Celebrating your absence

You went away but forgot to take away your backpack of sweet memories….

Your love is like- : Like a sweet slumber after a really tiresome day, like a small moment when you are lying on the bed awake and suddenly you fall asleep without knowing when you sleep. Your love is like the moment that separates conscious and the unconscious, while you are about to sleep…so precious, so magical. The feeling of being unconscious of the world because you are present and all other is absent in mind. It is like the moment when you occupy my mind and mind thinks nothing else than you, the most cherish-able moment and when I am suddenly conscious, the feeling of shyness that I am thinking about you all the time. This fills the vacant, truly. Your love is like the feeling which arises when you put on your summer clothes saying good bye to the big jackets, overcoats, socks, mufflers and many more woolen stuffs. It is a like the feeling of freedom, the cool breeze that hits you right in the face. Your love is again like the feeling of warmth, when your legs are shaking because of cold and you put on everything that makes you warm. Your love is this feeling of warmth in every part of the body and heart especially. Your love changes time Continue reading

Cold

Don’t know why I am feeling so cold…so lone..as I had felt last September….I don’t want to be numb as always…quite and suffering with the pain…No, I don’t want to give pain to others because they don’t deserve it…the most beautiful people in the world..they can’t tolerate it…

Some days can be boring like this…Sweety must be chatting with her friends…as always..or facebooking…but I am here typing don’t know why I opt for this…writing…..Seems like …I am so habituated to my colleagues…to chat and laugh unnecessarily…backbite about Sweety, and a lot of girly gossips….but what if Sweety bans..it here at office.

I prefer imagination to reality. Coleridge has well said “Reality is dark dream”….Yes.. it is a dark dream…I don’t want to dream a dark dream…really it hurts to know..it hurts to realize which I don’t want to..
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Guilt feeling heart

Guilt I am feeling,

For daring the sin to be done..

A pang in my heart..

A feeling so obscure..

A pounding heart..and a fleshy..thing needed to survive

An obscure reality under the veil…

A feeling to scare..and a guilt to remain…

A life-time wounds would be painful…

But I am not identical to them…no I am not…++

Heart’s feeling guilt..its feeling a pang…

Where shall I go and relieve this poor heart…

Are my doctor friends able to cure the heart ???

Tell me are you able ??? No you are not ….

++ can you do that…no I am sure you even can’t

Leaving this poor beating thing…inside me…

Making it feel guilt every now and then…

Every beats it beat..every breathe i take…

A sense of guilt I feel…

Please forgive…me ++….please forgive..

This guilt I have ..shall remain ever…

Fading hopes..flowing eyes…

A guilt feeling heart…making me still alive…

 

P.S. Guilt feeling Heart

Adjacent ends

Born in the world…crying..out of pain…

Wishing everything of this world to gain…

Growing day by day..wishing the best..

“I want find the best out of rest” ++

This heriditary bloods flow in the veins…

Why is it red ?? 

Cutting shall why only give the pain ???..

We cried out of pain…the day we took birth…

Supressing the pain..we wanted to live…

While living..we forgot that there is death…..

The undying and the most painful truth…

“Death is a debt to be paid by all”

We need to die..leaving this beautiful world…

How long have we sail ???

We forgot that..there is indeed a point where we fail..

We fail in the creul hands of death…

We fail to live…the biggest failure…indeed..

While living..we feel the immortality..within ourselves…

Death the powerful of all….more than life

The power it has to end the life…..

Suffocating…for amount of breathe…in the death-bed…

Trying again to run away from death…we try hard to breathe..

Yes!! at the last moment…the last moment of life..

The last amount of breathe we breathe…

The last beat the heart beats…

Then it stops….^^^^^^…….^^^^!!!!!

And the body which used to breathe…is called the Cropse…

Useless Corpse…is incremented..ending biological existence…

Nothing remains…other than absurdity…nihilism….

Absurd life…absurd breathing…absurd beating…and absurdly dying…

Nothing to start..nothing to end….all the thing zero…

The main point of life…yes ZERO…++….ZERO

Adjacent ends..we suffer..in this absurd world..at the end….

 

P.S. Adjacent ends…

Entity ????

I found myself strucked  in this question…

Is there any entity of me and my woes ?

I found myself gloomy and sad thinking this….

Does my gloomyness has any entity…???…

No, there is no anything of mine…

I had wanted to live and live a life…

Live a life of a choice….

