Sunday blues !

This is the story written in stream of consciousness technique …..

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He came home being drunk as usual…the child is sleeping he doesn’t cares….I am waiting him with a hungry stomach….he really doesn’t cares…..I am so desperate for his words….he is damn indifferent…

Shaili, come on girl …wake up….you are getting late for your class…No mom….No….I don’t want to go to college today….I have unironed clothes and my hair is so dirty……I don’t know when this girl is growing up….

Mom….I need more biskut( biscuit) …says 3 year old Satish…No..more biscuit dear…you need to eat lunch soon….No No I need biskut…I need some more biskut….He starts crying …..

I stood numb…Why doesn’t he cares?….Why is he so much indifferent? I have been searching reasons what mistake I have done…..I stood numb as always….Biskut…Biskut….

Satish stop yelling….No more Biskut….Call your papa for lunch….

Oh ! your papa is here….

All that’s dream – II

(This is the story written by me in Stream Of Consciusness technique , just trying a new  thing in writing …nothing related to anybody’s personal life , the Part -I is below this post )

 

Unlike other day , I am empty handed today. No vegetables and no any shopping. What should I do, there were protest going around there. What if Bardan again..Bardan again…No No I am defending myself today..I will shout if he does that, I will beat him if he does that. But can I beat him like that. Can I shout like him, Can I or Can I not, should I or should I not. What should I do??.

These vegetables are so dirty, Bardan would not eat these if he sees this. Let me cook his favourite dish today, but would he feel good and better, or or … or would he again shout. No, why would he shout if I am not the one who caused the Protest. The shops were closed at Ason and this is the reason I could not buy anything today. But it was not my fault.

It was not my fault. Was it my fault ? Was it my fault ?

I think I should cook now. Bardan will come being hungry.

Oh that hug was awesome. Awesome…and awesome. I still feel the emotions……the moment of ecstatic pleasure which Bardan could never give me.

Hey what I am thinking. What if Bardan knows this ? He loves me so much but if he loves me then why he beats me because because

It was not my fault. Its nature ‘s fault , what if I could not give him…

Oh dear again I should stop thinking that

Hey its already six….Its time he will arrive. But why he is not home yet. What has happened ? Has he …no he may not..has he …oh dear has he ….or not..

Has he started coming home late ?? But why he has started coming home late??…

Is this my fault too…unlike that..unlike the fault that I could not…I am unable…to carry his sperm in my body…

The food is ready now. Yeah I am hungry too but but I can’t eat till Bardan arrives….till Bardan arrives

But that Hug was awesome..that makes me feel woman. Bardan never had feelings and he could not arouse feelings inside me. His touch never makes my spine hot with passion , like that simple hug was which creates passion in me till today.

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I am married now I should not think about other men now. What if Bardan feels that I am betraying him, where shall I go if he kicks me out from the house. That one who had hug me long time ago is lost somewhere, I think I will not recognize his face now. How shall I conslose him and how shall I consloe my heart and soul that are bounded by the so called marriage with Bardan.

This picture is so cool, I look so young in this one, how Bardan had catched my hand in the weeding day and how I was blushed like never before and how my friends had teased me and how my heart had beated that day, how much had it palpitated.

What about the first night???

This picture is good too where my family is looking so happy. Mom Oh Mom why you have left me …Mom do you remember how naughty was I Mom how I argued with you when I needed to thread my eyebrows for the first time, while I troubled you a lot. Dear mom now you are not with me. Dear mom I am missing you. Dear mom you have told me once that when I will have my own child I will know all these things but mom why why nature didn’t gave me chance to born my own child. Dear Mom why is the reason I am childless. Dear mom …oh dear mom..he beats me mom..dear mom..

Dilasha…why are you not opening the door..Dilasha..are you there …

Yes I am here wait …

Oh ! why you look so pale today, Dilasha…

Well, nothing Bardan.

Dineer is ready, why are you late today…??  I am so hungry today.

Then why you waited me just for the sake of waiting ??  And did you buy those things that I have given you..

Oh the dinner is ready come and eat dear…

Seems like you are going out of mind these days…and why can;t you do anything nicely.

Why Bardan is talking like this, does he knows about that hug, that awesome hug..oh I am feeling passion now…Has he found out that I was thinking of that hug. Has he known that person. Oh dear why Bardan is talking like this.

