Many Many Thanks to Shilpi Joshi ( Didi ) Amazing Tibet

You are….

Just as  amazing  as the above picture….

You come up with surprises…..

You come up with love….

You bring love when the clouds above fall…

You come and mix up with me….

Like water falling in the river….

As if we were never unknown…to each other….

You come up with dreams …….

With zest to turn it into reality….

You come up with feelings…..

So true that…you make me cry always…

You surprise me always….

Heal away my pain….

You make me feel shy….

I am sorry every time I close my eyes…

You give me strength….

Saying that “we will conquer the world”

Together….

Like the river….above…

Making its way to ocean…

You say we will make our way…together…

Who says….the banks of river never meet…

Whats there in not noticing the BRIDGE ……

Connecting the banks of river ….to make them meet….

You are…..

Just as  amazing  as the above picture….

Like the clouds…..always there for me….

Like the water  in the river….

Never going to dry….

Your love is something….that is ever mine….

You are…..just as amazing as the above picture….

Picture taken by Kishor K. Sharma

Together we grow…

Together we live….

Together we shall die…

Together we will be always….

Till the end of our time…

………………………..

Like the above trees….growing together…we shall grow..our love shall grow and we shall stand like this distinct…different…and tallest of all because our love is something very very special…..Anyone can be jealous of our love because no one will love you like me and vice versa (no one will love me like you)…..Like the yellow mustard watching us together…..creating a beautiful scene…..

We shall stand together for each other like this for years and years and we shall die together….We were born for each other…we were made for each other….by the nature…

Compared to the mustard which shall be together for a short time period…we shall live together for ages….growing each year…together……I will be there for you and I know you will be there for me as well…in the scorching sun….in the heavy rainfall and strom…or at the time of winter when we shall fade our leaves and we don’t have any belongings….We will be together at the hard times…and for the good time as well like in the Spring when we shall grow new leaves together….

We will be regarded as the couple made for each other….different from other couple who are like mustard…we shall never leave each other ever…our bond will be such a strong thing that…will never make us apart….

There is a small distance that is separating us…but that distance is nothing…because under the ground our roots are mingled together…that gives us strength to stand …..you and I….to stand as the tallest of all….with the strength of the roots that are binding us together…and will bind us together for ages….the ROOTs….that are under the ground….

I promise to you…..and I know you will do that too….to be together…We share a bond of love…..and our love is a special thing….Together I promise to you we can touch the sky….Together we can accomplish everything and everything….Togetherness is something that is strength…who knows and who have seen the roots that are under the ground….that are mingled…together…..that is our strength…and that strength will lead us….together everywhere…..

Together we grow…

Together we live….

Together we shall die…

Together we will be always….

Till the end of our time…

………………………..

Broke the promise….

Broke me out….

Into pieces….

Never to be joined again….

A to Z…..yes the alphabets….

I stumbled upon the letter “u”

Broke myself…

However, the culprit not “u”

The injured part “LEFT”

Your stirring of coffee with “left”

Your promises…I had felt…

The promises that were fake…

Blind in……What ever letter it starts with…

However, I stumbled upon the letter “u”

The letter that describes “u”

The letter that is “u”

What more….I was color blind that is having  the inability to perceive differences between some of the colors that others can distinguish…..I admit it and I know it ….The deficiency in vision….to look at objects around me…. There are really different colors and when one is unable to distinguish it one suffers…one becomes victim of one’s self innocence and one’s own inability.

Had I wished for being victimized by the color blindness , No I was not….Lately I realized that, it was not color’s mistake….but was mine for being unable to distinguish between different colors…..i mean it was my mistake…Mistake of my disability….of having such an affected eye.

Eyes let us see everything….it is the doorway of heart I have heard…But what with the eyes which are color blind…. That makes me feel panic…that I am color blind, I am disable…I am not able to distinguish the color …..

I hate my eyes…that could not recognize you….I hate my eyes that could not recognize your color…I hate the colors that you were…and you are…and you will be…..I hate the color that you were made up of…the thing…that you were since the beginning and till the end….

I hate my eyes …..that were acting like Prism……that split different colors in you at a time…and thought you were like the ray that passed through the Prism….I was wrong. I admit I was wrong….the eyes were helpless…they were defected and why I suffer then…Why I am paying the price of the error made by my eyes….

The color blindness which is  most often of genetic in nature, but it may also occur because of eye, nerve, or brain damage, or exposure to certain chemicals. You became the chemical that affected the eye and made it disable. Made it disable that it could not recognize you…your true color , the color that you are….You never wanted me to know your true color…because you dared it….

