To Shanti

I have been wanting to write this blog post since the end of December and yet, I was not able to physically and mentally. Well, 2023 was a better year for sure but overwhelming nonetheless. Good Overwhelming I think or that’s what I might want to believe. Well, my long-term dream of traveling came true! The dreams that were dreamt while writing 100s of people’s air tickets, planning holidays and vacations in Bangkok and Singapore for some big big bigshots, and dreaming that one day, I will also be traveling on a Seat in Coach basis wearing sunglasses and looking around the wonders of the world. The longest daydream ever probably 15-16 years ago. Who was that girl? I am trying to look back and visualize myself writing those Buddha Air or Jet Airways or Thai Airways tickets by my hand in the most beautiful handwriting as a travel agent! A travel agent who had so many dreams, too many to keep track of. Always dreaming, always wanting, always trying to imagine a happy place to be.

To feel Shanti~ peace

To feel happiness & abundance

Peace. That’s the word for 2024!

2023 was a different challenge. A mental health challenge that I had not felt before. It did teach me so much about myself and made me search for questions about life, friends, family, food, health, and well-being. You name it! This has been a year where my long-term travel and research dreams have finally been realized. What did I want more from me and myself and fate? Exactly! Hence, 2023 was a year of realization! Something that I hadn’t done before ~ reflecting on where I am now and unraveling all those boxes and boxes of memories good and bad, right and wrong, happy and sad. All those boxes intersected creating a sort of a map that I had traveled through, pushed through, and made it where I am today! It was a tough year! Well, I fixed my tooth too! Perhaps 10 dental visits and more!

Oh did I mention that I also finished writing my book! This is my first book! Another dream of a ten-year-old girl was to write a book one day! So, 2024 should be exciting!

I am choosing peace & abundance for the year 2024 and taking a big step back! This step back is to be strategic and peaceful. To be minimalistic? Well, I can try at least!

Cheers to the new year!

Living your own dreams!

Photo Copyright me

I often forget that I am the character of my own dreams…
That distant imaginary, dreamy, blurry person is real & it is me…
It is sad that I often forget what long road I have traveled
And, what trauma that I carry within myself and that I keep alive
The pain, my friends is hurtful because I am the one, often hurting myself
Or thinking about that painful process
Fighting with myself and my own inner demons whom I never let fade away
But Friends,
I don’t lie when I tell you that I am living my own Goddam Dreams!
I question myself often: why this looming sadness, Sweta?
You seem happy, and how can you be so sad?
Well, I don’t know. I crossed very bad two weeks. But now I have come to my own terms on this weather we are blessed with, the clouds, trees, my swing, the land, the house, this pen, diary, every essence around me is echoing to me today:
Hey Girl, you are living your own dreams today!

Some hand written poetry today!

On your 9th Year ~Coffee House

Dear Coffee House,

This has been a quite journey! I can’t believe it has been 9 years that I have with you. As you and I both grow together~we have faced so many things, from pride and sense of achievement to emotional breakdown! This year, I am using Moomin Themed Birthday post. I love this cartoon by Tove Jansson  because they are deeply philosophical and teach us about life and how to be happy in the simple and small things. 

Having said that, each year I complain I can’t write, I am not being able to write or I just don’t have time to write! But you have existed in all these emotional tantrums of mine because you know how much passionate I am about writing, reading! 

I have devalue myself~ I say to people I don’t have any hobby, I can’t perform any DIY, sing, dance, paint, crochet, and so on~but I never tell that I can write! I never tell them and to myself that poetry flows in me, never tell anyone that I am creating a fiction in my head with the striking conversation that I am having with them! And, never acknowledge myself as a writer because I seek validity from outside and what I have never done is validate myself as a writer, as a poet! 

To write, again!

The gorgeous leaves at West Lafayette, November 2016.

It was true. Fall was majestic. It made me live color by color. Those gorgeous trees, fallen leaves, the smell of those maple trees filled me with immense sensuality. But, still ~ my fingers couldn’t type and I couldn’t write. 

I would capture trees one after another, their fallen leaves in my phone. I would collect those leaves one by one, color bycolor to keep them safe because I loved them. I would change my wallpapers in laptop, mobile, update my Facebook cover picture~ but still I wouldn’t write. I would refrain from writing.

