Mothic Future

I am looking at those fluttering moths

Hovering around the light so bright

In the midst of this dark night

Searching for the warmth they are …

Wanting the warmth..

Warmth that is all in vain..

I imagine a “mothic Future”..so much uncertain

They hover around to make themself warm

Unaware they are all in charm,

Getting the fake warmth

More moths came fluttering…

Hovering as others did..

Soon I observe,

Them falling

They are falling…

Oh my God said I…

“They are dying”..

Their future so uncertain…a mothic Future…dying in the end..

Dying from the warmth they need…

More Moths are falling, more and more are dying,

I am here observing,

A Mothic Future indeed.

Same as theirs..I imagine my future..yes its uncertain…

Infact nothing is certain in this world,

Waiting the certainty..we hover as the moths did..

And in the end

We fall

We fall

And we meet the Death so uncertain…

A Mothic Future indeed DW

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Finding Kali within Self

“A woman is the foundation of the world,

She is the true form of the body.

Whatever form she takes, is indeed the superior form.

There is not and has never been, nor will there be

Any holy yoga in comparison to woman,

No mystical formula or asceticism to match a woman.

There is not nor will there arr riches more valuable than woman”

I have been reading Sheeba Shivangangini Shah’s Beyond The illusion since many days. It is fascinating me a lot. However the book lacks so many things. It is really simple. I began reading other book The Namesake of Jhumpa Lahiri and thelanguage has a great flow. I am not undermining our own homeland writer but I think they need to learn a lot. I loved Samrat Upadhaya’s books..all of three and found them fascinating too. But this book is so much fascinating. It provides you many evidence to believe but it is quite strange.

So, I am fascinated because of the Tantra and Mantras , jadus and so many things in the book. But the most fascinating thing in the book for me happened the facts related to “kali” . I want to include the evidence I have heard , actually told by a friend -:

Parvati is called Kali because ,once she was having a bath in the Parvati Kund in the Himalayas with two of her sakhis.She lived a life of an ascetic even though she was married to Shiva because Shiva was always in Samadhi. So on that day she was having this bath and she was dreaming of her husband. In the dream she was making love to him and this became unbearable to the waters and herself too, this in turn turned the waters black and her body burnt with the fire of passion. So she too beacme black. And hence known as Kali”

But Kali is really furious god I assume. Furious of all. The wide stretched arms, wide open fiery eyes and her red toungue lolling out…She is Kali powerful of all..the strongest of all..She is Kali …the dreadful god…Fearful too.

I am in the middle of the book, and I found lord Kali fascinatingly portrayed in the book which has finally grabbed my feelings towards Kali. There is a small portrait of Kali in my home and I see it time and again to watch this furious beauty..to get her strength , to be powerful, to be strong, to live life…To be her devotee.

Kali is the supreme power. The severest of all. Power to kill and give life. Power to enlighten and mesmerize.

I am mesmerized really…the black god…

I am trying to find her withing me. Where she resides, the book says. Either it is fiction, the accounts of Kali mata is really helping me to get energy from inside.I always undermine myself. I am so bad, I am so stupid but now not. Yes it is because of myself and also because of the book I am feeling that I am much more better. Its moreover because of Kali within me.

Yes, I am strong, yes Kali resides within me in my soul, in my heart, within me. I was unaware of my own capabilities. Yes the expedition, yes the haunt has begun to find Kali within me. I am hopeful to find her nowhere but within myself. I want to excavate her. I want to be her decent devotee. I want to find her out. Feel the power , show the power and feel the difference. Lets see where it takes me…

Here is the last line of the book -:

Indeed, in the beginning is Kali, in the end is Kali.

In between we remain mere illusionary phantoms

        of her divine inspiration.

Protected: Another Coffee Break

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Memento

Disgraceful Memento…I am preserving..

Right here inside a pounding thing…

The moments I want to burn..are burning me inside…

Memento I want to keep till I am alive…

Those feelings of togetherness ..will be alive..

Memento would be preserved till I am alive…

Tranquility I am feeling living with these wounds…

Emotions…eluding me..making me feel disgraceful…

It would have been a delightful Memento..if it weren’t ….

Memento for a life time..

It would have been an achievement…

But what happened…that turned the world upside down..

Eluding…yes it is eluding…either its guilt or passion..

Why I suffered..immensely…???

Am I culprit of my pounding thing…

The right part hurts the most…

Bleeding the most…

Still preserving the most precious moments…

Making it a delightful Memento..

P.S. ( Life’s such an uncertain thing..and some moments become memento..)

@ Java ..Espresso..and buddies

Would not I be amazed seeing a extremely cute little cup and in that..a black..liquid..and it was a coffee??? Pradeep dranked that..where else..at Java again..and yes Deepa has ordered that…( Pictures would be posted soon)

HIlarious…( But I enjoyed every moment there at Java)

I was looking like a crazy..and we all were there crazy..but Deepa was pissed off because we ( me and Pradeep , who else ) were laughing so much that soon we found we were ignoring everyone there and again hat we did was included them and laughed. Did we did anything new..anything more than laughing so wildly that Java was about to blast….