Give me some dal..Can you hear me?? Give me some dal..

Oh sure wait…

Should I tell the truth that I could not buy anything because of the revolution, because of rallies that made me unable to buy anything..

Should I tell him that he was unable to give me satisfaction..Should I tell him that it is he, who is infertile..

Should I tell him that I want my baby like my grandmom had my mom had me, like Samrita has, like the moms who carry their baby ..in their womb, like they carry them in their lap.

Should I tell him that I want baby…

Why are you awake Dilasha…sleep now…

Turn off the light…

Didn’t you hear me turn off the light.

Can’t you hear me ?… You stupid woman turn off the light now.

All that’s dream -I

( This is my first try to write Stream of Consciousness Technique of writng trying to make what I am learning at college these days and of which I have been always fascinate. In  Stream of Conscious technique the writer gives the direct access to the characters mind or psyche without intervention. In this technique the sense perception mingles with conscious and sub-conscious thought.

(Here goes the story )

“It was a simple hug , nothing had happened more than that. For you it was simple hug but for me it was ecstasy that I had felt”. Oh! I had felt that. Shame oh!! shame, how can I think of other man now.

She has dream, I have dream, the birds running freakly has dream, the flowers have dream, the dream of colouring the petals with most beautiful collage, the fly , the moth, the dog and her babies , the girl who has her hais pigtail may have her own dream, the mother running to catch the bus of her children may have her own dream. They all can dream, dream the world they want to live and in which they live.

“I too can dream , Can’t I”

It lasted few seconds but the warmth of the hug was awesome. My hands are getting colder, I am blushing now. But why I am blushing now. I am feeling the heat in the spine. But why I am feeling this heat. I think my eybrows need threading now. Oh! what about the milk boiling in the kitchen. Hurry ! Hurry ! run !! run !!. Thank god it had not boiled over……..

Pigtail hair mom used to tie, ironed smart dress, a tiffin box with the delicious macaroni in it. How I used to eat that before the lunch time, sometime even when the teacher was teaching, oh the lips are streching now. The smart look, the heavy bag which disappointed me. The books that I used to forget and the punishment to stand up in the bench. Those were the days, days of the perfect life.

See!! how my hands are wrinkled now. Dear O’ Dear My face is wrinkled too. I think I need to buy that excellent wrinkle-lift cream.

Oh! that hug was awesome……..

How that arms had grabbed me, my body and I was unable to move but I was able to feel. How much I was suffocating because of my chest pressed in that chest.

Hello, Whos speaking ? Oh ! Samrita ..how have you been, hows the little boy. Well, I am fine. Did he started calling you mom ? and Hows Bidhan, give my regards to him. Take care dearie, yes I will to take care. Bye Bye..See you soon.

The air so fresh today, it is so cool and making me feel the chill. I would have love the chill but…Its too cold today. I am feeling so romantic.

I think he is home….

You arrived too early today ??

Yes, today I am little unwell, said Bardan. What have you cooked ? I am so hungry, today.

I have, well nothing but will give you a hot coffee first then I shall cook, till then you be fresh.

I have brought you something, Dilasha…come here.

Wow!! A diamond Necklace, Bardan you must be crazy but I am really happy. I shall wear it in Binita’s marriage. Oh I ….Oh I …….

That hug was awesome.

This necklace is beautiful too. Let me wear it once. Oh this suits me a lot, hey my neck has been wrinkled too. Oh dear this necklace doesn’t looks beautiful. This is so ugly, this necklace is so ugly. He must not have brought this ugly necklace. I am not wearing it anymore.

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People here and people there. They are carrying fire in their hand. Chanting anti-royalist slogans. I am closing my ears. Oh they are violent. They are throwing stones. The Newroad is tensed too. Basantapur..they are gathering there. Police are there, women, men, tramp like children.

I need to buy so many things. I think I lost the list Bardan has given me. Oh again he shall shout like last time-: “You don’t have mind or what, can’t you do anything nice”.

Oh that warmth was awesome. The hug, that made me feel so cool eventhough the blood in my veins were so hot. The passions were so ecsatic…

Oh I need to go home now…I think I can’;t buy anything in this market….

Better go home

Taxi!!!! Taxi!!!

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( The story will be concluded in next part )