chicago. There has been proof sent of how and why this necklace actually belongs to Nepal and how the institute should return this. But what people have heard is NOTHING. The Art Institute of Chicago is doing a powerplay of remaining silent and exercising western power by not returning what belongs to Nepal.
I have personally written a letter and dropped it at the Art Institute of Chicago, went to the museum to protest, and have written many times about how and why the necklace should be returned. There are various published news and articles that hopefully will draw attention. But what the institute does is remains silent. Silence is powerful and the institute knows it. However, it is the responsibility of the museum to return the sacred items and stolen artifacts to its own space. By doing this the institute is standing up against illegal trafficking and buying selling but is fulfilling the larger purpose of being a museum. By returning this necklace the museum will be:
Adhering to the UNESCO Framework a framework for theft prevention and the return and restitution of stolen cultural property
Standing up against the theft, illegal trafficking, and buying-selling of these artifcats
Fulfilling the responsibility to the Nepalis by returning the stolen artifact and not depriving Nepali people of their history and culture
Helping to strengthen the social cohesion in Nepal
Lastly, doing the very right thing
Today, on this day of Nawami, we hope and desperately pray for the return of the Goddess’ necklace. One day, our Goddess’s voice will be heard. We all will be heard. Art Institute will break its silence. There is no room for injustice in the current world.
Taleju Temple is on the far right as seen in Kathmandu. Photo: Sweta Baniya
Posted on January 1, 2022 by Sweta Gyanu Baniya, Ph.D.
To Hope…(Shenandoah National Park, November 2021)
How did a whole year pass by amid covid and chaos? Seconds by seconds and minutes by minutes ~ time passed at its own pace~ unstoppable as it is ~ neither slow nor fast but at its own pace. However, it does feel like a whole year passed in a blink as we all lived through COVID-19 – grieving, thriving, and masking up ourselves and doing the best we could to survive when surviving has been challenged. And, by calling surviving a challenge, it definitely has been a challenge ~ to some a lot and to some very less. While we were lucky to get vaccinated and boosted, there are many in the world who haven’t and some of them include our relatives and close ones. And, how long this will last as the world continues to suffer through this pandemic?
Negative Covid Test 12.31.2021
Well, who knew we will reach nearly half a million positive cases this week here in the USA! What a scary thought? And, we are heading towards another year of uncertainty with this disease. Currently, I am in America where I cannot find a COVID test that is available even though I have symptoms that are similar to COVID-19 which were terrible but now I am improving. The systems are yet again overwhelmed and so are we. However, I could get an “At home” test that tested negative~ what a privilege to have. What a privilege it is to feel negative for COVID-19 while I cannot move out of the couch as I do not have any energy (except for typing, I guess) due to the FLU like symptoms. From reading COVID-19 symptoms over and over again to testing the fever with a thermometer every 30 minutes ~ this is giving me paranoia ~ of course.
To Hope~~ and to the flow
However, there are a few things that I am looking forward to in 2022 and I am grateful that I am alive. And, I hope that everyone has something to look forward to. Like I told to my girlfriends ~ 2022 is my year! This is my year of choosing self-care and self-love. And, I am looking forward to so much self-care and self-love and whatever that might look like.
Taleju Bhawani’s Necklace on Display at the Art Institute of Chicago. Pic: Dr. Abhilasha Shresthat. 12.10.2021
At the moment, it is 10:30 PM in Chicago. I have just returned back to my hotel after watching a baseball game. I am tired but I can’t sleep. I am in shock and surprise and my heart is just going back to the Art Institute in Chicago where I found something stolen from my country, from my Goddess – openly displayed in pride to thousands of visitors. I found Taleju Bhawani’s necklace supposedly gifted by King Pratapmalla (r 1641-74) somewhere around the 17th century here in Chicago. This necklace which belongs to my Goddess Taleju Bhawani, which was supposed to be in Nepal– was here – in Chicago-in an open display to thousands of visitors who have no idea of the religious and spiritual value to me and many other folks like me.
Yesterday, after coming to Chicago after a two hours drive, we went directly to the Art Institute of Chicago. We had planned specifically to come here and specifically to see Taleju Bhawani’s lost/stolen necklace. As I entered the “Indian, Southeast Asian, and Himalayan Art” section which was titled “Alsdrof Galleries”- my heart started throbbing and I started to tremble. Many tourists who were visiting were taking selfies with our Gods openly displayed. As I entered, a big statue of Lord Gautam Buddha was there, staying silent as the visitors took selfies. As I roamed around, my memories went back to Kathmandu~ my hometown ~ the city of temples ~where every street has Gods and Goddesses and temples. But this was not a temple, there was no holiness about this space, it was a museum and not a sacred space where our Gods and Goddesses reside and/or are kept with the highest belief and value.
