Restless

Restless I am feeling..

Restless this thing is thumping…

Wanting to stop this beating thing..

Wanting to hide the scar paining..

Restless I am feeling…

Restless this thing is thumping..

The injured thing..is hard to handle…

Restlessly it thumps…making me insane..

Insane feeling…here I am….

Unable to feel yes the feeling..

This vacant eyes …searching instantly…

This overflowing feelings…

This thing thumping…

Mothic Future

I am looking at those fluttering moths

Hovering around the light so bright

In the midst of this dark night

Searching for the warmth they are …

Wanting the warmth..

Warmth that is all in vain..

I imagine a “mothic Future”..so much uncertain

They hover around to make themself warm

Unaware they are all in charm,

Getting the fake warmth

More moths came fluttering…

Hovering as others did..

Soon I observe,

Them falling

They are falling…

Oh my God said I…

“They are dying”..

Their future so uncertain…a mothic Future…dying in the end..

Dying from the warmth they need…

More Moths are falling, more and more are dying,

I am here observing,

A Mothic Future indeed.

Same as theirs..I imagine my future..yes its uncertain…

Infact nothing is certain in this world,

Waiting the certainty..we hover as the moths did..

And in the end

We fall

We fall

And we meet the Death so uncertain…

A Mothic Future indeed DW

Finding Kali within Self

“A woman is the foundation of the world,

She is the true form of the body.

Whatever form she takes, is indeed the superior form.

There is not and has never been, nor will there be

Any holy yoga in comparison to woman,

No mystical formula or asceticism to match a woman.

There is not nor will there arr riches more valuable than woman”

I have been reading Sheeba Shivangangini Shah’s Beyond The illusion since many days. It is fascinating me a lot. However the book lacks so many things. It is really simple. I began reading other book The Namesake of Jhumpa Lahiri and thelanguage has a great flow. I am not undermining our own homeland writer but I think they need to learn a lot. I loved Samrat Upadhaya’s books..all of three and found them fascinating too. But this book is so much fascinating. It provides you many evidence to believe but it is quite strange.

So, I am fascinated because of the Tantra and Mantras , jadus and so many things in the book. But the most fascinating thing in the book for me happened the facts related to “kali” . I want to include the evidence I have heard , actually told by a friend -:

Parvati is called Kali because ,once she was having a bath in the Parvati Kund in the Himalayas with two of her sakhis.She lived a life of an ascetic even though she was married to Shiva because Shiva was always in Samadhi. So on that day she was having this bath and she was dreaming of her husband. In the dream she was making love to him and this became unbearable to the waters and herself too, this in turn turned the waters black and her body burnt with the fire of passion. So she too beacme black. And hence known as Kali”

But Kali is really furious god I assume. Furious of all. The wide stretched arms, wide open fiery eyes and her red toungue lolling out…She is Kali powerful of all..the strongest of all..She is Kali …the dreadful god…Fearful too.

I am in the middle of the book, and I found lord Kali fascinatingly portrayed in the book which has finally grabbed my feelings towards Kali. There is a small portrait of Kali in my home and I see it time and again to watch this furious beauty..to get her strength , to be powerful, to be strong, to live life…To be her devotee.

Kali is the supreme power. The severest of all. Power to kill and give life. Power to enlighten and mesmerize.

I am mesmerized really…the black god…

I am trying to find her withing me. Where she resides, the book says. Either it is fiction, the accounts of Kali mata is really helping me to get energy from inside.I always undermine myself. I am so bad, I am so stupid but now not. Yes it is because of myself and also because of the book I am feeling that I am much more better. Its moreover because of Kali within me.

Yes, I am strong, yes Kali resides within me in my soul, in my heart, within me. I was unaware of my own capabilities. Yes the expedition, yes the haunt has begun to find Kali within me. I am hopeful to find her nowhere but within myself. I want to excavate her. I want to be her decent devotee. I want to find her out. Feel the power , show the power and feel the difference. Lets see where it takes me…

Here is the last line of the book -:

Indeed, in the beginning is Kali, in the end is Kali.

In between we remain mere illusionary phantoms

        of her divine inspiration.

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Clouds fall as Rain

There in the sky I saw something special…

Something white shining in the sun so bright..

The burning thing there in the sky…

I am here with thing pounding nside..

Palpitation I felt while I behold…the bright sky

A feeling so strange..

There sun shines..there the cloud lies..

I felt palpitaion..

The pounding thing is having rest now…

Seeing the amazing  sky…

Sliver-lining cloud shining in the bright sun..

Amazing I felt yes for the first time…

But could not realize that Cloud falls as Rain…

Definitely, it fell as the rain..

Making me wet..

Making me feel chill and clod..

At first I was scared..so I screamed -: “I don’t want rain to wet my soul ”

No soul was not wet..only body was wet…

Cloud fell as Rain…making me cool…

The feeling so cool..

Calming …yes the fire…

Cloud fell as rain…

Wetting my soul..

Cloud fell asa rain…

Letting me “Move on “

Memento

Disgraceful Memento…I am preserving..

Right here inside a pounding thing…

The moments I want to burn..are burning me inside…

Memento I want to keep till I am alive…

Those feelings of togetherness ..will be alive..

Memento would be preserved till I am alive…

Tranquility I am feeling living with these wounds…

Emotions…eluding me..making me feel disgraceful…

It would have been a delightful Memento..if it weren’t ….

Memento for a life time..

It would have been an achievement…

But what happened…that turned the world upside down..

Eluding…yes it is eluding…either its guilt or passion..

Why I suffered..immensely…???

Am I culprit of my pounding thing…

The right part hurts the most…

Bleeding the most…

Still preserving the most precious moments…

Making it a delightful Memento..

P.S. ( Life’s such an uncertain thing..and some moments become memento..)

Alter…

Distinctly different this heart’s beating

Trying to be away fron the way I am feeling

What have I been to ??

Feelings so obscure to see and feel..

The way I have been..and the way I am being

Can you replace it ++ ?

Yes the feeling and this disitinctly beating heart..

Revealing was a sin..like the forbidden fruit’s frist sight

This beating thing..

Pounding incessantly and never stopping..

I am trying for altering..

Altering heart..and feelings..

I lack courage…Yes I lack it

I lack courage ….I admit this…

I lack courage for altering..

But…

I want to alter..yes the feelings, heart and soul so impure

I want to gain courage…

Eternal kali..resides within me..

Yes I am courageous…

I can Yes I can..!!!! Alter…

 P.S. Quest for survival…altering these incessant feelings..++

 Altering..the moves and yes the beats…