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To me,

I want to talk with myself, probably I want to undergo a certain kind of meditation and ask many questions to me- myself. No, I am not addressing this letter to you today because I am tired of anxiously waiting for your reply. Am I hallucinating your presence? Because you never exist, or do you? I am tired of being anxious, trembling feet, thumping heart and heavy brain. I have to search for answers within myself because I am asking questions to myself in the form of Inboxes. How would have life been, if I had had courage that time? Life would have been different nah! Why aren’t you having courage to reply these letters? It is because you don’t exist. I think I am hallucinating your presence, imagining somewhere you exist and you are reading these in this blog. This is mere imagination. You don’t exist- this is the cruel reality.

Ignorance kills me out. It hurts when you know you were being ignored deliberately. And what when you were knowingly ignored for years? The existence, presence everything deliberately ignored. The feelings that you preserved for years was never felt, was never thought about but just merely ignored. But would you like the repetition of all these things? What about your promised moral support? Moral supports are all bluffs. They don’t exist. How long can I tolerate? How long can I tolerate my own false expectations? How much false hope you give in the form of your sweet words? See– I am hallucinating yet again. I am addressing you.

I don’t deserve suffering of any such or any kind. This is what I feel. This is what I believe. I have to have to stop hallucinating you, your loving me, your caring me, your understanding of my feelings, your giving me immense dreams of life, your giving me of hopes of happiness and your killing of my sorrows. At the end you yourself are a big bluff because you don’t exist, you don’t exist and all those things I expect are my own mere hallucination.

I don’t deserve suffering… like Sylvia Plath said once – “I deserve that, don’t I, some sort of blazing love that I can live with.”

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4 Responses

  1. you pose a grave question on the notion of Reality. What is reality – what you see? What you feel? or what constitutes a figment of your imagination?
    “At the end you yourself are a big bluff because you don’t exist, you don’t exist and all those things I expect are my own mere hallucination”Now this particular liner could be a mere truth as you have suggested it to be or is the truth you want to believe but is not in actuality!
    Amazing piece. Thank you for sharing!

  2. Thank you Shuvecha 🙂 May be it is true that I want to make believe myself because I don’t want to linger but move ahead …or may be it is the hardcore truth that I don’t want to believe because I expect something different. Thank you for your amazing comment 🙂

  3. or maybe because our life isn’t interesting enough to write volumes on and so we create a world from wherein we extract the pretties and the darkest feelings to write with? 🙂 could be true right? ha ha!Anyways, pleasure to read your blog after so long.

  4. Darling, “I think, therefore I am” 🙂 You remind me of the movies ‘the Matrix’ and ‘the waking life’. But girl, life is too short to be confused by the question of whether or not we exist although. Even though reality maybe like ‘the Matrix’ or nothing at all, even though life maybe a never ending dream, it is worth living and enjoying it. Your questions are definitely not invalid. They definitely need to be discussed and explored. People who question life and reality are the deep thinkers who can see things outside the box. But when we let these questions boggle us too much and make us unhappy, it is usually something else in our life that is not going right. A friend of mine reminded me of this and that’s been one of most enlightening things I have heard in my adulthood.

    Would have sent you pots of flowers and colors and joy had I been there. Good writing and expression though. Never stop writing or sharing! ❤

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