Don’t know why I am feeling so cold…so I had felt last September….I don’t want to be numb as always…quite and suffering with the pain…No, I don’t want to give pain to others because they don’t deserve it…the most beautiful people in the world..they can’t tolerate it…

Some days can be boring like this…Sweety must be chatting with her friends…as always..or facebooking…but I am here typing don’t know why I opt for this…writing…..Seems like …I am so habituated to my colleagues…to chat and laugh unnecessarily…backbite about Sweety, and a lot of girly gossips….but what if Sweety here at office.

I prefer imagination to reality. Coleridge has well said “Reality is dark dream”….Yes.. it is a dark dream…I don’t want to dream a dark dream…really it hurts to hurts to realize which I don’t want to..
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Its you everytime…

I try to avoid you…get away from you but I you are so attached that you cannot be left away so easily…Things remind me of you….so much….I got an old newspaper…with something rolled in it…and guess what there was your name….Phew !!…I cannot tolerate…

You are like a boil…..painful…..Very much indeed…which needs  a lot of hardship to throw…all the white blood cells in my body could not fight with the bacteria…What about antibiotic tablets..but those tablets failed , as I failed….I could not drain you…because it was too painful…nor could I do avoid the pain….

How long I could stand like this…Its damn painful…God…I needed treatment… Continue reading

Nec- Romancer- I

(This is fictional one, I am writing this because I have faced this and also now I am writing a research paper in suicide that is why I am here trying to write about suicide..and talks with the one who have suicided and those died in front of me. The things which are real are informed in parentheisis that these are not fictional)

1. Ravi Dada.. ( My brother who died due to kidney faliure )                  

2. Sarina …( Name changed, whose death cause is unknown, either it was suicide or drug overdose.)

3. Reema …( Name changed , my friend’s sister who suicided )

4. Sandesh Dada ..( My broher’s Mit who died because of drug overdose )

I am writing this fictionally trying to be a nec romancer, the one who talks with the dead ones. This writing is truly imaginative and it belongs to my own thoughts and aspirations. So here are the talks that I am thinking that I will talk with them and the answers I assume that I will get. So this is my own monoply nothing related to any ones life.

Sweta -: Ravi dada, I am Sweta remember ? Your Sano Mama’s daughter. How have you been, its been nearly 5 years. I am sorry I couldn’t visit you when you were in death bed but my mom was there remember that ? My mother had told me how were you talking about and how have you catched your mother’s hand that you didn’t wanted to leave this world? How it feels like leaving the beautiful world that you have spent many years. I feel that dada, how it had been difficult for you to leave, but the reality we need to leave this world like a debt being paid.

Ravi Dada -: Yeah, Sweta I am fine here but the nostalagic image haunts me day an night. I have the soul of mine but don’t have the biological existence called body. I am together with you all in the memories and that is my biological structure but the soul nobody has seen yet and that soul is me. I too miss so many things that I couldn’t do such as marriage ( not fictional ). You know how I wanted to marry and you dad was the one to console me. I feel goodand thankful to your dad, a girls life would have been ruined because her husband’s death was fixed.


Sweta -: Sarina ( name changed ) , tell me dear friend how were you dead. The cause of your death is not known to anyone dearie. Ambir told me that you died in India, due to drug overdose or you have suicided ? You have married too and that sounded cool but your death news made me cried on the very spot.  Your sweet smiling face haunted me at night to, the low-peej rings that you wore. What the hell is this?, I thought and wanted to meet you desperately, knowing that I can never meet you dear friend. Tell me about you.

Sarina -: Yeah, I have married ( not fictional ) , to a over-aged guy who took me to India and then I was so much frustrated. My drug passion didn’t let me do anything and my husband made me frustrate more and more. You know that I was motherless and a Christian ( not fictional ). I did a big mistake by marrying him and that is why my frustration became more and more and I began to use drug even more than before and one day I thought , it would be better that I kill myself then I thought about the baby that was growing within me. I thought this baby too didn’t have any future and thats why I tried to suicide and it became successful – I died and I don’t have any regrets of leaving the world so much creul. I hated my biological existence and that is why I have no regrets of being dead.


(The other two conversation would be either updated or be posted in next post )


It is natural to be in pain when one is disillusioned and it happened to me I must say today and I am numb. Feeling numb has been a habit to me and I am not being able to get out of these hues. I have created this and I need to suffer. Suffering has no any limitations and for me to suffer it has been a routine.

I am reading about Barrack Obama. I want to know him so I googled him and found out it in wikipedia. I am reading few lines and again back writing. I want to write about my disillusionment and perhaps I am disillusioned.

We are waiting for dad to come because it is our sleeping time. Perhaps people knowing me will be knowing about this better and they laugh I know they laugh out loud. And sometime I do that too laughing at my self and my family memebers. How come Bishesh my brother sleep at 7:30 PM.

But me I try to sleep at 8:00 PM. I wait the clock to strike 8 and so that I will be proud that I have slept at 8. ( hahahah). Just read fwe lines from Wikipedia and found out that Obama admitted that during high school he used cocaine, marijuana, and alcohol, which he described as his greatest moral failure. And I found it interesting because it is people who make mistake and If they know what they have done and promise themself that they will not repeat it again. Then I think I assume that is disillusionment.

People make mistake and they try to hide. But I am not the one to hide mistake and forget it but I am the one who learn from the mistake and never repeat it again.  I believe Obama does not use cocaine, marijuna and alcohol now, does he? No, Perhaps. And see what he is now….I am perhaps being fan of Obama. I have just heard his speech while changing channel and stumbled upon this man Obama speaking in CNN and it was awesome and peoples participation was amazing.

And I am writing and mom is here by my side I do not know why is she checking that I am mailing DW  or chatting. No mom no I am not doing I have promised myself I will not repeat the mistake again. Five minutes left to eight and my eyes are growing heavier I want a good night sleep. Damn I am feeling so sleepy ( Perhaps I am the laziest chick) and there is no one online in my instant messenger  too and on the other hand I am hearing the gazal of Jagjit Singh ( Singh is Kinng No! haha not this song but a soothing number Tum Itna Jo Muskuraraheho …making me more and more sleepy. )

My brother bishesh must be dreaming now and mom has gone to sleep and I am waiting for dad to come home. Oh! old man have been real busy. 

And I was telling about my disillusionment and it is the same my heart doesnot wants to believe it and see me I am completely drowned in this disillusionment. Now I am trying for yahoo messenger If somebody is online…

I am too tired and I am feeling so much sleepy. Its 8:10 PM now, I think I would have been too dreaming if I were not typing these words and hearing these extremely tragic hindhi numbers and this may be the reason that I am feeling extremely sleepy.

So, I was telling about my disillusionment that I can not say why and how but Yes I am disillusioned perhaps. I want to be strengthful and I want to show the world how capable this girl is. I am able to stand I am strong and I am able to tackle the world to fulfill my ambition and desire. I am a real ambition freak and I can do anything for it. Perhaps a mistake I shall remember ever but I am not going to be chick and regret it for life but I am learning from it a lot. Can you hear me I am saying DW I am capable to show you and the world how much capable I am. Perhaps I need sometime and I am going to reach top. Top than YOU.

P.S. I am disillusioned. ( Oh dear I am feeling so sleepy)