I don’t know what made Prateek arrive there at 2 ..as the program was scheduled for 3 ( It is for me and my lovely sketch…Thank you so much for the sketch). Along with Pratik me and deepa were there and we ordered our first cup of Cafe Mocha..( Of late this has become my favourite..don’t know why ) and then came our Hottie girl..Shraddha..and who else..Pradeep arrived with our cute friend Irana….and then Laughing session started..beatifully..and yes with ragging…who else..Pradeep ..( I tried hard but was not sucessful..he cannot be beated in ragging ).Anil came with a big smile..and told..khojda khojda..( I have given him way many times ) and similarly saying Nepali Time.Ashesh, arrived too late..than Rajan and Suraj..who became late because Rajan was busy brushng his teeth ( as told by deepa for ragging )I had called him…

Why he mentioned my blog time and again. Everything ma he used to add up blogging..and eveyrone would laugh…and he remembers me as a person..who, while he says ” Sweta talai yeuta joke bhanchu” will laugh saying “Ye Joke”..hahahah …Was I used to do this..laughing before I heard the actual joke.

Its really fun to meet old buddies..no serious talks..yes serious talks would be “Ta aajkal k gardai chas”..and thats all..then another laughing session..

We have really grown up!!!! We all have really grown up…

How much innocent were those RIBS days,,where we used to have such a loads and loads of fun..How much innocent were those days..those amazing affairs..( Yes Pradeep I am targeting at you LOL). We all were reminicising…our by gone days…and we all were really happy..and we are were in a jolly mood..

I am happy to laugh after the previous get-togehter..Certainly I have forgotten to laugh in thee hecitic months of despair and despondement and do not ask me how much refreshed I am feeling..yes still today while the event happened and ended yesterday..I am still on the hang..that moment was amazingly beautiful..few of things that I want to preserve as memories..till I am alive.. Yes those laughter I want to make eternal…

I don’t know why every ragging had “blog”…I think pradeep should start blogging because he was teaching me so many things that I should blog. Perhaps he had read a blog..and his comment was like this -: “La heru bhanera blog kholiyo, padiyo…dui line..dui line…ani bujhna khosis gariyo..padiyo pheri last ko line samma…tara bujhna chai ..kei ni bujhiyena…aba timi haru aafai bhana ma kasari comemnt garu yesko blog ma” (I told myself lets see the blog,..then I read two first lines..then again i read another two lines..I tried to understand..I reached the last line..but understood nothing..tell me how would I comment in that ) and what I could do..I picked up Java’s Menu..and then hit him so hard..but that was not painful..The wwaiter came and took the menu away…

Then Pratik and Anil..gentlemens..trying to remember the days..I remembered days with Pratik but I hardly remember Anil..we remembered..Deepshika Mam..and how could we forget Madhav sir ( They told if he would read my blog then he would have been extermely proud )and Bishnu  Sir’s beating..” “Singo” ( meaning beating in the forehead ). We missed our days so much. It was so much fun yesterday.

This is the second time and it was as awesome as it was before.. we were as child as before…

I forgot to mention Ela…who came there and she was really sweet…

P.S. I had really enjoyed eveyr moment there at Java yesterday….We were together..and old buddies don’t need formality do they ??? I m refreshed till today..thanks pradeep..and thanks to the organiser..btw who were the organisers…was it me ??? I am amazed when Irana and Anilk thanked me for organizing the program…LOL..I was the one to chose Java..thats all…

Re-Union

Yes I am really happy and excited today because we are having a get together today guess where ??? Yes its Java…Wow I am too much excited for my cup of Mocha…

It is 6:15 in the morning and I am typing these words feeling happy today.. I know how I have forgotten to laugh and chill..Being in the hues everytime I have just forgotten what I want in life. Yes Alchemist was really inspiring. I have been enlightened from that book. I am feeling happy today after such a long time I am hoping for the best ever get-together. Last time too it was awesome we have had a blast there at Nanglo..and we were really wild..( guys were wild )…

This is the second get-together and certainly there are new faces ( They are old but they are gathering for the first time only)..and I am excited to meet these old buddies because I have not met them for so many years. Yes its been four years that I have passed my SLC and I have not met so many of them but I am really happy that I could see them today.

Java has been a favourite..though been there only three times..it has been a place of my choice..yes because of the obscure reasons..( Perhaps Poo and Holmaes know why hai..shhhh..secret)..So, I was shouting Java…Java..Java.. But I don’t know who have organised the program..they are thinking I but no I didn’t knew this…LOL…anyways we are gathering …and thats awesome…

Its too early that I am typing these words..No I have not had tea today… because today is saturday..and ma’s busy doing pujas..I need to go to the nearby temple…yes I want to go but why I am typing thses words now..I really don’t have any reasons…

My sisters who have come here at my place are still in the bed..we really laughed so much after all it was a sister-reunion…and it was a nice eveing with them…we talked so much till the midnight..and I was asleep while we were in the middle of our secret talks…I am not waking them up now..