Batteling within self for an unnatural quest…

Not for a holy grail..but for the knightly aim…

You know what a Knightly aim is ???

( Winnig heart of the highness )

The eternal woes of heart, does it have some entity ???

The eternal pain of heart…can you cure it DW??

Like a eternal wait for fulfilling a quest…

The wait!!! wait!!! and yes the wait!!!!….

Entityless wait…loathsome parody….

Eternal wait…and eternal…pain..

Panic I am feeling….it is entityless…

Had it some entity…pain would not be there…

Had it some…entity…

Had it some…entity…

I can’t forget..nor can I forgive….

Pain..eternal pain…DW…panic pang…

Entityless pain………..

Waiting ……

Here I am..waiting for passage of time…

Here I am …wishing the best..in the worst phase of time…

Here I am aggravated….accepting the creul reality…

Here I am…waiting for the passage of the time…

I wish I were not here…I wish I was not even born….

I feel I get easily frustrated….

Yes I do when the situation like this is created….

I feel…sad at this point…desperately..waiting for the passage of time…

Yeah..here I am…desperately waiting for the passage of time…

Let it be dark and let me go back….

I don’t want to stay here…not even a second more…

Desperate I am for going back…to those days..of life

 I shall be child and again I shall run wild…..

Here I am going round and round…{changing minds}..

What shall I do..other than wait for the passage of time…

Why I had need to do that??…Yes I gave my heart….DW

I would not have been left..feeling so loathsome..

I would not have been waiting like this…

I hate this….I want to go back…I am desperate to be back

Waiting..yes..waiting it to get dark….let the hours end…

Let me be back..

Let me not wait…

 

P.S. I don’t want to listen your dialogues..I don’t want to wait..

Thinking…to take a break

Yes I am talking about break…but what kind of break..yes a break..a holiday..a sleepy day..when I would slepp the whole day..once I remember how I slept for the whole day..from 11 AM in the morning till 6:00 PM and what I did was ate supper and then again slept….How much I had felt relieved that day. No, I was not intoxicated..Perhaps it may be a relaxation that I had wanted because of tiredness and same I want today.

This job is out of control…so many things to handle..so amny things to be done and the clients do their “manmani” ( The way they like ). They think that we have to do everything that they want. Who the hell are they ??? ( Come on they are as if gods…) . I wish I hadn’t chosed this job which is getting out of control…but I enjoy sometimes..like day before yesterday..03 Oct when I talked with the guest with such an fluent Hindhi..so no padega, chalega,hoyega…and also some english which was very good indeed..but I felt they were comfortable in HIndhi so I conversed with them in Hindhi. I had felt some satisfaction that I was a Tour Operator…but I think I needed to learn a lot…

Guess What its raining here. I am loving it…the chill in the air..the freshness…Oh…..what I am thinking…yes thinking to take a break and go in the rain.dance there all alone..feel the chill..feel the wind..feel the rain… But I can’t do that..so I am busy imagining the things ….that I would do this and that I mean I will ( Oh..Thunder..and I am covering my ears….I just fear thunder…”gadayanggudung” and I my heart beats faster….

I wish I was strong enough to shout back…I wish I was not bounded by this so called boundry. I could have fought but I am so much helpless that I can’t even fight. I can’t even shout not even I have courage to prove myself that I wasn’t wrong in any of those instances. I am blamed of having Attitude, I am blamed for having no any discipline..I am only the one irresponsible. Why one can only see the flaws…I don’t think that I am such a fool..yes to some extent I am …such as I am still childish I assume. I look at the world with my childhood innocence…and there Sweta fails…there Sweta fails…

Oh!! I am so busy still today..the sixth day of dashain..my room which needs something change..( Hahahah I need to clean my room ). I need to buy as nice preety dress…I saw one yesterday at UFO, and it was nice either..but too expensive..but I will buy the same…because I loved it at one sight…So the thing here is that I am too choosy..the thing I like once is my favourite….and I wear those till it tears…hahahah LOL…..

I am trying to think that how would I take break..I know I had again planned to gofor shopping..because I really need a dress for Dashain..I just can’t help myself when it comes to buying dress at Dashain..because it is special..and this dress is would be special….

But see I am strucked upon here and I lath it..come on give me some break at festival..and I need it ..I am saying this by heart…..and I want to escape…I want a escpae from enerything so that I can breathe…(Oh I think I will write poem )

P.S. Really sad and feeling really bore…