The fallen Jacaranda leaves, Kathmandu, May 2016

 ( *Monologue* I would remember, I would miss ~ The purple Jacaranda blossom in Kathmandu~ both are beautiful ~ but no one wrote about that pretty blue fall with such an emotional intensity except Parijat~But, I desire to read more than that ~I yearn to feel it similar like the way I felt Fall in words). But it was true that Fall was installing a hope for happiness in me. It was true that it gave me joy to hold by. It gave made me feel love again. How? I don’t know! But, I can’t lie~ I was falling in love with the magic of nature for the umpteenth time. 

You are 6! Warm Birthday Dear Blog

Dear Coffee House,

You have seen me blocked for so long, not writing a single word or even scribbling a single word any where, more than that forgetting your existence – I sometimes didn’t logged in for a month! But you resisted and I came back to you time and again, because you are the only one with whom I can be so true, with whom I can share my within with and write and write and write without thinking anything, anyone or any repercussions.

You and I are both like a Phoenix ~ we tend to rise out of our own ashes when we complete burning ourselves alive. I know people don’t read you these days as they used to read you but there are few who have always cared about you and I both. They have always cherished me and more than me they have cherished you because you are so wonderful to them, they love you ~ I swear I have heard many saying that ~ they love you more than me ~ Well very few love me ~ you are the one, right? I know you are giving your half smile when you are reading this line ~ believe me ~ your smile kills me.

I must praise your perseverance,  Dear Blog. You have been so much struggling to bring a writer out of me by forcing me to write on and on. Even though I have ignored you most of the time and didn’t write a word for months ~ you existed ~ you existed because you are so strong and you are made strong by the visitors and the readers who visit you time and again ~ they keep you and I both alive in fact. Still, I praise you for your silence and being there always when I come back out of blue, frustration or sometimes with an intense desire to pour myself drop by drop or word by word. Where else, will I go? Rather than coming to you.

Dear Coffee House,

Five Complete Years – Happy Birthday Blog

Happy Birthday Coffee House ( Source: Google.com)

Had always a flair for writing, reading — It started with writing diary — short poems advocating Child Rights then under the teenagey -whims — the poems turned Romantic– Whoa! Then it turned out to be secret letters or or secret love poems of love written for the then crushes (which were hyper-romantic) only to be read in front of best buddies — it was 2000- onwards. I still remember a line “He will be in Tuxedo and I in red flowing gown/ He asks why are you so shy/ You are looking at me that’s why” . I feel funny now!

After school friends were left behind and I went to seek my own destiny — all alone — Diary writing became rigorous. I wrote a lot of pages — of just everything — poems, monologues, frustrations or even about the movies I watched or places I visit or about my Chinese classes. — Then after learning Chinese language — to keep my diary secret I began writing in Chinese — It was 2004-6. When I look back it now — I don’t understand my own Chinese writing 😦 — but I want to read what was such a big secret for me that time — I really want to get back to myself.

Internet was so fascinating– Many friends were flying abroad — Many senior cousins were already in USA — Email writing became a hobby — Also when I had to write Emails to Dad’s frens on “penpal.com” – Email writing became a hobby. MSN became more lovelier — when you could talk with your friends Hi5 was so fascinating –then there was a section which attracted me — Journal. Then when I read my friend’s journals — I was so tempted to write my own. This was 2007.

2008 – Gifted with me this blog – a space of my own – a room of one’s own (Like Virginia Woolf said)– It was a crazy moment- suddenly you were on the web — blog was as much as like a personal website — your poems, stories, monologues are not just limited to you diary — it was accessible to a large swathe of public. More fascinating was your blog was on google too 🙂 :). Blog became a passion, craziness for writing evolved. It was also because people started reading you, praising your writings and making comments.

Thinking to write

Actually I wanted to write a poem, then I thought I need to write something else, I have already posted a poem then I thought to write something else. Yes blogging has become a passion my friend thanks for teaching such an wonderful thing…I am really enjoying it. I told this ADSL sucks….really…It was so hard to open a page and perhaps it is working or not working..thank god this page has opened. Guess what I am not feeling sleepy…it is 10:05 PM…its some forty five minutes I am back from office..and I must have been tired but I am busy typing these words here. ( Also I am listening to song a hindhi song..Pal Pal..dil ke pass….Mei saas leta huu..teri khusboo aati hai..)

