A Yogini

I am seeing it all and it is so strange. They are undressing him. They are doing something I haven’t ever seen.
What are they doing is the question? I have no idea. Such is life; I should not be emotional, else I will break down right here.
I should not have come here to see what has always been prohibited in for my gender.
“Take her away, girls will break down if they see this”, Baba had yelled and Ma had hurriedly covered my eyes with her hand. I hadn’t seen anything expect fumes from the spaces between my mum’s fingers. The smell had been bad; subsequently, I had collapsed.
I should not have come here to see this. What if I collapse again? Who will take care of me?
I am a brave woman now. I should face this. I should be like the sun and the rivers; I should live life without collapsing again.
A faint smell of vodka, I love vodka now. I have become used to it and don’t feel the shame anymore. When you have nothing, you have nothing to worry about. No, I am not losing. I won’t lose. I will hold on tightly, stop and fight with those on my way. I can’t lose at any cost.
“Om Nama Shivaya”, the yogi in black is chanting. Why has he worn such a dreadful dress? I am disappointed and he is alone. He is taking something out of his bag. No, he is not hitting me. No, he seems to be a good man, and he won’t hurt me.
“You are beautiful, your eyes are lovely. Let me sing a song for them, gajalu ti thula thula akha tira bani basyo yo dilaima…” He had embarrassed me that day, the first day we met at college. Still, I loved the way he had made me feel so beautiful for the first time in my life.
Doesn’t this yogi have a family? Why is he so alone? How can he live alone? Should I go to talk with him? I should not, I should not. The woman is crying in pain. In dismay; she doesn’t want to be left alone. Daughter!! Daughter!! Don’t leave me alone, I am nothing without you. Nothing.
The daughter lies silent, as if she were asleep. Why can’t she speak? My pulse is racing faster and I want to slap the daughter for not speaking, pull her hair and kick her. But she has been silent for eons.
My mother will be in the same pain this mother is in.
No, I am not losing. I won’t lose. I will hold on tightly, stop and fight with everyone on my way. I can’t lose at any cost.
They are pouring water over their bodies. Soon the girl, the silent girl is decorated and then undressed. She is covered with a yellow thing.
Fire!! There was Fire. I was shocked. I could not say anything, nor could I collapse like I had previously.
Soon, he too will be silent.
I won’t let him to be silent. I will not lose him. “Together we will be, always,” he had said.
Aaiya, it pains! Please don’t pull
my hair, she cries and tries to protect herself.
“Come on!! You unlucky one, you are a killer, you murdered my son”, her mother-in-law yells.
“No, don’t wash my sindoor it
is the only thing that reminds me of
his presence. Don’t break my
bangles and bring back my wedding band. That belongs to me! Its mine, it’s his gift to me.”
“I won’t wear the white cloth. No I won’t wear it. I love red. I love him.” She cries even more.
Again there was fire, fumes and a dead smell lingered, like a rotten meat.
Such is life; I try to console myself.
How I had made daddy and mummy proud when I had stood first in college? They were in tears and so was I, unable to speak seeing them so happy.
Time waits for no one, neither him, nor I. Doctor Rameshwor had given us time and within this time, I was set to lose the most valuable pearl. The doctor had claimed that his heart would stop beating and the body would soon be soulless.
Is this life?
He had read out the poem, I can’t remember the title, something associated with the flower blooming in the garden and then drying out.
I am losing. I am not losing. The beating heart as the Doctor said.
He will be brought here like that girl and that man. He will be silent and his heart will have stopped beating.
What if they snatch these beautiful bangles he had bought for me? And what if they rub off the bloody red vermilion powder he had put on my head on our wedding day? What if they snatch and break this beautiful wedding band around my neck.
I have to do something!
No, I am not losing. I won’t lose. I will hold on tightly, stop and fight with everyone on my way. I can’t lose at any cost. I will not break these bangles. I will not give my wedding band and if they try to rub my vermillion power off, then I will run away.
Run away!
Wow! What a great idea, I should run away.
Great, Shanti Great!! Great idea! I will run away so that I won’t be reachable. They cannot do anything even if his heart does stop beating. I will not lose these things he gave to me, the things that bound us together on our wedding day.
Run away! Run away Shanti from life! And world will…
I am not killing myself. Come my soul, I can’t see the fire, the fire in which he will be burnt to ashes. I can’t for the God’s sake. Let me run my soul. My soul I am not going to kill ourselves. I won’t let my heart stop beating. It is not just mine, but also his.
Run away; do not see him lying silent on the pyre without a beating heart, without a soul.
Gear up Shanti! “YOU ARE GOING TO BE YOGINI” a sadhu, a saint away from everything, away from the world.
Yogini Shanti! (It sounds good, it feels good)
Oh! His heart has stopped beating and his soul has flown away. I won’t see him being burnt, nor will it affect me. It’s just another part of life. I will be on that pyre someday.
Right now, I will be a Yogini!! a Yogini!!
He is burning and my eyes are dry, completely dry.
He escapes from the material world and so do I.

P.S. This story of mine was published in The Kathmandu Post on JAN 30, 2011 –


6 Responses

  1. oh god wonderful; great story, each word transforms the reader

  2. Thank you so much 🙂

  3. Yes, its Your quality writing , your graceful event narration and presentation, really, perfect, and I also know in real life pain of yoginis, yogis babas and sadhus it touched my heart . In real, in nepal i have seen 100s of them, so bad culture society reflected here

  4. i am kind of confused in ‘ere now. i love the flow of the monologue and to write two scenarios in such a flow really need smoothness and you possessed it. i was wondering, has this post of yours been published in any of the magazines? or for that matter even newspaper? i am not quite sure but i think i read it some where.

  5. Thanks Suvexa 🙂 Yeah it was published in the kathmandu post 🙂 🙂

  6. ahh! no wonder… i remember i read it some where and i was not sure where. nice work! keep it up and i want to say it once again, i love your writing. 🙂
    keep posting.

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