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Dear Friend,

I thought of writing you a text, then I refrained. I thought of dialing your number but stopped myself halfway through. Then, I thought of writing you an email~but couldn’t type anything. I have stopped writing. I have stopped. I don’t know. These new shoes I am wearing right now are giving me blisters. It pains. Yet, there is no option- than to walk. Yes, with the shoes. I know by this time your forehead would wrinkle and in your eyes my suffering will twinkle. I know we communicate. But in silences. In grief. In pain. In ego. In our heads.

I remember the distance that grew gradually and it kept on moving down and hurting both you and me. In pain we remembered ourselves. In pain we thought about each other. I thought you should have been a healer~ like you were always! You didn’t try and I couldn’t dare. By the time, the pain we gave to each other had reached to the depth that nothing could ever fill it and nothing could ever cure it.  We lose many things in life. We lose love of our life. Yet, nothing pains more than the loss of friendship. “When you are an adult, you lose friends ~ that’s normal” – somebody had said. I wish we were never adults but remained the way we were – carefree- careless and caring. After a decade long friendship-what went wrong? Who was right and who was wrong? Who did a mistake? Who never dared to correct it? Both of us? You? Me? or Me? You? Who stopped us? Who is stopping me now? Who is stopping you now? I know my blisters will give you pain! I know you could help me to gulp the pain and smile to move ahead with pride. But, where are you?

But,

Then, our conversation never ended

Yes, it never ended

As, it had no begining

It was right there ~ always.

You know~ some conversations do not have an end

They continue

But with a flow ~ high and low

In silences.

In deep, dark silences.

With love,

s

 

 

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Sweet Cigarette

Lighted me up

Like a sweet cigarette

Saw me burning till the last moment….

Love….as the sweetest cigarette…

Felt like ….a full moon….

In the darkest night…

Lately, I realized…. Continue reading

Remorse!!!

I adrently wish to extinguish from the world
Again I realized there are so many things unfold
I remorsed and I remorsed
The pain made me feel the guilt….
Why after all I did??
A crime I committed and a lie I believed
I believed what was a geniune lie , Can you believe ?
That was the biggest crime
An uncurable crime
And the pain for a lifetime.
Yes, I adrently wish to extinguish from the world
For I am robbed of my consolation
For I am unsheltered where I had wanted to live
For I have been exiled by the most precious thing
Well, I am thinking why should I remorse
For the thing I had never done
And why should I vanish from the world
For I have done no any crime
I haven’t robbed or killed anyone but myself
Why should I remorse and gain the pain ?
But this heart who shall console it other than DW ?
Did I kill you DW ??
Oh! come on you have killed me.

Catus Plant and A Wacky Thought

As I was going to lavatory few minutes ago, I happened to look at the Catus’s long branches which was implanted in the house of Dr. Sharad Man Tuladhar ( Not sure about the cast), Neuropsycharist ( as I saw in the board). A wacky thought came into my mind. The thought was painful indeed because it was the pain I want to gain. But after all why do I want to gain the pain physical ?? I don’t know the answer right now. Let me exacavate it out!!

It is not the first time that I have seen the catus plant at his house but it is the first time I had feeling this weird feeling by seeing those beautiful, slender catus plants. I do not know Why people plant Catus and why they do that after all it is so throny. There are all thrones. Thrones are painful, aren’t they ??

The wild feeling was most strange. As I happened to look at the Catuses, the thought came in my mind that I should go and catch the throny Catus so that I can feel the pain. I want to feel the pain physical. I want to catch the throny catus so that my two hands will get bloody. I want to feel the pain when blood comes from the hand. I want to see me suffering while the hands go red with bloods. I want to feel the pain by letting the thrones enter my nerves. I wanted to feel how the pain feels , how the heart aches and how the tears comes easily through this physical pain.

And I don’t know what I am writing and why I am writing ? I don’t know why those feelings came to my mind when I saw those catuses. Why after all I got that feeling that made me feel pain even it were not real. No, I am not going to catch the catuses. Actually I don’t want to feel the pain. How could I be in pain and how could I let myself feeling the pain that I don’t want to get?.

Then I realise the heart woes. What about the pain mental ? More painful than the physical pain. Perhaps it will be more painful than catching the catuses. Actually , Had I wanted to catch the catuses so that  I could be away from the woes of my heart and the pain of my suffering. Do, I want to suffer physically so that I would get away from the pain mental ?

I think I am not capable of answering myself this question. I can’t answer , I can’t even how hard I try I can’t and I know this. What is the medicine of pain that is mental ? I could have got many medicines if I had catched those catuses. The pain is visible, the wounds are visible but what about the wounds mental…that are not visible.

P.S. I don’t want to write anymore about this..I don’t know why I want to suffer …and gain pain. I am really imagining to catch the catus…But I am sure coward Sweta..can never do that..not for her…but she can’t do it for others who will be feeling more pain than she…..