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Dear all,

I suddenly miss so many of you when I realize it has been 40 minutes I have been walking alone. How I hated walking alone, then and how now walking alone feels so safe – feels so much like meditation. It feels vacant. Something deep inside a hollow – there is nothing- no piled up dreams and no any more desire to do something- something new- may be apply for a new job at the most attractive places? No frustrations that you failed so many interviews, so many things you almost got it and lost in a blink of eye.

But walking alone makes me feel strong. Stronger, I must say. When I realize, I was not used to doing it anytime… it is because I longed for all of your company so hard, so badly. The circle I created for me with you all inside was so much mine that I never thought anything outside of it. When the circle line started to fade away with time, situations or even the circumstances or simply the choice? ~ truly I was not prepared. If I was prepared enough then I wonder – I would not have come along so strong. Yet, I miss you all — suddenly when I open the door and find pin drop silence that eventually makes me gulp my voice, suppress it down and down and then lock it somewhere beneath ~ however it tries so hard to come out. What is the use of it — when it remains unheard?

I feel vacant while I walk among a hundred of pedestrians like me. I don’t notice them – so do they. Everyone is heading somewhere – perhaps a destined one or the desired one or the forced one? How desire and destiny related with each other? Do they overlap? Or are they just mere opposites? Does desire leads someone or the destiny? As I walk the stairs, I feel short of air – I want to breathe more – just few more and more — but I suffocate. I turn around and breathe a while– then I move on again. Now, I am on wheels — the journey like I have never had before — moving on and on towards somewhere — the rivers flowing on and on beneath, the fountains of waterfalls – so fresh — I feel it as a dream. How would it feel like to watch all these with you? Then you come passing in my mind like a flash of a bright light — till you vanish just a moment.

I see a tiny little boy in his school dress and tiny little bag — he jumps into small pool of stagnant water — he comes out and then again see it for sometime and then jumps again ~ I envy his innocence ~ I envy his happiness ~ I envy his childhood-ness ~ I yearn to jump like him –without fear of my socks being soaked or the shoes being damaged or how much mother will scold at home?. Hadn’t I jumped like him in the small pool of stagnant feelings, emotions ? Yes there was innocence, happiness, childhoodness, teenagey-ness or just the overwhelming desires that soaked something  so deep — and it doesn’t dry up like the boy’s socks and shoes or may be like Maxim Gorky said once — “The sun it rises and it sets–In my prison all is dark !”.. and when no sun rises — how my soaked heart is supposed to dry?