Sunday blues !

This is the story written in stream of consciousness technique …..

………………………………..

He came home being drunk as usual…the child is sleeping he doesn’t cares….I am waiting him with a hungry stomach….he really doesn’t cares…..I am so desperate for his words….he is damn indifferent…

Shaili, come on girl …wake up….you are getting late for your class…No mom….No….I don’t want to go to college today….I have unironed clothes and my hair is so dirty……I don’t know when this girl is growing up….

Mom….I need more biskut( biscuit) …says 3 year old Satish…No..more biscuit dear…you need to eat lunch soon….No No I need biskut…I need some more biskut….He starts crying …..

I stood numb…Why doesn’t he cares?….Why is he so much indifferent? I have been searching reasons what mistake I have done…..I stood numb as always….Biskut…Biskut….

Satish stop yelling….No more Biskut….Call your papa for lunch….

Oh ! your papa is here….

Aren’t you eating with us…..? No…I won’t..But why…I ask everytime in order to get a reasonable answer….But he lefts without speaking a word…I remain silent….as always having Sunday blues….

I keep on looking at the gate…hoping to see him there……I imagine him bringing me so many things…toys for our child….

Was it a fulfillment of compulsion of his mom….my mother in law that he and I have this baby together and then we are apart….Apart so far that never being together again…..

I try hard….

Shaili mom says….you are growing thin….I say Mum its not a big problem….I don’t want to be fat…or thin…I am good myself…

I wish I could be what he wants….He….who never looks at me…he…who never cares for me

Why should I try to be beautiful….? I want to throw all the cosmetics outside the window…they never impress him at all…..I try to be beautiful….He doesn’t bothers…I try to be ugly…he never looks at me….Never he has the feeling…

Satish…he should care for him…He does it never….

How indifferent can a man be….? He doesn’t cares what is happening under his nose….He doesn’t cares about his wife…his child..his home…just his money and nothing else more….

I waited 4 years for knowing the fact….I could not ….but now I know I had to read the pages of the diary…..that he lefts on the table….scribbles daily….I never touch his things….because I respect privacy….

I have to read it…..

( To be or not to be……Hamlet’s confusion )

I am feeling the same….to read or not to read…..

………………………..

Diary….October 12

The first date….She was looking gorgeous….I felt this never before….I tried to capture her image….but she deleted it….I joked ….I laughed….I had cups of coffee….My pulse was high…..but I controlled it….She never looks into my eyes…Shy she is ….as always….She tries to avoid my gazing eyes at her….we chat a lot….She is getting late….but I want to stay there more….My heart is thumping….I remember my home….what they are planning for me…this girl is so unknown….No one knows besides this girl and me….but we don’t express it anyways….We don’t try to express that we actually feel different for each other….

October 15

Our date continues….we had more than 20 cups of coffee today….we decided to be in a relationship….but I was confused….My family is so unknown about it….I don’t want anyone to know about this…How can I marry a Newar girl….out of my capacity….out of my imagination…Still I am so dependent upon her that I can never get away from her….She occupies my whole day….numerous calls…smses….and so many feelings…dreams…and emotions….She is really happy…I love so much….

October 22

I need to go back home….We are in relationship for a week….Its such a wonderful feeling…to be with her…I want to be with her my whole life…grow old with her….I love her….

October 27

At my home….they are planning my marriage…what would I tell her…would she ‘cooperate’….She must….I love her that is enough….but would she agree….I fell from stairs today…thinking about her…Innocent little child like girl…with pretty eyes….

October 30

I have to go with family’s decision…She cries whole night in telephone….I can’t show her my tears….I can’t say her I am crying…I don’t cry at all….I hide away my feelings….I am a Man….!!! I can’t stop her….I can’t console her…She cries like its a big flood…..I let her cry….I let her cry….with imagination that…She might have cried if I had wed her…….Innocent Tears….!!!

November 05

I meet her again…to see her tears…to bid her farewell…that I am marrying another girl…I dare to call her …in my marriage…She was sure that She will get a call….Innocent…I am leaving her forever….forever and all….I see her tears again and get satisfaction with the imagination that….these are the same tears that will fall…..I assure her of my Moral Support whenever she needs it….I assure her of everything…but she doesn’t knows the reality….reality bites….it really does….I am not going to look her face again…the innocent eyes….I kiss her eyes….

Farewell My love….Farewell !!!!

( To be continued….)

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8 Responses

  1. Hmmm…this surely got me thinking!

  2. woow….. a masterpiece from ‘mahila ansu kabi’….. congrats……………

  3. Eagerly waiting for next post…!

  4. Flawless writing;
    waiting for the remaining pages of the diary 🙂

  5. story is super…with full of love, feelings and hate…
    theres many thing in this story…anyway, i salute ur creativeness…ur writing…keep it up…
    🙂

  6. wow love your blog……….
    i guess somewhere we both are in same state of mind and our blog also contains same kinda posts ………….
    LOVE the most beautiful thing ………………………. the most sweetest feeling ………………………….
    we are in love the internal feeling inside ………………….. the sweetness of the feeling we are expressing ……………..
    sweet part of love …………………… the emotions ……………..the girly part of our emotion………………. the feeling of being not understood ………….. being ignored ………….. being suppressed………… not reveling true inside…………….. being introvert
    but this is the way we enjoy love ………………….mast in our own worlds in our own feelings
    feeling are sometimes true and sometimes illusion
    enjoy love thats all i want to say and be happy

  7. Happy Valentine’s day to all the lovers around the world. Love, passion and compassion that is what ruined the life of us. The writing clearly reflects the improper relation between two lovers and the conservative way of being together even they are very far from each other (in relation). Its a nice writing and waiting to read your next post soon. Keep writing.
    Don’t forget to watch nepali movies for free and send us your comment.
    very nice.

  8. Awww… how mean, and how stupid, how coward that fellow is… he not only destroyed his own life, but the lives of his girlfriend, his wife and his children…
    An instance of how indecisiveness could ruin lives. “How can I marry a Newar girl’ re… how can people be so irrational, so coward, so ‘mean’?

    Sweti, nice story-telling here.

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