Closet memories…

There are two types of hope — one hopeful and the other hopeless. And you deleted me yet again right? But why you added me giving me a “hopeful” hope that had shone my eyes with a warm pleasure that you still think about me — after all these years we spent in a self made separation (or-you-made-separation). I have been tracking my old diaries –to find you yet again. Why I hurt myself? I don’t know! Why did you? Perhaps you may not know it or you never imagined that I could be hurt to this extent?

I have this hopeless hope that somehow consoles me…or it is the thing that I live by. My hopeless hope where there is no joy, no excitement, no desperation, no pain, no expectation, no anything. Not a thing at all. Not even that you might sometimes think about me and contemplate. Not even a single moment of pleasure or even pain. A vacant hopeless hope. All the feelings for these memories are vacant. There is nothing left but still there is something left.

It is November! Suddenly without your own realization the coolest breeze turns into so cold that you got make yourself warm by taking out the warm packed clothes from your very own closet. I unpack your memories too. Warm Warm memories to make me feel warmer.. is it? Or making me even more sadder? I accept. I have been accepting. Good memories are to be cherished silently, right? I do celebrate your silence while you understand and decipher the meaning of my silence, don’t you decipher my dear? Memories are fading away year by year…how long can it be preserved? I can’t use pesticides or whatever? If I use also– it would be unnatural. I want to keep your memories shut inside the closet naturally and with my growing age and growing years of our separation– I want it to naturally fade away. I am actually waiting for it to fade away. But I preserve with the fear that these will fade away. Why this double stand? Why not letting the memories fade away? Why so much love for so much painful good memories? How can so good memories be such damn !!!~~ painful?

If life were to be determined by tarot cards…and if only the miracles happened in life and if only I had done this..if only you hadn’t done that….if only things were right only all the time…Phew ! many if only’s in life.. life is what but in your words “conditions applied”… Why I try to compromise myself with this phrase..if only? Would it soothe me? Would it provide a healing? Or do I think and imagine that all the pain will vanish? Will they? Would I let them go? Could I ?

How much melodramatic can I be? How much melodramatic were you and are you still? How much melodramatic our lives are? How long can I preserve the memories in this closet? Let me self wait and see…

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5 Responses

  1. Greatly chosen metaphors!! at certain point there you were struggling either to cultivate or completely eradicate old memories! Indeed indelible memories 😉

  2. Read your article as if I wrote it.

  3. Thank You ..at least you could feel the depth of it 🙂

  4. plenty of feedback i want to give but not rich with words as you are. All i can say is we all feel damn same way.

  5. Thank you for reading me 🙂

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