So, I need to go there, yes temple..as I have done this earlier saturdays..I am used to do this. But I am never used to using computer and internet like this in the morning..Is this my blogging passion..what is happening to me dear!! I am really amazed and I know Ma’s amazed too…but if I didn’t have this ADSL at my home I wouldn’t have this much craze for blogging..

Its 6:25 AM now..they are still on bed…I am here..and I need to go there..

Yes I am really happy today ..because I am meeting my old buddies today and it is awesome…I want to have a recreation…recreating what Sweta was before…and this day is the best..yes Java’s the best…

P.S. Now I am coughing..and it is painful…but this shall not stop me going there..I am sad that I couldn’t spend time with my sweet sisters ..dearies your sister’s busy today…and I am remembering my friend Holmes right now..and yes my friend Poo as well…how I have cancelled plans of meeting them..Sweti needs some recreation today…hope you all would consider this…

Yes I am stopping this here..its 6:30 AM and I am going there..yes the Temple..nearby my home…

Shiris ko Phul (Review)

Painful….

I have read this novel over four times or say five times..and each time I finish the novel I feel pang and it hangs on my head for so many days. Why guilt is so painful that made such a strong women called Sakambari to suicide..or die…??

The novel has a wonderful language..the simplest of all. When I had read it for the first time..to tell the truth that I hadn’t really understood the novel, I felt the love story in it and I couldnot understand the passion in the novel.. But this day I may say I am able to figure out the passion and the feelings of the author..

I really appreciate the wonderful story, the plot the real setting, the real characters…and the situation of the novel till it ends. The pain of running away from the feelings and passion. When the Suyogbir says..”Ma glass ma bhagchu” ( I forgot the line exactly…). The feelings is that we run away from pain…because we want to forget the pain..pain that we are suffering in our life.

What makes the old Suyogbir..the most flirtous guy..to fall in love with his friend’s sister…who is half of his age..Sakambari..the character in the novel..seems to be such a strong woman..who is an atheist..who lives her life in her own way…The way she wants…The way she has been living..The inscet eating Sungavas…like whom she is…When she says “Jharnai parcha bhane afno iccha le jharne” ( still I forgot her words..) The book is here infront of me..

I found this underlined..which obviously I have done.. “Bari pani kehi rahasya lukaudi ho. Dhuwa ko Muslo bhitra ki awasya bari bhagdi ho dhuwa ma rangmangiyera”. These are the exact words of Suyogbir in the novel which expresses the feelings..that Bari has preserved. At this very moment I remember my friend Suraj, who have asked whether I know the reality. Then I got the impression of the truth behind the novel, Parijat herself..and her perfect blend of the fact….the truth of her own life…her own passion..the hidden truth..Then I understood the above lines..clearly..crystal clear…!!!

But I won’t tell the truth as well because I might be wrong to analyze the writer’s creation with the personal..that would be totally injustice..if I did that. So, I assume that I have understood all those symbolical words..hidden symbols..hidden passions..hidden..truth…and hideen Parijat above all..and thats awesome.

The most eluding thing about the novel is the flow of passion…the passion of Suyogbir..the passion of Bari and yes the passion of Bari’s brother..I forgot the name..Shanker??? no its Shivaraj…The novel is full of passion..and if we know one thing then all thing becomes crystal clear…but that one thing I would not like…share it here…(Perhaps peolpe know about it like my friend knew)

The novel really made me cry..and I always do this..Whenever I read I can’t control my trembling heart..I feel palpitation in my heart..and a serious pang…at the end when Suyogbir says….”Meri Sakambari ! Aba malai Sarirbhari Khopera Hidna maan lageko cha, Jeewan ko Asafaltha ho, Yo Jewan ko durbhagya ho, Manis yesai pani dhuki cha , usai pani dukhi ! sadhai ritto hath, ritto maan farkana abhyesta manche ma rittai farke”…….( right now too I am tearful ) The english transaltion would be done by Holmes..I am feeling sleepy..

But the feeling I want to write…these lines give a pang in my heart…how much has the failure in love accounted to Suyogbir..he has been tragic…so that he wants to hurt himself…and give him the physical pain..he even says at one instance..that loving Sakambari was more painful than his suffering there at Death-Valley…

Love’s great…Love’s worst…This must be the worst part of love..which covers..love itself..the unexpressed feelings..the lust..the sexual passion..the inner hidden desires…the LOVE itself….the tragedy…

P.S. This tragedy broked my feelings…really made me kneel down and cry at the faliure of a man’s love..which he could never make his..the guilt Sakambari…feels and unnatural death…The biggest faliure…pang in my heart……painfull…agony…and I am in tears right now too.