After many days I am listening to the song and when I listen song then I want to write…but I never write what I am feeling when I am listening to the song…So, should I write about my feelings here …what I am feeling hearing this song Pal Pal..dil ke …Passs….no I am not writing the feeling..( Shhhh secret….). Listening song is letting your tiredness gone…I want to remove this tiredness that is why I am busy typing words here and listening to these songs….( I need to leave these hindhi songs I think…they are making me contemplate…)

“It must have been love” I like to hear this song time and again because I love the song simply…

So, I was thinking to post a blog here…hey I think wordpress is not working too …( Damn..this ADSL…it sucks….). I think I need to copy all those above words if I want to save my typed words..hey it is working now…I am also chatting to a friend….It is 10:15 now…I am not feeling sleepy..No college tomorrow so no need to wake up at 5:00….( I hate to go to college…)

I am enjoying my work at Radio Nepal a lot because I love the work environment there and it is so fun working with the real senior people..Komal Oli fo example..we call her Komal Didi and she is a real good woman..she speaks so sweetly…so lovely …and other all are too good people…I am just desperate to go on air..but I am fearing the studio so much…my voice…one can easily figure out that I am too nervous…I need to improve a lot. I need to go on air…I need to read news…

So, I think I am too tired now and I am feeling too sleepy too..this song in my ears ( Eddie Vedder with Nusrat Fateh Ali khan..The long road) is making me feeling sleepy too. Oh…Streets of love….I love this song so much…I am not sleeping that means…..the song potrays me…my feelings…and the word street hits my heart….kaso  ??

I was thinking to write and I don’t know what I wrote..I didn’t had any topic to write..but this passion of me and it makes me to write the more I think..the more I want to write. By the way..When my college is going to run our classes..

A new Passion

Why after all I write? I don’t even know the answer of this question. A friend asked the question and I was thinking what to give answer. I think I write to express myself and I do it passionately. Everything I write is I write about my unexpressed feelings, my hidden desires and my thoughts which I can’t share with anyone. Now writing has become a passion. I want to write about everything and everything that I experience in my life. But however I can’t because certain things are to be censored and this prevents me from expressing myself fully. Something’s are to be hidden ni hoina?

But I hate hiding things, I want to express everything. Perhaps I needed a friend with whom I could share everthing but me unlucky never blessed with such friends. Hey I am blessed with numerous friends I I told I am not then it would be injustice to them. My best friend Sanju is in SIngapore and I miss her a lot more than anything. Perhaps in her absence I have become this and to make myself away from the lonliness I am writing. Blogging has become a passion indeed. I am very new to this blogging world and as someone had told I am really enjoying blogging world. I am thankful to him that this was an appropriate platform and he is responsible somehow for my writings. LOL!!

Blogging has become a passion because it is so easy and thanks to dad for the ADSL net. Without this too my blogging would not have been a passion. I am happy writing these words here and to get comments from my friends is what I love. I don’t want blogging be addiction like chatting. Hey! I am not addicted to chatting hai…but I love chatting and I really love it. I am talking about blogging here it is a new hobby to write my feelings, my experiences and my feelings. I am being away from my diary because I am too involved in blogging like this.

Its 7:30 PM and today is Friday. I love fridays because after friday comes Saturday and I love resting Saturdays.

The above words were saved yesterday night and now today it is Saturday. I love saturdays and I just love my lose resting and eating hours. But today I am busy I need to go to Gurukul,,,I love going there. I was talking about a new passion that has been capturing my mind like anything. I am being away from books and writing ( hand writing ) because I am busy blogging. Whenever there is time I am blogging and I find this new passion really interesting.

I want to write write and write. But I know there are no standarsds in my writing. But I am sure I can develop a standard of myself. I need to learn a lot. Perhaps these above words are also the result of my reading my friend’s or my idol’s blog. Yes, the credit goes to the creator of this blog. I even didnot knew what was a blog infact. Thanks to him. I am really enjoying blogging.

I write I know but my writings are little childsih I believe. More that simple and language they are flowery and they do not make sense. I feel pity why after all i have not heard my teacher’s words that “Sweta you just write but there is nothing inyour writing just your language is good.” I am taking this seriously..Shishir sir…I am now realizing how much writing is important for me. Also my new friend gave me suggestion to seek words and I am doing that I am trying to see dictionary when ever I have free time. Thanks to you.

A new passion is what I love and I am loving it like anything. I love writing listening music. Like I am doing right now I am listening this song “Mitwa” from the movie Laagan and this is energizing me. The song is soothing and enlighting. And I love doing this two things together.

So, this may be the answer of question of my friend “Why do you write spaces?” It is simply because I love writing.

P.S. A new passion is making me feel so good. That I am loving it 🙂