I would have loved to see the true color….Who knows….your true color was the best…or I could have turn it into best….there was no any chance…for me to recognize but I was left with the faint realization that I was a color blind…..that it was that disability that make me not to view the exact true color that you were….

Its hard….for me to realize that I am a color blind…not being able to recognize true color of people. And ending up being hurt. Hurt that has no any cure…no any medicine….

I broke down when I heard a FM Radio Program which told the story of Parijat ( the flower , I don’t know the English name)  and the god Sun….Parijat who is suffering betrayal never sees the face of sun who was her lover…Wow the betrayers…..never so serious about themselves…and selfishness just above the limit .

P.S. Prevention is better than the cure….I could not prevent…but I am curing the color blindness…

Lighted me up

Like a sweet cigarette

Saw me burning till the last moment….

Love….as the sweetest cigarette…

Felt like ….a full moon….

In the darkest night…

Lately, I realized….

I was falling from the greatest height….

The cigarette….turned into ashes…

I turned into ashes…

Kept on seeing…..

Stepping on it….

Attached to me…..

Like a tumor affecting my body…

Creating Cellular turmoil….

Love as the loveliest tumor…

Like the cactus in the desert…

With hopes and thrones…

Piercing heart….every time

With a touch…

Lighted me up

Like a sweet cigarette

Saw me burning alive till the last moment….

Love….as the sweetest cigarette…

I would have written something like waiting for a Cool November rain in a desperate mood….trying to fight with self…trying to defend self…trying to win over self…trying to make self strong…and say that “There is no rain..this November as well”…

Then making self stable…making self limited….Limited in tears that have fallen…. in the absence of the rain…in the absence of the feeling…in the desperateness…in the mist of despair…and confusion…in the tranquility of pain….. and in the vacant space in life…a gap…to be lasting for years and years…

Like the solo walking in rain….which I was tired of… Like the rain itself while it swept away my tears….in eyes….but the month was not November……Like the each steps I had “climbed” alone…and like the voice in my ears…which came through the electromagnetic waves….( You know what I mean ) …..Like the steps again….which I had walked alone. Like the…colors from which I paint my eyes…and hide away that eyes are swollen….that I had in fact cried the whole night… the time I used to spend…Leave it…!!!!!!

Then again ( even while writing ) I try to make myself stable….my heart beat stable….and I throw away my mobile phone….because I want to hear this song ( Whiskey Lullaby ) NO more….it hurts me…it hurts my sentiments….why these songs are damn…painful…that again bring the memories already swept away….by time…Then I wonder why these song are ever written….( It broke me into tears ).

I promise that I wont write anything further….to hurt myself….everyday…while I take up the pen….I fill up the pages and the same thing……same thing..repeatedly….repeating it on and on…and on….Just the thing….with love, shame, guilt, reminisce,hatred etc…on and on and on…..and I again promise that I wont write further…not a single word of appreciation…not a single word….

This whole post seems like….I wrote the same thing….Don’t I have shame for myself…..Don’t I have my self respect…Again I break the promise…Again I blindly I lie myself…I blindly lie you all …who are reading this….Again Don’t I have shame….or what….I am helpless…I feel helpless in the midst of this dark memory…of reality……those things that were not just imaginative….

This time it was not the same…..Some wishes do come true….I wonder about this…Rare Rain in November….where have you gone last year….I wished and wished.. the last year….and this year the wish was heard….was it on a long Que.. ??

I was feeling cold that day…and cold always makes me romantic….and I was wondering…what will happen this day…because weather forecast are never always true….”lol” and then I heard…its rain….and then heart cheered up like never before…and I went outside….in the rain….I love it so much…and then…mobile beeps…. “Ur wait for November rain is over…..” I feel tears in my eyes…..

I put out my tongue…to taste the rain…a chill I feel in my spine……A vacant spine….A vacant soul….

Finally….the wait was over….and I feel the happiness….in the midst of despair…and agony….like I have seen the full moon…on the darkest night….

Miraculous rain……..

P.S. Once its not enough……

When mind hangs with the frustration and all…..When the journey is so much tiresome…When…nothing is visible at the moment…When ecstasy is right away….When realization hits like this…that…the moment of ecstasy….like seeing a full moon over the darkest night….Never the stars are so bright…as the Full moon….the loveliest feeling…the desires…and the moment of tranquility…..

Like a ugly duckling…who is exiled….everywhere….This piece of nursery story…ends so much optimistically that…it makes me think…it makes me realize that… something positive will be at the end…I need to survive till the end….to find out that positive ending of some “folk tragedy”.