I wanted to see the necklace. I found the necklace carefully curated inside a glass box. When I first took a glance at the necklace, I started to cry, my body started to tremble, and I was overpowered with emotions. I joined my hands together and kept on bowing down to my dearest Goddess Taleju Bhawani crying. I couldn’t see her necklace being displayed like this and started to bow down and pray. I don’t know if I was supposed to do this while there were a lot of onlookers but I couldn’t help myself. She is the Goddess of our Kathmandu valley. The marks of century-long vermillion powder were still there, signifying that this piece was worshipped as a part of Taleju Bhawani and probably worn by the Goddess herself or as noted in the description also by the then King Pratapmalla. There was a strange piece of information: “the gift of Alsdrof foundation” which made me google the foundation which doesn’t yield substantial information. How did they find this? From whom did they purchase this? Why did they decide to donate? How long did they keep this necklace hidden and why? All those questions came to my mind.
The major question in my mind however was still: Why is Taleju Bhawani’s necklace here? What is this necklace doing here? How did this necklace end up here?
Taleju Bhawani Temple in Kathmandu, Nepal. Pic: Dr. Abhilasha Shrestha
While being overwhelmed with emotions, anger, confusion, I contemplated the Temple of Taleju Bhawani (picture above) which opens only once a year for the public. Every year on the day of Navami, I would go to Taleju Bhawani mandir to worship her, to feel her power, and to get a transcendental experience. However, one can never see the idol of the Goddess (at least I never saw one). I was told that only the essence of the Goddess is brought on display in the form of a Kalash. Taleju Bhawani herself resides at the Dashain Ghar which isn’t open to the public and she lives in the human form as the Kumari – the living Goddess of Nepal.
In my other interaction with respected Priest Uddhavman, I had asked him “since you are the major pujari, please tell me how does the Goddess looks, how is she like, what form is she in” and he had replied, “the Goddess is a Bindu, a point and here I give you this point in the form of tika from my hands that have touched the Goddess.” This sentence has never left my life. Though Pujari Ji might not remember my name, he changed my perception of religion that day. The Goddess is within me always, all the time. Hence, since then I have always felt a spiritual connection with the Goddess but this sentence reaffirmed it.
Yesterday, to see the necklace of the Goddess, her property, her gift – stolen, ripped off from her, sold, and then “gifted” to a museum and displayed to thousands of onlookers – broke my heart. I felt helpless as I remembered Uddhavman Pujari Ji’s words as I shed my tears. While my question was answered, I was seeing her necklace to be exposed and to be viewed by everyone who may not have a spiritual connection like I do, who may not have the same beliefs that I do, and who may or may not care that stolen pieces should never be in public display – and it should be returned.
Yesterday, Taleju Bhawani invited me to tell the world that her stolen piece is here. I, my phone, technology, the internet all of us in combination, we became a medium to communicate to many people back home that it is the time that the Art Institute in Chicago should return this piece.
Taleju Bhawani wants her stolen property, her gift, her necklace back. The Goddess wants to go back.
I appeal to the Art Institute of Chicago, to help our Goddess return her property home. Help return a stolen necklace to our Goddess.
Updated:
On December 10, 2021, I visited the Art Institute of Chicago Again and I found that even after raising our voice six months ago, the necklace was still there. It wasn’t a surprise but even with raising our voice against it, we were unheard. After my tweet, there was so much discussion about how it should be returned. Even the Ministry of Foreign Affairs had tweeted that they sent a request to the US Embassy and the concerned department. However, the necklace was still there. Hence, I would like to do another appeal of returning the necklace to Nepal.
Return Taleju Bhawani’s Necklace. Picture by Dr. Abhilasha Shrestha. 12/10/2021 at the Art Institute of Chicago
Posted on October 1, 2021 by Sweta Gyanu Baniya, Ph.D.
I want to write today ~ but not my academic paper that needs to be written but about horses, sheep and hills ~ they call those mountains here. I share my solace with these animals here in Blacksburg.
I just heard a ding from pomodoro timer but I am ignoring it. I have no reason specific for that but I am just loving how I am listening to music and arranging the pictures of these horses. I never get tired of these horses and I hope I will never do so.
Blake is the white horse in this picture and she is the horse with whom I am most connected to. For me she is Taleju Bhawani’s Bahan ~ straight from heaven. She is heavenly because she transcends the boundaries of material world and connects me with the Divine Devi ~ the Goddess. On Tuesday, I hugged her and cleaned her stall and she allowed me to do so. She didn’t complain, she just let me be and welcomed me in her stall. I secretly used to feed her carrots but I don’t do that anymore. I also fed her delicious grasses. She makes me forget the world and all the worries. I never had any such connections with any animals before I met Blake. I also share this passion with my other horse loving friend who has inspired me to take horse riding classes.
In Blake’s world, there are many of her horse friends, siblings, foals, and other pregnant mares. Horses have varied personalities. Some are so kind like Willie, Del Fino, Story, even Dragonfly. Some are a little angry, demanding, but inherently they are so lovely. The barn life is another fish bowl for me, and I am just an outsider but I am loving every moment that I can have in Blake’s horse.
Pictures: All pictures are taken by me and are under my copyright etc. Use of this picture without my permission isn’t allowed.
The Coffee House Revival (Excavating Freedom) 