Nusrat Fateh Ali khan….is singing…. “Yeh saam fir na aayegi ” ( This evening will never come again )

Definitely the moment that passed by will never be back…it remains as the sweetest memory… “Everyday is not Sunday”…..But still in a part of mind…somewhere beneath…something lies….something..that

Waiting is what I don’t like….but I shall…with a hope of a miracle….and miracle is what i want in life now…will be waiting for a Full Moon….like that …night….like that time….like that moment…of ecstasy..

“The moon so pale and helpless

is the mighty source of energy

that directs the tides on earth

The moon so bright and calm

is worshiped as a god

by some people”

Just liked these lines…I had found in one calendar…that is hanging just in front of me….and I am counting days…..I want days to be still …days not to move on….because I want the rain….I am really missing rain….and especially the rain during November…

Another…mystery…..Will clouds fall this November….? Will I be able to enjoy the rain…again…like the last + last year…..I hope so…

After all Hope is the only optimistic thing…Everything changed …devastated…but still hope remains…

“He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.”

(A paragraph from  WH AUDEN poem…Funeral Blues….)

Well…..

I say…Hope is still there…..I hope for miraculous rainfall…

( Post yet to be updated …..)

Void ——- You created

Mystries and all….

Lost ……………….

And to be never found…..

Like a wonderful pearl…..

Deep !! so much Deep….

Like in the ocean Blue…

The void has created hole….

For you it is easy…..

For me….I suffer it alone…

Hard….

It makes me suffocate….

It makes me cry so loud….

You turn your deaf ear….

A space to be fulfilled by you….

Because it is created by you…..

You left it as you never knew….

You say “I am frustrated too”

I don’t believe….you have a void too…

You occupy everything….

You occupy the Void too….

Mind, soul, heart, WORLD…

And the VOID too…….

Salt less food….hard to taste…sometimes life becomes as sweet as Rasbhari….and at the mean time…it turns out to be Saltless food…by the way…Rasbhari is completely saltless….we don’t taste….salt in it….

Complications….desires….and everything …

What if people stop to desire…? It’s what leads to discovery….Desire led man to moon…( I really don’t know if the word desire suits here ?)

Desire led to discovery…the saltless food….

Desire led to face the moonless’s night…..

But Stars do shine…even at the moonless night…..What if life were a video game….

It’s hard to say….but we should not regret the saltless….food sometimes…it becomes the hunger fulfillment….it fulfills the hungry stomach…and yet gives a sense of satisfaction…..Satisfaction never leads to REGRET……

Just feeling like saltless…food….it does not have any taste….but yet it has its existence and no one can ever say that it is not food.

The espresso shots….and supression of the feeling and the emotions…life is not the hell where emotions lead nor even the heaven which emotions make us feel….We must move on and thats what I believe…

The conversation never ended…because you were silent in the other end…We were connected….even through the electronic magnetic waves….or whatsoever….We were connected…with the numerous divisions of our souls through the years and years of incarnation….

What if you were also entitled to eat this saltless food as I am ? Easy…it is….I am gulping it…as never before…and I say it is being more tasty….Yes, it gets more tastier when I start devouring it like this is the most tasty food I have ever ate….

A void….there is left…a space created…so open and…so much void that it hardly will be fulfilled….There is medicine for anything…and anything can be cured…..

You see the full moon only once a month….it changes the shape…..and what about the seasons…it gets changed everytime…this is what the world is….this is how we are ought to be…and ought to live life…which is so precious ….

I have been experimenting with the emotions…with the different taste of life…sometimes the slice of life hangs head…for the whole life…..too…but at the mean time I remember that life is not so…cheap that I lose it in the hands those who were so creul….rather than I step on it….with all energy and power…to resist it…the liers especially….

What say…another story…is here….

P.S. This another try in fiction…with the least use of words and dialogues…with events very few and with….character so few and invisible….)

Again read the book….and it is hanging me like nothing else had ever had…just a hanged head…and this blog..

Feels like piercing whole body with….needles….this is the line…where I always breakdown and cry…

Sometimes situation comes in life…like the main character of the novel has faced…he abandoned so many girls…and a girl abandoned him….

The male “characters” ego, power…everything just got destroyed….but the “female”…died…but didn’t surrender….

Love…he called it love….yes it was…i felt in every lines of Parijat….For loving so truly I have sympathy over..the character…I wish not to loose true lover like him…if I will have anyone…

Where the luck favors…love does not…some people like me…do not have luck..and that is why…there is no love…everything ….but not love…

Like the full moon…in the sky….I see it and gain pleasure…I get satisfied…that..once in a month…I can see the moon in the full shape…and get satisfied….

Some people like me…Some people like the main character of the novel….do not get what they want…they do not deserve it…and they are troubling self…running away from themselves…escaping..and escaping…

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